suicide of an acquaintance who cited her weight as one of the reasons

An acquaintance of mine who had RNY about a year after I did (so she was about 3 years out) committed suicide earlier this week.  She apparently sent various people a couple of different emails over the 2-3 days prior to the suicide that talked about how depressed she was and about the various things she was struggling with.  I received one of those messages.

One of the things she was despondent about was her weight.  She started with a BMI over 50 and was upset that her ending BMI was still in the "overweight" range and that she quit losing well over a year ago with 40 pounds still to go to whatever her goal weight was.  (I don't know her actual weight numbers, but she did NOT have anywhere close to another 40 pounds of fat to lose, so whatever her goal weight was, it was way too low.)  She had apparently been primarily a lurker on some WLS website (it could have been OH for all I know) for a year or so and was depressed because it made her feel like everyone except her was getting to their goal weight and getting to single-digit clothing sizes and normal BMIs.  She felt like a failure.

She had talked to me a couple of times about being depressed because she did not even get close to her goal weight, but she insisted that her doctor and some other people (on the message board?) had told her that her goal weight was "do-able" if she "really wanted it".  We had talked a couple of times about realistic expectations and the need for goals/achievements that were not related to any kind of numbers (NSVs).  I had shared with her that I personally understood the frustration of not being as small as I had hoped to be.  I tried to encourage her to focus on the things she had accomplished and to be proud that she had not regained any weight at all -- not a single pound! -- since she stopped losing.

The message that three others and I received from her mentioned that she was also depressed because some of the things she expected to happen after she lost weight "still" had not happened (she really wanted to meet someone and get married, there was a job promotion she was trying to get, etc.) and she believed that they had not happened because she was still "40 pounds too fat"... but that she didn't know how she could possibly get those 40 pounds off (and then "make" those things happen) since she had already "failed" at her WLS.  Someone (she did not say who) apparently actually TOLD her that if she could drop even 30 of those 40 pounds she was "sure" that she could meet a nice man and get married... but that it was unlikely that she would meet someone otherwise!

A a counselor who works with a lot of depressed people (many of whom are depressed because they feel like "failures" at one thing or another), I have always felt very passionately about people picking realistic goal weights (and then if they exceed them that's fabulous... as opposed to picking something to low and then not achieving their goal). It makes me so sad (and REALLY angry) that her physician and other people in her life were feeding into the bull**** idea that you have to lose 100% of your excess weight and be stick thin to be a WLS "success"... and that those imaginary 40 excess pounds ( I would be very surprised if she had even 20 to lose still) were what was keeping her from the relationships, career, etc. that she wanted!  It also makes me sad and angry to know how much of her depression was related, either directly or indirectly, to her perception of her weight and the role it played in the rest of her life... and that she added her WLS to her list of alleged failures.  Yes, she had other factors contributing to the depression (and she refused to take any anti-depressant medication), but the weight was a BIG part of it.

Mostly it makes me angry that even on whatever support message board she was on, "the numbers" -- the pressure to be SKINNY -- were so &*^#$ important that SHE couldn't see the NSVs and the health-related successes... and apparently neither could the people who were supposed to be supporting her.

PLEASE don't let your focus be only on the number on the scale or on your clothing tags.  PLEASE don't let those numbers define your "success" as WLS patient.
PLEASE don't let thsope numbers define your worth as a person.
PLEASE don't let OH become a place where being skinny, at any cost or sacrifice, is all that matters.

Lora

Oh, I'm so sorry. 

That is such a sad story Lora.  It really drives home how easily our happiness can be derailed by something as simple as the number of a scale.  I sincerely hope that the folks on OH who constantly obsess over the numbers read this story and absorb its all too important message.

I just finished a post on this very subject. I was responding to a post yesterday from a pre-op about how much weight she could expect to lose.
I am in the overweight category.
I wear a size 14-18 depending on the clothes.
I weigh between 199-209.
I am the opposite of a failure. I am a success in every way.
Every day I read about people chasing something that's not going to happen.
I used to weigh almost 400 pounds. I couldn't walk a block. I was on 4 blood pressure meds.
I was close..really close to dying.
I wonder why people can't embrace success? Can't see the light? Can't feel the movement?
It's heartbreaking.

I'm sorry for you and very sorry for your friend. Such a loss.
Deb T.

As you know, I have struggled with the whole "but I really wanted to be a size 8!" thing and walking the tightrope on the "normal" vs. "overweight" BMI line... even though I know that I simply do not have a size 8 body type, and even though I absolutely believe that I am a RNY "success": I went from a size 28 to a size 10/12, now have a body fat percentage of 25% (in the lower half of the "optimum" range for someone my age), and am maintaining my weight at 5-7 pounds over my lowest weight at 4 years post op with a minimal amount of exercise because of my knees.

So I do understand struggling with "the numbers" and with comparisons and with some days not being able to bear reading about other people getting into size 2 jeans... but it IS such a waste... and so sad that even many of us who have spent our entire lives being obese in a thin-obsessed world have this surgery and suddenly start defining ourselves and our success (and that of OTHER people) based on the scale.

Lora

I've been trying to think of how to put my thoughts into words here.

Of course I don't  know this person that comimitted suicide so I don't know anything about what she was thinking or what others said to her or anything like that.  But I know about depression and feeling like a failure at everything.  At least, I know about my depression and feelings of failure.  Of course, my personal experiences may be different than hers.

When I am in the midst of depression, it's like looking at the world through dark glasses.  Now, I am below my goal weight, so my weight is not something I get fixated on.  However, if I hadn't reached goal, I bet that most of the time I'd feel OK about it as long as I was kinda close, but I bet that during a depressive episode I would be all hung up about how I failed at WLS along with everything else in my life.  And even if no one ever suggested to me that I was a failure or should have gotten to my goal, I bet I'd hear that message in everything someone said to me about the issue.  

Oh, here's an example.  Several months ago when I was very depressed, I mentioned to my partner  that I'd lost a couple pounds (after being ill for a few days and not able to eat).  He said "Oh that's good," thinking I would be happy about losing more weight.  Well, I am already below goal and didn't want to lose any more weight and when he said that, I said "It is?  You mean you think I need to lose more?  I'm 20 pounds lighter than  my doc thought I should be but that's not good enough?  I'm not good enough?"  And it really had nothing  to do with what he said to me, it was just an expression of the poor self esteem and internal feelings of failure that I was dealing with.  If it hadn't been my weight loss, it would have been something else.

It's funny..my magic number was 250. That was the weight I needed to be on the kidney tranplant list. I hit that  number and became a success. All the rest was gravy. I had zero expectations.
I'm so grateful to be healthy.
Deb T.

Love your post Deb. Thanks. More people have to see what they already have achieved instead of what they haven't gotten yet.  I feel, like you that I'm way better off then before surgery. I may not be a size 0, and I may not be in a single digit size clothes, but I like me, I love my life and I realize it took a lot of strength to get me to where I am today. I'm proud of me (and all the rest of us who do this every day), and I can be satisfied where I am without dealing with "numbers".

Jen 9+ yrs post op

Thanks.
I will never understand the clothes size obsession thing. I am so grateful not to have to buy ugly ole 5-6x clothes for mail order. Those were some scary ugly things!
I think it's great that you are here and spreading your recovery 9 years later. 
Thanks for that.
Deb T

My condolences. Yes depression is quite common for post ops. Too many try to compare their weight loss rate or BMI at a specific post op time to others. Each patient is different, and it's virtually impossible to compare your results with any other post op.  Not everyone reaches that "ideal wt" for any number of reasons. Body type, genetics, exercise, compliance with post op requirements, etc.  will vary the patients final results.  Success is NOT defined by a weight number alone.  There are many aspects of being successful. Extra mobility, more energy, ability go walk without hurting or running out of breath, ability to climb stairs, playing with your kids or grandkids, extra personal confidence, are but a few of the facets of wt loss surgery.  If you feel that depression is controlling your life, don't be afraid to seek medical counseling on this issue.  I've taken antidepressants for about 20 years, and life is sure much better than it used to be.  Don't let the scale rule your life. DAVE