OT - relationship problems
In the norms that our society places on being a "man", it is sometimes too easy to underestimate the frailty of the male ego. From personal experience, I can tell you that it only takes one small mental insecurity to set off the type of behavior you describe. First it manifests itself as physical withdrawal from intimacy, but soon enough it starts to eat its way into the emotional side of intimacy. The lack of intimacy fuels further lack of intimacy and eventually it feels like there is an insurmountable distance between you.
HW: 418 SW: 386 CW: 225 GW: 210 
Yep. That's exactly how it happened, too.
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
You are both committed to your relationship, so I'm sure you will be able to remove the distance with some work. If you ever want to chat about it, just send me a message and I'd be glad to talk about my personal experiences. I'm probably sharing way too much, but my issues occurred over this past year and only resolved themselves in the last few weeks. My personal inadequacy was obviously tied to my weight, and losing 80+ lbs. helped me to snap out of it. I'm just sorry that my wife spent the last year thinking that it was about her (I was very honest about what the real problem was) even though I reassured her repeatedly that it wasn't. The good news is that there is no longer any physical or emotional "distance" between us, and I'm hopeful that it will never happen again.
HW: 418 SW: 386 CW: 225 GW: 210
I didn't read the others' responses so sorry if this is a repeat.
My husband and I have been together for 17 years (married for 16). I'm telling you now...sometimes it sucks. For a while it will be unsatisfactory for you, a while it will be unsatisfactory for him and sometimes it will be unsatisfactory for both of you at the same time! I have come to learn that people who have been married for a really long time aren't really doing anything special...they just perservere.
I'm not trying to offend those people who divorce and what have you. I mean obviously some people just can't live together.
However, in situations where there is no abuse and no serious underlying problems...things will eventually come full circle. Throughout my marriage there have been times (sometimes lasting for a while) one or both of us have wanted to leave. But...we are still together and probably happier now than we've ever been. Underneath everything there was a simple desire to stay together...I think that's what got us through.
*shrugs*...that's just my two cents...for what its worth.
My husband and I have been together for 17 years (married for 16). I'm telling you now...sometimes it sucks. For a while it will be unsatisfactory for you, a while it will be unsatisfactory for him and sometimes it will be unsatisfactory for both of you at the same time! I have come to learn that people who have been married for a really long time aren't really doing anything special...they just perservere.
I'm not trying to offend those people who divorce and what have you. I mean obviously some people just can't live together.
However, in situations where there is no abuse and no serious underlying problems...things will eventually come full circle. Throughout my marriage there have been times (sometimes lasting for a while) one or both of us have wanted to leave. But...we are still together and probably happier now than we've ever been. Underneath everything there was a simple desire to stay together...I think that's what got us through.
*shrugs*...that's just my two cents...for what its worth.
Oh, this makes so much sense. Thank you.
I know that if I don't want to provide lots of details, it can be hard to understand why I would say I absolutely do not want to leave if my needs are not being met. It makes it sound like I have really bad self esteem or something. But that's not it, really.
It's not that none of my needs are being met, it's that some of them are not. The needs that aren't being met right now were met in the past. And it's entirely possible that they will be met in the future, even though at this moment that future seems really far away.
There is absolutely still a desire to stay together. We're still friends, very good friends. We share some common interests, though we have other interests as well. We aren't arguing or fighting at all. We do nice things for each other - he went out to dinner last night with his family and I didn't want to go, and he brought home dinner for me without me asking him to do so.
I don't know how to explain what's missing other than to say there used to be this emotional intimacy that's not there anymore. He doesn't talk about his feelings much and doesn't seem particularly interested when I talk about my feelings. We used to have long, deep discussions about our feelings about just about everything. He doesn't tell me he loves me as much as he used to. Mostly if I say it first, he'll say it back. Sometimes I say "Good night, I love you" and he just says "Good night" and doesn't say he loves me back. I don't really think he's stopped loving me. But I still want to hear it. I've tried to explain that to him but he still isn't saying it much.
Geez, those sound like really stupid problems to be so upset about, don't they?
But thanks. What you said helped.
I know that if I don't want to provide lots of details, it can be hard to understand why I would say I absolutely do not want to leave if my needs are not being met. It makes it sound like I have really bad self esteem or something. But that's not it, really.
It's not that none of my needs are being met, it's that some of them are not. The needs that aren't being met right now were met in the past. And it's entirely possible that they will be met in the future, even though at this moment that future seems really far away.
There is absolutely still a desire to stay together. We're still friends, very good friends. We share some common interests, though we have other interests as well. We aren't arguing or fighting at all. We do nice things for each other - he went out to dinner last night with his family and I didn't want to go, and he brought home dinner for me without me asking him to do so.
I don't know how to explain what's missing other than to say there used to be this emotional intimacy that's not there anymore. He doesn't talk about his feelings much and doesn't seem particularly interested when I talk about my feelings. We used to have long, deep discussions about our feelings about just about everything. He doesn't tell me he loves me as much as he used to. Mostly if I say it first, he'll say it back. Sometimes I say "Good night, I love you" and he just says "Good night" and doesn't say he loves me back. I don't really think he's stopped loving me. But I still want to hear it. I've tried to explain that to him but he still isn't saying it much.
Geez, those sound like really stupid problems to be so upset about, don't they?
But thanks. What you said helped.
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
I'm glad I could help. I always read your responses and appreciate your candor.
It definitely sounds like you are in one of those moments when this are just "ebbed" (as one other person said). Eventually it will start flowing again. It doesn't sound like there are any major issues...but with such a strong "connection" in the beginning, even if things slack off a little, it is going to be noticable to you. It sounds like, maybe, he has just gotten a little comfortable? I think eventually men wake up from their nap and realize they need to be more attentive. Mine did!!
It definitely sounds like you are in one of those moments when this are just "ebbed" (as one other person said). Eventually it will start flowing again. It doesn't sound like there are any major issues...but with such a strong "connection" in the beginning, even if things slack off a little, it is going to be noticable to you. It sounds like, maybe, he has just gotten a little comfortable? I think eventually men wake up from their nap and realize they need to be more attentive. Mine did!!
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