OT - relationship problems
I'm trying to figure out how to ask this without posting some stuff that's really too personal to post online. And it's not all my stuff, either. some of it has more to do with my partner than with me, and I'm not going to post his private stuff online because that just seems really wrong.
So without many details, the issue is that our relationship has really changed over time. I know, all relationships do. We've been together eight years and really love each other and get along great together. But for the last year or maybe a little more, it seems like we are not as close as we used to be. It's like there is this gap between us. I know that's very vague, but that's the best way I can think of to describe it.
I hate this distance. I want the strong emotional connection back. So I tell him that and he agree there is a distance now but seems kind of wishy-washy about whether it's a problem we need to do something about. When I tell him things that miss from the way it used to be, he apologizes but he doesn't start doing those things again. When I ask him what we are going to do to get that closeness back, he says he doesn't know.
Bascially, he seems content with the distance. I am not content with it all, not at all. But it's not something I can fix by myself and he appears unwilling to take any steps toward fixing it. I'm not at all concerned that we are going to separate, we are still getting along fine and I still love him and I believe he loves me. He says he loves me. And I believe it. But I feel like I'm in the position of having to commit to staying in a relationshp that is not as satisfying as the relationship I used to have. It's not the relationship I thought I was going to have.
I don't know what I'm looking for here. Please don't tell me I should leave because I really don't see that as an option. But is there anything else I can do, besides just learn to live with it? And if there is nothing but learning to live with, how on earth do I do that without it being so painful?
So without many details, the issue is that our relationship has really changed over time. I know, all relationships do. We've been together eight years and really love each other and get along great together. But for the last year or maybe a little more, it seems like we are not as close as we used to be. It's like there is this gap between us. I know that's very vague, but that's the best way I can think of to describe it.
I hate this distance. I want the strong emotional connection back. So I tell him that and he agree there is a distance now but seems kind of wishy-washy about whether it's a problem we need to do something about. When I tell him things that miss from the way it used to be, he apologizes but he doesn't start doing those things again. When I ask him what we are going to do to get that closeness back, he says he doesn't know.
Bascially, he seems content with the distance. I am not content with it all, not at all. But it's not something I can fix by myself and he appears unwilling to take any steps toward fixing it. I'm not at all concerned that we are going to separate, we are still getting along fine and I still love him and I believe he loves me. He says he loves me. And I believe it. But I feel like I'm in the position of having to commit to staying in a relationshp that is not as satisfying as the relationship I used to have. It's not the relationship I thought I was going to have.
I don't know what I'm looking for here. Please don't tell me I should leave because I really don't see that as an option. But is there anything else I can do, besides just learn to live with it? And if there is nothing but learning to live with, how on earth do I do that without it being so painful?
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
As vague as you are - it is really difficult to address the issue.
He is happy with the situation, you are not. He understand you are not happy, yet doe not love you enough to change or do anything about that. But- why would he? He is OK with it, and he knows you are not going to leave him. So he can continue doing or not doing anything. why would he change?
Since you decided that you will stay in it no matter what - not sure what to tell you beside - "get over yourself and get used to it".
Another thing would be to suggest couple counseling, with an individual counseling for you.
Your needs are not met, he is not willing to do anything about it - and you will stay anyway? hmmm....
He is happy with the situation, you are not. He understand you are not happy, yet doe not love you enough to change or do anything about that. But- why would he? He is OK with it, and he knows you are not going to leave him. So he can continue doing or not doing anything. why would he change?
Since you decided that you will stay in it no matter what - not sure what to tell you beside - "get over yourself and get used to it".
Another thing would be to suggest couple counseling, with an individual counseling for you.
Your needs are not met, he is not willing to do anything about it - and you will stay anyway? hmmm....
Hala. RNY 5/14/2008; Happy At Goal =HAG
"I can eat or do anything I want to - as long as I am willing to deal with the consequences"
"Failure is not falling down, It is not getting up once you fell... So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again...."
You know what? I think couple's counseling is a great idea. I don't know why that hadn't occurred to me. I am in counseling myself.
I know it's hard to address the issue when I'm so vague. And I know we post all kinds of personal things on here - geez, we post about when we poop. But there are a few things that seem to personal to me to post for the whole world to read.
But thanks for the suggestion of couple's counseling, I think that would a very good idea and I think he would be willing to go.
I know it's hard to address the issue when I'm so vague. And I know we post all kinds of personal things on here - geez, we post about when we poop. But there are a few things that seem to personal to me to post for the whole world to read.
But thanks for the suggestion of couple's counseling, I think that would a very good idea and I think he would be willing to go.
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
I've been married twenty years and I personally believe all couples drift apart and back together during different times. But I think those times are dangerous - they can lead to one partner (the isolated or unhappy one) feeling unsatisfied and possibly talking to someone else or developing other problems. Not that they would go looking, but the feelings regarding someone else might be different when you are partially unsatisfied in your relationship.
My husband and I have done couples counseling twice and it was very beneficial both times. Once at seven years married, once at 16....those lessons don't always stick.
I would encourage you to find a counselor you both like or it turns out to be pointless. We went through three the second time until I had one that I felt comfortable with.
I do think, in general, men are way happier with things being 'status quo' and don't see a problem with it, where women do.
My husband and I have done couples counseling twice and it was very beneficial both times. Once at seven years married, once at 16....those lessons don't always stick.
I would encourage you to find a counselor you both like or it turns out to be pointless. We went through three the second time until I had one that I felt comfortable with. I do think, in general, men are way happier with things being 'status quo' and don't see a problem with it, where women do.
I'm definitely going to talk to him about couple's counseling.
I'm glad to see so many people saying they think most relationships ebb and flow. We've been together for eight years and this is the longest relationship I've ever been in (the relationship I had before this one lasted about five years and ended really badly - I did not just jump right into another relationship though. I was on my own for a year before I even started thinking about dating again.) Anyway, it's good to hear that things could get better and I don't just have to learn to live with this.
I'm glad to see so many people saying they think most relationships ebb and flow. We've been together for eight years and this is the longest relationship I've ever been in (the relationship I had before this one lasted about five years and ended really badly - I did not just jump right into another relationship though. I was on my own for a year before I even started thinking about dating again.) Anyway, it's good to hear that things could get better and I don't just have to learn to live with this.
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
Without a doubt, people change over the years and relationships ebb and flow. One counselor told us the secret to staying married was to never fall out of love at the same time, because then all bets were off.
One thing I have to remember is that my husband and I are different people than we were when we met. We've grown, changed, gotten through school, moved up and down in our jobs, professionally, had three children, and as a result are different people than we used to be. Another thing I learned in counseling is you really have to make an EFFORT to stay close - it does NOT come naturally. Its much easier to be secure in your permanent relationship and assume its all good, until its not. So I personally had to make a concentrated effort to pay attention to him, to ask him how his day was, to ask him to do things for me, to actually plan outings instead of just taking everything for granted.
I'm not saying those are your type of problems, just what we experienced. Its good you are addressing it now. You don't want to address it when you have become resentful or so distant you don't seem to care.
One thing I have to remember is that my husband and I are different people than we were when we met. We've grown, changed, gotten through school, moved up and down in our jobs, professionally, had three children, and as a result are different people than we used to be. Another thing I learned in counseling is you really have to make an EFFORT to stay close - it does NOT come naturally. Its much easier to be secure in your permanent relationship and assume its all good, until its not. So I personally had to make a concentrated effort to pay attention to him, to ask him how his day was, to ask him to do things for me, to actually plan outings instead of just taking everything for granted.
I'm not saying those are your type of problems, just what we experienced. Its good you are addressing it now. You don't want to address it when you have become resentful or so distant you don't seem to care.
I'm just starting to emerge from a few years of this same distance with my husband. It peaked about the time that I decided to have the surgery. Two of his brothers who found themselves without a place to live had moved in with us and that made it easier for the distance to grow since he had them for a distraction and I'm in school fulltime so it was easier for me to let him spend all night in the garage working on cars with his brothers...
I'm not sure what the turning point for me was, but I finally just decided to fight for the closeness. I just started planning things for the two of us to do. Nothing big, but things for just the two of us (and most times, our two year old). I also started asking him to help me with things that I would normally do myself - things like emptying the dishwasher with me or chopping veggies together. I found these little things helped the most. I also make sure to give him his space so he doesn't feel like he can't do his own thing.
I know I don't have anything profound to offer, but I'm wishing you lots of luck and sending prayers. There is always couples counseling if nothing else seems to work...
I'm not sure what the turning point for me was, but I finally just decided to fight for the closeness. I just started planning things for the two of us to do. Nothing big, but things for just the two of us (and most times, our two year old). I also started asking him to help me with things that I would normally do myself - things like emptying the dishwasher with me or chopping veggies together. I found these little things helped the most. I also make sure to give him his space so he doesn't feel like he can't do his own thing.
I know I don't have anything profound to offer, but I'm wishing you lots of luck and sending prayers. There is always couples counseling if nothing else seems to work...
I think focusing on those little things is a good idea. And that's something I can do and feel good about.
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
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