OT...but please please help me I need advice, im crumbling
I dont know where to go with this question, I need some advice and many of you may have been through this....I am in my mid 20s ive been with the same guy for 7 years....when I met him he was coming out of a marriage and we immediatley got together and I was coming out of a kind of serious relationship. We jumped in and moved in together like 5 months later. Weve had many rocky times he has never hurt me or anything like that but has done wrong, making promises he cant keep like quit smoking lose weight etc etc. I supported him through most of out relationship and if we do break up I am sick over how he is going to afford to live. He has a child too. The thing is he never got divorced and I thought i was okay with it taking this long we have just recently started the actual legal process but I feel so resentful I am even involved reminding him to make appts and call the lawyer and most of my tax money is paying the lawyer. I have lost a lot of weight and getting alot of attention from guys, and honestly it sounds shallow but there so many things I want to do now and I cant help but wonder if there is someone out there more compatible with me. Im not wanting to jump in a new relationship or anything I just want to get my own apartment and live my life. I went off on him yesterday and told him I couldnt deal anymore I love him but have fallen out of love in the sense of a romantic relationship, we havent had sex on months and I dont want too either. He is devastated and promises he will get the divorce on his own, treat me better, get another job etc etc. I totally believe him I know I mean the world to him and it is absolutely killing me he is feeling this way. I cant eat I feel like I cant breathe and I am so torn in my heart I know i need to go out on my own and just see what happens but I want to just run home and hold him because he is so crushed, on top of that I am so worried about what he will do financially, I make alot more than him and the lease to out place ends in september I left last ngiht and went to my moms and said I would pay half the rent until sep1, then he has to find some place but I will stay out until then and get my own place. I am truly not being like oh im skinny now I cant get anybody I truly feel incompatible with him and I know he is willing to change to get me back but its like too little to late , I told him I feel like his mom having to take care of his every need, make sure his bills have been paid on time, do his laundry, make sure he has clothes for special occasions. I am so crushed and I would never hurt myself but I am struggling so bad I feel hopeless, I dont know if i can handle crushing his world like this....I am frantic right now and I hope this all makes sense....please help me
Well, if you gave him the ultimatum and you have been with him this long, at least give him the benefit of the doubt that he will do something, give him another chance to do what he promised. If, it does not pan out, then you can move forward and do something else, but at least you can look back and say to yourself,, "I gave so many chances to him and he didn't do anything." Then you can break it off without the guilty feeling of meeting someone else and doing something else. Just my 2 cents, but I wish you the best.
~Paul~
First of all... be kind to yourself. We all go through relationship drama... at least I have.
I think that you have already done the work. You are out, and in September, you will be free. You are not responsible for his choices. I know it will be difficult, but stay on the course you have already started on!
A word of advice... when September comes, change your phone number. I found it paramount to cut off contact from people who were not helping me become my best self. I know it sounds harsh, but you have to take care of you first and foremost. No matter what.
No more money spent, no contact... and move all your stuff out as soon as you can. The clearer you are with your actions, the smoother the transition will be for you.
Take Care and I wish you all the best...
I think that you have already done the work. You are out, and in September, you will be free. You are not responsible for his choices. I know it will be difficult, but stay on the course you have already started on!
A word of advice... when September comes, change your phone number. I found it paramount to cut off contact from people who were not helping me become my best self. I know it sounds harsh, but you have to take care of you first and foremost. No matter what.
No more money spent, no contact... and move all your stuff out as soon as you can. The clearer you are with your actions, the smoother the transition will be for you.
Take Care and I wish you all the best...
Wow. You most certainly have a lot going on in life right now. I'm just going to say it how I see it.
#1, he was never yours to begin with. He is MARRIED. I don't care if he was leaving, in the middle of a divorce, separated or still living with her. He is MARRIED. Plain and very simple.
#2, any man who made me the center of his universe is not a man I'd want to be with. I need a man who is able to take care of himself and me. It doesn't sound like he's that man. Perhaps you don't need that from a relationship, but it's something worth considering.
#3, You have so much going on right now (healing and whatnot) that you sound like you need to clear your head and just concentrate on yourself. Why shouldn't you? Don't you deserve that? I definitely think you do...... and I don't need to KNOW you to tell you that.
Some questions to ask yourself.... why were you so willing to take on a relationship where the man wasn't really available? Why did you de-value yourself so much? Why was it ok then but not ok now? What has changed? Your self esteem? Perhaps, and it's not that bad to identify it as such. Why was it ok to take on a man who needed to make promises and then not keep them? Why not find a man who is already working on himself or what you're looking for in the first place? They're not projects... they're people LOL What makes you think the promises he's making now (sounds like some of the same ones he's been making for months) will be fulfilled at this point?
Just something to think about. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers though. I know you're having a tough time but a lot of the time the RIGHT decisions are HARD ones to make.
Ginger
#1, he was never yours to begin with. He is MARRIED. I don't care if he was leaving, in the middle of a divorce, separated or still living with her. He is MARRIED. Plain and very simple.
#2, any man who made me the center of his universe is not a man I'd want to be with. I need a man who is able to take care of himself and me. It doesn't sound like he's that man. Perhaps you don't need that from a relationship, but it's something worth considering.
#3, You have so much going on right now (healing and whatnot) that you sound like you need to clear your head and just concentrate on yourself. Why shouldn't you? Don't you deserve that? I definitely think you do...... and I don't need to KNOW you to tell you that.
Some questions to ask yourself.... why were you so willing to take on a relationship where the man wasn't really available? Why did you de-value yourself so much? Why was it ok then but not ok now? What has changed? Your self esteem? Perhaps, and it's not that bad to identify it as such. Why was it ok to take on a man who needed to make promises and then not keep them? Why not find a man who is already working on himself or what you're looking for in the first place? They're not projects... they're people LOL What makes you think the promises he's making now (sounds like some of the same ones he's been making for months) will be fulfilled at this point?
Just something to think about. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers though. I know you're having a tough time but a lot of the time the RIGHT decisions are HARD ones to make.
Ginger
However.... If you are no longer "in love" with him, why drag it out any further. I been there and done that. No need to continue being his mother. You do not need a man to be happy. Find YOUR happiness first!!!! Make you happy! And if he was right then you will find him again. OR the right one will come along.
It's really hard...and it's so hard to put yourself first sometimes, especially when you feel like you are hurting someone else. Work on staying focused on why you are at this point and what you need to change to make yourself happy because as hard as this is, you seem like you are miserable and not living the kind of life you want.
I am not sure how you justified to yourself to support that looser.
Sorry, but I have no better words for him. Not only you have to support him but he also is able to make you feel guilty about you trying to get a life.
I think you gave him so many chances. Unfortunately he learn that he can promise you anything and you will go on the promise itself. He has not done anything so far... so there is great chance he will not do anything this time either.
Cut your loses. Move out, even if you have to move in with your mom, and start living your life.
I am old enough to be your mother, and I have been with enough men to know that once a looser - always a looser. I have been with some men who expected me to do a lot of work, and support them with money. Once they found out that I am not willing to do so - they got upset. Well - that is their issue.
Don't waste your time and your life on someone who has not enough respect for you . He did not do anything last few years to get divorce.
You are not shallow. You finally woke up from a nightmare and you have now enough strength to say "enough". Hope you do well..
Sorry, but I have no better words for him. Not only you have to support him but he also is able to make you feel guilty about you trying to get a life.
I think you gave him so many chances. Unfortunately he learn that he can promise you anything and you will go on the promise itself. He has not done anything so far... so there is great chance he will not do anything this time either.
Cut your loses. Move out, even if you have to move in with your mom, and start living your life.
I am old enough to be your mother, and I have been with enough men to know that once a looser - always a looser. I have been with some men who expected me to do a lot of work, and support them with money. Once they found out that I am not willing to do so - they got upset. Well - that is their issue.
Don't waste your time and your life on someone who has not enough respect for you . He did not do anything last few years to get divorce.
You are not shallow. You finally woke up from a nightmare and you have now enough strength to say "enough". Hope you do well..
Hala. RNY 5/14/2008; Happy At Goal =HAG
"I can eat or do anything I want to - as long as I am willing to deal with the consequences"
"Failure is not falling down, It is not getting up once you fell... So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again...."
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