I won;t bore you all with the details, but the past few months my depression has been increasing.  (I have had PTSD for a number of years with intermittent bouts of MDD.)  Between the continuing PTSD, a full-time job that I hate and makes me feel completely incompetent (something I am NOT used to!), the continuing belly pain issues, the upcoming retirement of my long-time therapist, general financial stress, the stress of roof and siding damage to my house during a May hailstorm (baseball sized hail!) without ANY word yet from my insurance company on how much they are willing to pay to replace both items (I fear that they will only pay for the siding on the two sides of the house actually damaged by the hail and I will somehow have to come up with the money to cover the cost of the rest of the house), and some misc personal crap, I have just been feeling overwhelmed.  To make matters worse, a number of friends have gone back to school or have family or otehr commitments that are keeping them too busy to do more than "check in" periodically... so a lot of my normal support (even if just social support rather than emotional support) is missing right now.

I have tried to do all the "right" things to keep myself hopeful and positive and from becoming overwhelmed (including reading and posting here more than usual because at least it (usually) makes me feel like I have something of value to offer), but I'm losing the battle ATM.  We have increased the antidepressant dosage, but without any improvement yet. I have been feeling suicidal off and on (am NOT at the moment, and I have several people that I can -- and would -- call if I really feared that I might act on those thoughts, so I am safe).

The past several days I have eaten a lot of crap. I even made a special trip out last night to go buy ice cream.  I am less bothered by the fact that I DID it than I am by the fact that I don't CARE that I did it. Please don't bother to tell me that eating crap is not going to help -- and will make me feel worse -- in the long run.  I already know that.  I also know that I need to find a way to tell that evil little voice in the back of my head -- the one that whispers that it won't really matter if I regain a little bit of weight because it's not like I was "skinny" anyway... sort of "if you can't be a size 6, what difference does it make if you're a 10 or a 12 or a 14?" -- to STHU.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. Just looking for something -- anything -- that might help, I guess.  Easier to admit here than IRL. I'm just so sad and stressed and overwhelmed.  I came home from work early because I just couldn't hold it together and I will NOT let someone see me sitting at my desk in tears.  Nap time, I think.  Thanks for reading my nonsense.

Lora

Lora,

I won't say anything about eating crap, I do it too.  Just remember, God doesn't make junk.  You are going through tough times, but a lot of people care.  Your dogs care.  It is amazing how perceptive they are. 

I can only tell you what helps me.  When I can, I try to help others.  Does it cure me?  No, but the more I think of others and less about me, the better it seems.

Take care.
Steve

HUGS first and foremost. Not sure of your spiritual affiliation but PRAYER and talks with your creator (Im agnostic hence me saying "creator") always helps me.

 Oh Lora I am so sorry you are feeling so badly. It seems that when one thing goes wrong it all goes wrong at least in my life anyway. I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom to make it better for you. But know this you are such a wonderful and needed person around here. Without you a lot , myself included would be lost. Much love and hugs.

You know we listen to you, care about you and hope you get to feeling better.  What a hard load you are dragging around.  Sending good, strong healing thoughts.

It's funny to me that I can always find a timely post here...and this one is it today.  I have been very depressed lately, feeling like I don't matter to anyone.  Well, except my mom.  I live everyday because I cannot do that to her.  I love my job, too, but that's not enough.  I don't have many friends (I'm scared to make new ones--long story), my only child passed away 6 years ago, I can't find a boyfriend...I feel so lonely and like I'm "just going through the motions" with no real reason for being here.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through a hard time.  I don't know what else to say...except, you are not alone, and trust me, I know how very little comfort that brings.

HUGS
Christy

Christy, if you need additional support, please post another thread for yourself.  Others may miss you message when they read this one from Lora.  I know others would want to add that you have support here.  We can't know your life, but we understand the need for 'more'.

Have some faith that things will get better for you. 

Thank you.  I hope I didn't make this about myself...I was just hoping to say I can empathize...it's so mental, ya know?  And I wanted Lora to know that, what little comfort it is, she is not alone.  But, thank you.

 Lora, I'm so sorry life i****ting you hard. Remember that you ARE competent and your career is more than the current job. No one's gonna give you a magic solution, and at the very least repeat what you already know, but know that there are alot of hugs out here for you.

Lora,

I'm so sorry that things aren't going well and you're feeling so bad right now.  Seems life can be very painful at times. 

I don't usually post, but I do a lot of reading and have learned so much and am still learning!  But I want to let you know that you are one of my favorites on this board!  You have helped me (and so many others) with your knowledge of WLS along with other issues.  I just felt you needed to know how much I appreciate you taking the time to write and help people.  Please know that it is so much appreciated by me!  

I hope that things will start to turn around for you and get better.  You are in my thoughts!