OT - relationship problems

 My relationship is a little distant right now as well.  I was married for 13 yrs.. got divorced a year later met my current boyfriend, it was a whirlwind romance and he moved in by 6 weeks! and for the first 2 years we were like newlyweds didn't want to be more than 5 feet apart, sex everyday, shared everything, did everything together.. then it eased up a bit.. and now this past year I feel really distant from him.. I know I'm the center of his universe and he loves me.. and I still love him but he has a new job and is working ungodly hours, we just are not spending the quality time together and when he comes home he's exhausted and sleeps a lot.. and honestly since the RNY and not being able to be on the pill I"m DEATHLY afraid of getting pregnant as before surgery I was very fertile and got pregnant with all three of my kids immediately upon trying.. condoms break and I just don't enjoy sex worrying about the risk.. so when you take out the quality time, take out the sex and even take out the vegging together after work because he's dead asleep.. what's left? It's like we are roommates.. we both want it to change, but how? You can't be giddy and glued together all the time.. I don't know.. I guess the excitment dies.. it's hard work to keep the rest together, we both want to fix it and we haven't been able to yet so I'm sure if your partner is less wiling to change anything it will be even harder.  I don't have the answer.. sorry, but wanted you to know you're not alone and it sucks!

agree with Hala... although I might press a compromise or definitive answer more like here's what IM gonna do if it's not met type of thing..

I think I might have some feeling what you are going through, Kelly. It's not a "gotta-confront-him" kind of thing--that wouldn't get you what you want, which is for him to want the closeness you had before. I've been there--I am there. It's part of why I'm having the surgery, because there are so many things we used to be able to do together which since I've gained weight are more difficult. And it's created distance; we're each other's best friend but not each other's partner in the same way we were before. What I have learned through my husband, though, is that men (many, not all, I know) have their little bear cave and if you try to drag them out of it or confront them in their bear cave they just dig in even more. They have to be coaxed out, teased out without them even being aware you're doing it. Do things with him that he likes without demanding that he do things with you; if he loves you, he'll begin (maybe slowly) to reciprocate. Make it enjoyable to be with you--we get in the habit of always talking about the "business" part of having a life together and not sharing the intellectual/social/personal conversations we had in the beginning. I don't know what works with your partner, what drew you together, and sometimes we've gotten past those particular activities and can't really go back in time to them.

Lots of things change with WLS. Tell your partner what you need. Seems really simple, but assume your partner wants the best for you both just the same as you. I am two years out, DH and I have issues from time to time that need to be addressed. I was also in therapy but I lost her in May (unexpectedly). Prompted me to talk to DH and tell him I need this from you, and I expect you to tell me what you need from me. Often women will long for a man to somehow know when we need to be supported or comforted. It results in frustration.  I made it a point to notice when he did something nice and I told him, right when it happened! He put his hand on the small of my back and I turned to him and said I really like it when you do that, it makes me feel special, thanks!  Right there in Denny's parking lot we had a "moment".  I found that just telling DH what I wanted helped a lot.  Women and men think so much differently, try not to assume he is okay with everything. Let him know you noticed the distance and when he is ready to drift back to shore your there for him. If he takes to long, let him know your coming after him. He might need some reassurance too. I bet you will be just fine.

Even though you were vague- I know exactly what you are talking about, because I am having the same issues with my husband. We have been trying to "work" on things for a while now, but nothing seems to be changing.

I don't know that I am ready emotionally to make any other type of decission when it comes to our relationship, so for now, I am focused on fixing the things I now contributed to the issues from my part, because if nothing else, it at least helps me grow as a person and in some ways he has started to change some things as well, so I am still hoping we can fix this- but if it gets to the point of no return, at least I know that I did all I could and such is life.

We have considered counceling as well, but I think he needs to take steps to address his own emotional issues first and then we can move from there. Unfortunately, I can't take those steops fpr him, he needs to be the one who works on his side of things. It truly takes two to make a relationship work.

Hi Kelly,
Without any details, it's hard to respond, but I'll try to help.  I've been married for 26 years.  We were together for 6 1/2 years before we got married.  During that time, we've had two kids and a million experiences.  Relationships ebb and flow like the tide.  In the beginning, you are working out all the kinks and madly in love and can't get enough of each other.  Over time, you become like two halves of a whole.  Sometimes, external forces distract one or both half and while you both still love each other and are a part of each other, external focuses like career, family, life can just take priority for a while.  It doesn't mean you are drifting apart, it just means that your or his focus might be otherwise, and you've grown so comfortable with each other that you don't always notice (like he's ok with it) when you aren't as close.  But tides ebb and flow and nothing is forever and I don't think it will stay this way forever.  Just keep the lines of communication open.  Communication is key I think to a good relationship.  Find time each week to do something together, even if it's just eating a meal or watching tv, go for hike, ...  Love each other, give each other space, be there for each other.  But don't lose hope. 

Hugs.
Jan

Dh and I had alot of that througout our 14 yr marriage....we really grew apart and learned that no matter how much we loved each other, we weren't "in love".  We didn't share the same interests.  We are friends now and that works for us.  I hate alot of the crud he put me through, but that was part of our growing pains. 

I think counseling is your best bet if that is an option...I know alot of times one partner or another isn't willing, but hopefully yours is.

I hope you two find your way back.

Dh and I have been together almost 9 years and have had lots of ups and downs. You've been through a lot lately and it's bound to have an affect! Most guys aren't good with expressing when something is bothering them. For whatever reason, they tend to keep it to themselves and if they see us going through our own stuff they don't want to add to it so they say nothing. Then you get the distance and that's not healthy either. Counseling would be a great idea and if he's on board it could really help pinpoint what's going on and you can take steps towards finding the closeness that you once had! It could be that he's just not sure what to do to fix it or make it better so he does nothing. Hopefully you can start to reconnect with eachother! It took me a long time to get dh to start opening up about stuff and being honest about making changes to make our relationship work!

Unfortunately, in these types of situations, distance begets distance.  Sometimes drastic action is called for.  Be creative in your attempts to minimize the distance.  Sometimes that distance is created by men because they don't know how to deal with some perceived inadequacy or deficiency.  Even the most open  and honest man can, at times, cover up feelings that lead to an uncomfortable distance.  Unfortunately, that distance become more and more uncomfortable to deal with and overcome as time goes on.  It can take time and understanding to get past it, or it could just take a persistent woman with a good imagination.  Typically it's the latter.

Sometimes that distance is created by men because they don't know how to deal with some perceived inadequacy or deficiency.

I think that may be an issue here.  Thanks.