Soap box rant o' the day: you don't owe your surgeon a damn thing...

I been full of soap box speeches this week, haven’t I?

 

Well I had a lot of time to think while I was away and now I got shizz to say.

 

So, I can’t count how many messages I get from people that go something like this:

 

“I’ve been struggling so hard with ________. And now I’m really devastated because I don’t want to go and see my surgeon and show him I’ve failed. What can I do?"

 

Stop. Stop right there. If you’ve ever thought that, even for a passing moment, I want to tell you something important.

 

Your surgeon works for YOU. Not the other way around. But for you and people like you and your success, he would have no livelihood. So stop treating him/her like the principal. You are the boss of your process. The ONLY person you work for is you.

 

So what does that mean?

 

If you are struggling, you owe it to YOURSELF to reach out to the people you PAID GENEROUSLY to help you. A CEO in a business is going to turn to his advisors for help when he needs it (except for that Enron guy…and Bernie Madoff…). Do the same. Don’t look at it as “admitting guilt" but soliciting advice and drawing upon the resources that are YOURS for the taking.

 

And yes, surgeons can be harsh in their words. After all, they have a vested interest in your success. But that’s the thing: they have a vested interest in your success. Make them work for your success as hard as you are working. Make them respond to your request. Be relentless. Demand that you be treated like you are important. You are. They cannot maintain a Bariatric Center of Excellence rating if all their patients are nose-diving. It’s important to them that you do well, which is why they bug the holy hell out of you. If that’s not what is effective to help you, tell them!

 

(This is where I should put the disclaimer: many times we don’t like the harshness of our surgeons and NUTS but need it. So in some cases them being harsh is doing exactly what I said above – working hard for the money you pay them.)

 

So in summary I’d like to say: you’re not children. You’re grown ass adults. You don’t need to feel ashamed to admit you are struggling and especially not to your surgical staff. I’m sure when it all boils down, they’d rather you seek help while you are in the process of struggling than after you’ve regained significant weight.

 

And if you’ve already regained significant weight they’d rather you come in so they can help you get back to being a success story. Trust me, they love success stories. They especially love “come back" stories. Remember when you were pre-op and wanted to be assured that you could be successful long term? What better way for your surgeon to alleviate your fears than to tell you the story of Mary Jane who struggled but overcame her lifelong battle with food. They want you to be that story. You want to be successful. Use each other for the mutual benefits.

I’m just sayin.

 

But under no cir****tances do I want you to feel like you OWE your surgeon’s office anything. They provided a service to you and what you do with that service is ultimately your decision. You do, however, owe it to yourself to keep trying until you make peace with yourself and achieve what you set out to achieve.

personally I have never felt this way, I just love reading your rants/soap box advice. 


Sarah

I'm glad! I see this a lot. Folks afraid to go see their surgeon because they think they've failed. And I always say the same thing "if you failed anybody, it's YOU, not your surgeon."

Thanks for tolerating my rants :)

Right on, Nik... right friggin' on!  This is the BEST thing I've read in a long time... thanks so much.


tori

I like reading your rants too.  And I think in some ways we've gotten used to people treating us like not-so-bright disobedient children because of the stereotype that fat people are out of control and just a step away from being not only lazy and slovenly but idiots as well.  I don't want to be fat, granted, but I also recognize that just like race, gender, disability, and other variables, being fat can cause people to see only that aspect of us and not treat us as responsible, powerful, grown-up human beings. 

Thats exactly how Im feeling. I did suck it up and go in a couple months ago. I felt awful. I met with Nancy (Love her!) she made me feel better. She looked over my logs and we agreed to up calories.

Im still doing what she told me...working out more and upped my calories. Since then Ive lost about 5 lbs. My one year is in Aug. I feel like a failure. While Im happy that I finally got HERE, I still have a long way to go. At this point, Im just lost. What could I possibly be doing wrong?

Does a stall last 3-4 months?? starting at month 7-8??

This is where again, Dr A and Nancy disagree on the rate of loss for a revision.

I dont know, but this is not making me happy. I cant stand the feeling of guilt (yes, that I feel and that I bring onto myself) of going into the dr office. Guess I just need to get over it.

Nancy is pretty awesome. She is helping me to figure out where my calories are. It's so cute too because I have my GoWear stats to back up my talk. I don't think she's accustomed to getting that much data from people! :)

I can tell you from my experience, that I stopped losing at 12 months. Stopped. As in my weight was never lower than it was at month 12. I now weigh about 25 lbs. MORE than I weighed at month 12 and that's where my body has stayed the last 18 months. It's sort of maddening. I wonder to myself if this is where I plateau'd or if it is just a slow crawl to regain. I am active, though, and keep telling myself that so long as I remain active I will not regain.

So far as "gettng over it"...yeah. What you feel is normal, don't get me wrong. But just know that your primary responsibility is to yourself. For us, it's hard to get over that hump. If it was our children, we'd humiliate ourselves in a nano-second to ensure their well-being. For ourselves, not so much.

Hugs and I think you are gorgeous and beautiful and wonderful. :)

Thanks Nikki. You've seen me in person. You know what I look like. This is not where I want to stay. I guess my tool got me this far and the rest is up to me. Where I am now, is the smallest Ive ever been able to get to. Sometimes I think, my body is just taking a break before going some place new.

I put the scale way. Maybe I'll weigh once a week, or maybe I'll just take a couple weeks off.

Ive looked into getting a Go Wear or something similar. I'd love to have one. Unfortunately, I'd only be able to wear it nights and weekends. I cant have something like that at work in my envrionment.

Now looking back at what Ive written...I did say 'what I look like'. Didnt mention how I feel and that Im healthier...

Nik great post.

In the end it's YOU that keeps your weight off, not any WLS. Sorry it just isn't going to happen. The equation is simple: calories in and calories out and move to lose the weight. Period the end. Anyone else sells you another recipe I've got swamp land to sell you.

The thing is to find peace with yourself. Love yourself no matter what. Practice Mindful Eating which is being aware of what you put in your mouth. There are no magic beans is staying thin people.

I post almost daily on the OFF forum on Mindful Eating. Yes, I have an Eating Coach and she is great. Learning new ways to deal with food. I will always be an emotional eater, that is not going to change ever. But I'm learning new ways to deal with food.

So what if you never make that magic number on the scale. Are you happy with your size? If not do something about. Start moving. We are hardest on ourselves.

I'm dealing with regain and getting the weight off slowly. No magic, just portion control sizes and moving. That will never ever change for me. It's a lifetime to commitment to me. Debbiejean

Couldn't agree more.  We CAN do hard things.  Part of the "attitude" change is being responsible for our thoughts and behavior.  It isn't always "sunshine and roses."

We are human and we can move on.