Terrified of Food

 Up until about two weeks ago I never wanted to eat. I could only handle a handful of different funs and none of them included meat. I was lucky maybe if I could in 2 oz at a time. I couldn't find a protein shake I like and therefore, didn't get enough protein in.

Now it is different though. I can eat almost anything and I am loving food again. For the first four months after surgery food was a chore. It was fuel to keep me going so I wouldn't end up back in the hospital.

Now I am cooking amazing recipes and eating wonderful salads and I found a protein shake I love. I can eat a lot more at a time and any meat goes down pretty smoothly. I should be happy about this and to a certain extenct I am absolutely thrilled but it all terrifies the hell out of me. 

I am so worried I am going to go back to my old ways. I can feel an inkling in my head telling me "oh you can eat that evey once in a while. It's not that bad." But it IS and I don't want to be how I was pre-surgery. I am SO glad I am not having such a hard time anymore but I don't know how to deal with all these new feelings. I am also feeling hungry more and more and up until a couple of weeks ago I didn't feel hunger at all.


I would love some suggestions and some advice and to maybe hear how you dealt with anything similar. 

I try to keep stuff I shouldn't eat out of the house.  There are some things I can eat in moderation and others I have a hard time stopping once I start.  Those are the things I don't buy.  So no Cheezits in my cupboard.  Impossible to eat just a handful at a time.  Absolutely impossible.

I measure out my portions almost all the time.  I have kind of a rule that when I'm done, I'm done.  If I think I want to eat more, I wait a while (maybe 30-60 minutes) and if I still feel hungry then I eat a little snack.  Most of the time, the hungry feeling is gone by then.

Occasionally I have days where I just want to graze all day.  Most of the time small frequent meals works fine for me.  But some days it feels like all I want to do all day is munch.  What I do then is munch on really low cal low fat stuff - sugar free popsicles, baby carrots, etc.

This is the one of the many great contradictions of this process, among them being:

You should eat less but you need to eat more (I'm rather fond of that one myself. It's so ridiculously communicated)

You need to lose weight but you need to learn to accept yourself (if I accept myself why do I need to lose weight?)

and of course the one applicable to your situation

I am happy that I can eat again but I don't want to be able to eat again.

Because that's where you are. Even if someone showed you a crystal ball to phenomenal success, you'd still worry about this as we all do.

I find accountability helps. I don't tell myself I CAN'T have anything. But I DO have to be accountable to my eating choices. They need to be recorded and I need to be able to see them in black and white. Further, I utilize a food journaling site that has a social networking component, so all my friends can plainly see what I eat too. And I post on the daily thread here.

All this helps keep me in check because I KNOW how I'll feel to have to admit I've totally effed up. It doesn't feel great. These days I can recognize BEFORE a negative consequence that the negative consequence will be painful and, further, that I don't want pain and therefore should not do the thing that causes me pain (this is big for me).

I would encourage you to figure out what "that thing" is for you that will help you stay in the driver's seat of your process. It's not the same for everyone. But there will always be temptations, always be a million good excuses NOT to do what you are supposed to do. You have to find that "one thing" that makes it worth it to you to do the right thing.

 I can understand how you feel. I am 4 weeks presurgery and the entire process is scaring the hell out of me. I can't even fathom losing weight at this point. I just want to make it out of surgery and begin a healthier lifestyle with no complications. I was wondering if you could pass on to me the protein shake that you like and were you only able to drink that recently or when can you have it post op? I am still not sure when I can have what yet. Thanks for the advise. Bonnie

I'd say ditto to Kelly and Nik.

I might add that I've been under the false assumption that at some point I would become "normal" (if such a things exists), and that meant I would be peaceful about food and eat what I want when  I want it - and that this little pouch would keep me from overindulging.

It is very possible to overindulge.  Tonight my husband just brought home roasted soy beans - some salty, some honey roasted.  I happen to really like nuts - but nuts are really high in calories and fat.  I still get delicious crunch factor with soy beans - way less calories and fat and better protein too.  But the point is - I could munch on them all day just because they are so delicious.  That is just not sustainable!

I'm learning this is a day by day process.  So far I  don't write down what I eat (I did for awhile and it added to my mania).  But I do mentally review my food choices at the end of each day.  I do pack food to tke to work, and use little wee containers for high calorie things, and bigger for low cal high protein (like tuna for example, or chicken, or greek yogurt).  So far bread doesn't interest me much - and I don't miss rice or pasta. 

Also, exercise and activity is extremely important.  I'm having a good summer on my bicycle - but depression got the best of me over the winter.  I didn't gain because I was still in my weight loss window - but this winter will be different. 

I did spend a few months being terrified of food - but now I'm in better relationship to food.  It is delicious - and I mostly enjoy everything.  I find the more I exercise, the more I allow myself to enjoy what I eat!!!

If there is anything else I can offer, it would be (unless miracles come for you) that that "normal" person is a fantasy.  Most people struggle a bit with food - most of us dance with the mystery of hunger, appetite, emotions, impulsiveness, self-esteem, body image etc....  and we dance daily.  I think I sat out all the dancing for years and years. 

Good luck!  Enjoy your posts.

I'm 20 mos out.  120 lbs weight loss - maintaining so far - day by day.   8)

Exercise like mad and take up running then you get to eat!

Seriously though if you workout and build some lean Muscle mass then you will have a higher RMR which means a higher minimum caloric requirement.

 Kelly & Nik said it better than my heat-warped mind can say it today....
I know the "fear of food" thing and am starting the accountability part; also agree with exercise being a major component of change - lessens the guilt when you allow yourself to indulge (in moderation, of course). That's the one thing that I KNOW I have changed for the long-term-me.

so happy for ur post...im at the "i hate food" because everytime i try to eat it either makes me sick or very uncomfortable...im 5 weeks out and clinging to fluids because they go down well...scared to keep trying food n scared im not getting enough calories n nutrition...glad it will get better
 

i understand what you are saying! i am almost 4 months out and can now eat more than at first so i too have been scared at times that i would fall into my old bad habits. on the other hand, we really do need to eat to live! so yeah.seems tricky to keep a good balance sometimes!

I would encourage you to be strict (but not completely unyielding!) with yourself about what you eat for the first year so that you can really establish new, helathy eating habits and get the old, bad habits in check as much as possible.  Use the first year to exercise your control over what you eat and establish that YOU control the FOOD, not the other way around. 

Once you have those new habits in place, it will (probably) be easier for you to then be able to have some of your favorite less-than-healthy-choice foods occasionally without the fear of losing control over what you are eating.  I say "probably" because I know that there are some people here who just cannot "do" moderation... they have to completely ban the foods that cause them trouble.  I personally cannot do that... making a food "forbidden" makes me want it SO much more than if I could just have a very small amount of it.  I do what Kelly does... I know what my problem foods are (cookies(!!), potato chips, and puffed Cheetos are the big three) and do not bring them into the house.  (I keep Girl Scout cookies in my mom's freezer so I can have one or two when I am there, LOL... or she will bake three refrigerated chocolate chip cookies if I am over there watching a movie ballgame or something (she has two and I have one)).   By exercising the control until I got close to goal, I am now able to eat just a small amount of real ice cream as a treat instead of eating half a pint at a time.

(I am SO glad that you are eating well now...  it was such a difficult road for you!)

Lora