RANT: She will NOT steal my progress!

(WARNING: this is LONG. It's purpose is mostly for me to get this crap out of my head and into the universe where there is room to diffuse its toxicity. For those kind hearted enough to read to the end, it actually has a slightly comical/snarky ending.) 

 

I have come to a conclusion in my life. It’s not one I’m happy about but one that I think will help me to move forward in a more mentally healthy way. Here it is.

 

Although she doesn’t realize it, and probably would cringe at the thought, my mother has some sort of problem with me having a healthy self esteem.

I have lots of evidence of this. I won’t bore you with the nitty gritty details, but an event that transpired over the weekend cemented this.

 

Just a recap for those unfamiliar with my situation with my mom: we have a strained relationship. She was a drug addict/alcoholic when I was a child and a favorite pastime was beating me senseless. I moved out at 17 and never came back into her house. Although she’s been clean and sober for nearly 20 years and has, at points, tried to make amends to me, I still don’t particularly trust her emotionally. Lately, though, she’s needed my help because she is diabetic and refuses to change how she eats or follow any of her doctor’s orders. As a result she’s on dozens of meds and is having what I might call a mid-life crisis.

 

Ok, so now that we’re all caught up. My mom likes to buy people things. It’s her way of saying I love you. I don’t like that. I’d much rather someone ACT like they love you than buy you something but we’re approaching the point where I’m fairly convinced she is never going to change so whatever. She bought me and the girls netbooks and asked us to come pick them up, so we did.

So we’re at the house and my stepdad is there. We’re having a lovely conversation and then, seemingly out of nowhere my mom chuckles and goes, “Nikki, you’re getting fat again. You’ve gained weight."

 

Now, this should be a sign of our relationship that I wasn’t particularly shocked by this statement. Not that it matters in the grand scheme of things, but I have not gained any significant weight in the past year. Granted I had a bounce. That was about 14 months ago. Since then I’ve been stable. So I replied calmly that I actually haven’t gained weight but thank you for caring and moved on.

 

But something nagged at me all that evening at home. It wasn’t the weight gain thing. I really have been working super hard to accept and love me for who I am. I’m never going to be Twiggy and I’m ok with that now.

 

No, what upset me was this. This woman has known me my entire life (maybe not known me but she knows me well enough to know the basics of my personality). So, in theory, through experience, she should KNOW that I don’t respond well to that sort of thing. She used to do it all the time when I was big. It was meant to shame me into wanting to lose weight. I know the game well. Interestingly enough when I was in my “magic window" she lamented (loudly and publicly) how worried she was that I was losing in an “unhealthy way."

 

So I decided to speak out on it. Part of me knew this was futile but what the heck. It’s a good practice in standing up for myself. So I approached her and said look mom, I appreciate that you’re concerned about me, but knowing me, how private a person I am and considering our history, I suspected you were trying to hurt my feelings with that comment. But I want to give you the benefit of the doubt so I’m going to tell you that I don’t like that and I found it disrespectful.

 

She seemed taken aback (this was the next day that I brought it up). So then she goes into this diatribe about how worried she’s been about me. This is her evidence.

 

A few weeks back we went out for sushi. We each had miso soup and shared one sushi roll. She usually (despite her diabetes) has a good sized dessert called tempura fried ice cream afterwards. This day I wanted a little something sweet and asked if I could split the dessert with her because I didn’t want a whole one to myself. She said yes. We split the dessert. Halved, it was actually a sensible dessert, even for her.

 

To her, this is unhealthy behavior indicative of me “going back to my old ways."

 

Thankfully, I’m endowed with the ability to see complete ridiculousness when I hear it so I sort of take that with a grain of salt. Ok, she’s not been used to seeing me eat more than a bit in front of her (and I historically didn’t because of the histrionics she tends to have) so maybe it was a shock that I opened up enough to share a dessert with her. Trust that it won’t happen again. To me, sharing a meal is an intimate thing and at this point not an experience I care to share with her for the foreseeable future.

 

Moving on. So then she starts digging in on me about my children. How they are overweight and she’s so worried she stays up all night about it (I know this not to be true but whatever, let’s go with this train of thought).

 

I won’t bore you with her admonishments about the divas (they were not there when we were talking). I will say this though. I was raised as many of us were. With the paradigm that in order to reach self love we must go through the gateway of self discontent or even self hatred. We must hate our fat selves so we can become skinny selves worthy of loving. I REFUSE to pass that curse on to my children. Instead, I try to reinforce that we take care of our bodies BECAUSE we love ourselves, BECAUSE we want to feel good, BECAUSE we want to live long happy lives where we get to love one another.

 

This would all be over my mom’s head so I did what I usually do 99.5% of the time I’m in her presence. I was dead silent. She wonders why I don’t talk to her much. Because it’s not my opinion, thoughts, personality, progress, challenges, strengths or struggles that matter. It’s HER feelings, HER emotions, HER reactions and beliefs that matter. In short, it’ s no longer worth my time to get through to her.

 

So, for those of you who’ve hung this long here’s a little gem for you. The punchline of this WHOLE thing.

 

We get in the car to do some errands for the day and she turns to me (keep in mind the severe diabetes and the fact that in her book my SHARING a dessert is “unhealthy behavior") and says to me, “Can we stop at Wendy’s? I want to get a large frosty."

 

Ba-dum-bump.

 

This is why I tell you guys to tell yourself healthy things about your process. The world will always try to eff you up. If you stand strong, nobody can knock you down.

That is all.

i was JUST typing u an email askign how was the weekend with mom LOL 

Girl...(BIG SIGH)

The thing that bugs me is here are the two most emotionally unhealthy people I know lecturing ME on what it takes to be healthy. It just galls me.

Part of me wanted to resent my process. I wanted to be stick thin and say "ha! look! you were wrong about me! I could do this MY WAY!!!"

That didn't happen and frankly I'm glad. Last time I checked I'm not God (however GodDESS like I may think I am) and I don't run this show. I am who I am and what I am for a reason. Just because I don't know the reason doesn't mean there isn't one.

But yeah...that was my Friday/Saturday. I rebounded on Sunday taking my babies to camp. Beautiful place up near Frederick. I was kinda jealous about that camp. I wanna go!

my parents are the EXACT same way.  They tell any and everybody who knows me that Im TOO small and even boney/skinny and need to hit the gym.  My bf went over there last night WITHOUT me and dad proceeds to tell him ALL my teenage years rebelliousness and etc.. and how I seem to have an attitude now that Im smaller...



Sigh..
BF called me after he left and I was soo pissed I was crying..

The more I think about it, the more I think big people get big for several reasons:

1. Genetics has something to do with it. We can't deny that.
2. The story we are taught about ourselves ("you would be SO pretty if you lost a few pounds...")
3. Contradictory bull**** from our families

I beat myself up a lot about my relationship with my mom. You know as well as I do you don't just go off cutting off your family. They're yours no matter waht. But I don't associate with them that much because I choose living as ME over dying as an unhealthy person with them.

Hmph.

yea.. as you know my relationship with my mom is all but "we tolerate each other" at best

You are so right about these points! 

My mom, also had major drug/alcohol issues when I was young.  AND, what was probably an eating disorder.  She would simply stop eating if the scale read more than 106.  She passed away more than 20 years ago and I still remember her trigger number.  I recall weighing 150 in high school and thinking that I was the biggest thing on the planet, thanks Mom.

Hope that someday your Mom has a miracle light-bulb moment..... until then, keep on keeping on!

Laura

Having "known" you for a couple of years, I am aware of the fact that you are not looking for affirmations and "atta' boys" from any of us out here.

But I just have to say - Good for you! It is a struggle to work out some kind of relationship with our parents as adults and many times we have to take a break if we don't want to get run over by dear old Mom or Dad. Way to go=)

And good for us, too! By sharing what you did you help all of us in our struggle for self-acceptance, and yes, self-love.

Most importantly though - you are an incredible role model for your daughters. And they will never forget the lessons you are teachng them.

Have an incredible morning, Nik!


edited to correct spelling

WOW. I am speechless.

I don't know if I should cry for you for the things you've had to go through... or smile and clap for all the good things you have accomplished!

You truly seem like a strong woman to have to endure that.. and be able to handle it without slapping her (no pun intended). I give you huge kudos for that!

I read your entire rant...and the end was priceless AHAHAHA. That's just typical!

Just to share a quick story about a woman at my support group with a similar story:
      "I am at my 6 month mark...and my partner and my family is sabottaging me! I come home to see freshly made brownies covered with frosting on the table...and I said to myself...REALLY? THE FU**ING DIABETIC IS MAKING BROWNIES?!" ---Needless to say, you may have had to been there to get the true humor in that, but I immediately thought of that when I read your post.

GOD BLESS 

Oh I mentally slap my mom upside the head all the time. I'm probably going to hell for that.

No tears for what I've been through though. It's what makes me me. Both my mom and dad, I guess in their advancing age, like to lament over how I was raised and how neither can truly lay claim to the "phenomenal woman I have become." (always this same statement)

In reality they created the person that I am. Maybe not in the way they intended to but they did. My mom's beatings made me vehemently against corporal punishment and for interacting with my kids and being such a part of their lives that I don't need to resort to hitting them.

My dad's indifference made me want to fight for their relationship with the divas dad, even when their dad didn't want to fight for it himself.

And both their struggles with not knowing how to deal with my weight made me want to invest in learning about myself and why I react and think the way I do.

I think accepting that they are truly who made me who I am is a tough pill to swallow for both my parents. I think in that acceptance they'll have to begrudgingly accept that I have valid reasons why I've limited my contact with them and why I don't allow them to be but so close to my kids.