Talking to a brick wall!

I've talked about my mom on numerous occassions about the never-ending weight conversation that we go thru e v e r y   s i n g l e   w e e k.

Mom:  How much have you lost now?
Me:  59 lbs.
Mom:  How are you doing it??

Uhhhhhhhhh....she went with me to the freaking hospital but we still go thru this every single week.  So, now we have added a new saga.  She has signed US up for a weight loss program.  No, I'm not kidding.  She calls me at work and leaves a message that she will be over to pick me up @ 6pm tonight for it and not to forget to bring $15 for the book.  WTF????  I called her to tell her that I wasn't going because I'm not able to go by their diet AND that I don't need the book.  Now her feelings are hurt because I don't want to go with her to the class.  I have 3 kids and work all day, house work when I get home, and the only way to fix HER NEEDS is for me to blow all that off and go sit with HER at a 2 hour class that I can't use!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sounds like my mom.

I swear, I really think my mom has a personality disorder.  Either borderline personality disorder or narcisistic personality disorder.  Of course, she will never see a therapist to get an official diagnosis.

Several years ago I was hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital for PTSD.  When I got back home, I was speaking to my mom on the phone and she asked why I had been in the hospital.  I said, for PTSD.  My mom said, "Why?  Did something happen?"

I was like, "Um, yeah... I was abused as a child."

She knows all about the abuse by my father.  I just couldn't believe she was asking that.

So she said, "Oh, well, I know that....I just wondered is something else happened."

Some conversations are just not worth having, you know?  You could tell your mom you don't want to talk about how you're losing weight anymore if you want to.  That doesn't mean she won't bring it up, but you can tell her every time she does that you don't want to talk about.

And I know you weren't trying to hurt her feelings when you said you weren't going to the weight loss program and it's not your fault if her feelings were hurt.  You are not responsible for her feelings.  She is.  And how ridiculous is it for her to sign you up for a weight loss program, especially without even asking you first.

I know right?  Alot of my mom's problems are my dad.  I love him dearly but he is her crutch.  If I tell her that I'm not going tonight, she will call him and tattle...not kidding.  So the next phone call I get will be from my dad and he will be asking why I can't just go the extra mile to keep her happy.  He is an enabler!!!  Instead of telling her to act like the 58 year old woman that she is, he does everything to keep her happy...go along to get along.  Drives me up the freaking wall.

OK, I think I'd tell him he can go with her to the weight loss program, then.

Yea that would be great IF he worked here.  He is always on the road.  Getting the picture??  He wants me to keep her happy HERE so he doesn't have to hear her complaining while he is THERE!  LOL  Story of my life!

Could be she is a little jealous of your weightloss.Maybe you could suggest to her that she go on your program since you've been successful.She probably needs support and forgets what it's like to jugle 3 kids,a house,a husband and a job.

My mom (may she rest in peace) was an EXTREMELY needy person emotionally. Once dad died, it got about 10,000 times worse. She wanted to go everywhere with me, do everything with me--even when I was getting together with my peers that are my age, my 28 year older mother would want to join us and would be really hurt if I said no. I was often left feeling terribly guilty for hurting her. When dad was alive, he would push me harder to comply with her requests. Much like your dad--go along to get along. If he didn't have to get the grief, then all was well with the world, even if I had to compromise my needs and wants. I finally got to the point that I let go of the guilt she'd try to lay on me everytime "I" disappointed "her". I realized that I could bend myself over backward, forward, and into a pretzel and she'd just want to take more and more from me. There was never going to be an end until I put an end to it. I made sure I gave her adequate time and attention and that is where I drew the line. Funny, once I set limits, she stopped pushing. It was like a miracle. I think in life, folks will push until you push back. Perhaps a conversation about knowing she wants to spend time with you, but that your extra time is very limited and those interactions with her need to be something you BOTH want to do. There is nothing disrespectful or out of line about setting limits that help keep you sane.

Good luck. It is such a complicated dynamic. I know it all to well. Hang in there.

Denise

It's to the point that sometimes I lie about what I'm doing or where I am going or who I am going with.  My best friend and I generally get together on Saturday mornings for coffee (CLICK now LOL) and just kind of unwind from the week...girl talk.  Well now I have to act like I'm at home when she calls my cell and I'm there or if I don't answer and call her back I just act like I was in the back of the house and didn't hear her calling.  She will accuse me of having time to spend with my friend but not her.  I just need time without her.  I even feel like I'm on eggshells around her.  I know the subjects to not bring up or stuff that I don't want to talk to her about because I know the outcome of the conversation.  It's exhausting!!!  I've tried setting limits but then she pouts and acts mad.  I love her but enough is enough.

Pouting and acting mad never killed anyone! LOL! She'll eventually tire of pouting and acting mad. Have you tried setting a time each week to get together with her? Once I set a dinner date each week my mom felt like I was making a special time for her and that seemed to appease her some.
She was also very, very jealous of my friends. Weird.  Also helped if I made her feel needed. Maybe ask her to come to your house and start dinner for you or to run to the store to get something for you. Not sure if she is the type to give or if she is just a taker, but my mom LOVED feeling needed. I usually took good advantage of that when I was sick! :)

Good luck!! 

That's a good idea.  I may see if she wants to cook dinner a few nights for me!  LOL  Bet that would make her avoid me for a while.