treatment resistant depression?

Let me see if I can phrase this right.

First of all, I know depression is supposed to be a real treatable condition.  But occassionally people have treatment resistant depression, and that's me. 

Some people eventually find some magic combination of drugs and their treatment resistant depression gets better.  I've taken at least 30 different meds in different combinations, though, and mine is not better.

So what I want to know is, for those here with treatment resistant depression that have not found that magic combination of drugs (I'm assuming I'm not the only one), if you think you're never going to find something to relieve your depression (because I think I'm just stuck with this), how do you keep going?

And no, I'm not suicidal.  I'm just trying to figure out how to feel more hopeful or something.

 I have been diagnosed with treatment resistant depression.  Like you, I have been on many different medications and many different combinations.
For me, at times, what keeps me going is my kids and grand kids and my dogs.  I still have one child that is a minor so I know I have a responsibility to her to do the best I can do.  Sometimes I think that if I didn't have her I wouldn't even leave the house.  Also, I think about my dogs and how they have no one else but me.  I don't know what would happen to them if I couldn't take care of them.  That keeps me going.
I think the main thing that keeps me going is hope and faith.  I have hope that I will get better even though I don't have a lot to base that on given my history.  Maybe medical science will come up with some miracle treatment that hasn't been used yet.  Maybe there is some magic combination of drugs that I haven't tried yet.  Although at times I pretty much give up and don't pursue things as aggressively as I might need to simply because I don't have the energy, I haven't completely given up.
I have good days and not so good days and every day that I wake up I hope it will be a good one.
I also have faith in a higher power and with that I do have a good history.  I look back on my life and know that something has brought me to this point and I have to believe there is a reason.  I look at all the times when things felt hopeless and somehow things have gotten better.  I think about all my prayers that have been answered and how many people are in my life that are good and care about me.  My main reason to keep going on is that the belief that I can do some good in this world and help people, maybe through or because of my past experiences.
Sometimes I just have to remind myself of what I have gone through and realize I am stronger then I think and I can do things that I didn't think were possible.  Sometimes that is as simple as getting up in the morning and putting one foot in front of the other.  When I think I can't take it any more and then realize that I already have.

Thanks for responding.

I don't have children to give me a reason to keep going but I have cats.  One of my cats is diabetic and has a problem with peeing outside of the litter box (and I have tried EVERYTHING) to correct the problem.  I am pretty certain if I weren't here to take take of her, or just became unable to take care of her, no one else would.  I mean, the insulin for her diabetes is sort of expensive and giving her shots every day is kind of a pain, although I don't mind doing that.  But the peeing thing... my whole house smells like pee and I can do things to minimize the smell but nothing seems to get rid of it altogether.  Who else would want to deal with that?

How long have you been in treatment for depression?  I really don't have much hope that it will get better any more.  I've been in treatment for 22 years now.

I have good days and bad days too.  It just seems like there are more bad days.  And some of the bad days are so horribly bad...

I know there are people that care about me.  I know I do good things in the world, though I think I could do a whole lot more if I was not so depressed.

But I've been doing this for 22 years now.  And I'm still fairly young.  I could live another 40 years or even longer.  It's really hard to think of another 40 years of this.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this.  It has been over 20 years for me, too.  I am also on disability for it.
Your cat is so lucky to have you.  One of my dogs isn't very well housebroken and I know it would be hard to find a home for her  and another is on heart medication.  I have 4 and I would never want to see them separated (they are the mother, father and two babies).  That keeps me going.  I thin****pt the babies because the parents were getting old and I needed to know that I would be needed longer ;)  Sometimes you have to cling to any life saver you can.
I think the other thing that keeps me going is knowing that it will get better.  It will get worse, too, since that is the nature of this stupid thing, but at least on the very bad days I can look to the future and some not so very bad days.
I have gone through much of what you have gone through.  Difficulty finding a provider that takes my insurance and difficulty connecting with a counselor.  Not having the energy to even try to find someone.  Being told that I would have to wait 6 months to be seen.  I remember having to wait until last Dec to see someone about my meds and I got a call one day from the university that only takes Medicare patients about once a year and they told me they had an opening and I was able to get in right away.  I was able to get hooked up with a team that had me assessed and on new meds in a matter of days instead of months.  The new meds help a bit more but I will take all the help I can get.
I still have a hard time.  I don't really feel like I am living, only existing, getting through one day after another.  It is a chore just to take a shower and get dressed.  I filled up my car 2 weeks ago and I have only driven it about 25 miles in that time, just shopping and taking my daughter places.  If I had my way sometimes I would never leave the house.
I wish I had answers.  I am going to look into the vagus stimulation and ask my doctor about it.  I have run out of medications to try and now I am just recycling the ones I have already been on, trying different combinations.  Sometimes they help but after a while they fizzle out and I need to get on something else.  There are no miracle drugs out there for me.
I will keep you in my thoughts and pray that things will get better for you and soon.  You need a break.  You have been through so much. 

Hi Kelly,
I think I've mentioned before that I work in the mental health field. I have worked with quite a few people who are treatment resistant when it comes to depression. I also have depression but have been lucky enough to have meds work for me most of the time. I recently have been working with a woman who tried Vagus Nerve Stimulation and wondered if you had considered that? She has been doing it for about 3 months now and starting noticing a slight difference in the second week. Just thought I would throw it out there...

Good luck in finding some relief...this can be such a heavy burden to carry...

Tammy

I have thought of VNS.  My insurance will not pay for it.  I used to think I would try it if I could.  However, I recently tried ECT and my experience was pretty negative.  I realize ECT is quite different than VNS but it still makes me very hesitant to think of trying something like that.

Yeah, I have always been a little afraid of ECT and I have heard that Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation is usually not helpful for those who have not been successful with ECT. I haven't heard that with VNS (not that it might not be true-just haven't heard it). I also have no idea what it would cost. The woman I am working with is doing it and medicare is paying for it. You might be able to appeal your insurance company if you wanted to try it. BTW, she had tried ECT and it didn't work for her.

Medicare is paying for it?  I was under the impression they would not cover VNS.  Perhaps now they will?  That makes it an option for me.

I have not heard anything negative about VNS - not that I've heard that much about it either way, but I did do some reading.  My hesitation to try it, even if insurance will cover it, is based on nothing but my negative feelings about my experience with ECT.  I am typically much more logical and base medical decision on science - I look for studies, stuff like that.  But I just still feel emotional about the whole ECT experience.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow.  I supposed I should ask him about VNS.

Did the woman you are working with have the device implanted?  The way you are saying she "is doing it" makes it sound like something else.

Has she had a lot of relief with it after three months?

She did have the implant put in but went in weekly at first (I think for adjustment of the stimulation??), now she goes in every few weeks and yes, is doing much better. I think it has helped her get back to a threshhold where she is able to motivate herself to do some otehr things that help...diet and exercise...whereas before she just didn't have the motivation, energy or concern...it's worth asking about. I can ask her how the approval process went if you like?

It's usually easy to get Medicare to approve things.  They either pay for things or they don't.  Like, you know how everyone has to go through this big deal to get their insurance companies to pay for RNY?  Not with Medicare.  You don't have to submit anything for approval.  They have qualifications you have to meet, and if you meet them, you just have surgery and your surgeon and hospital send them the bill and they pay for it.  So the approval process doesn't worry me.

I feel like my depression is severe enough it keeps me from doing other things that would help.  Like exercise.  Or socializing more.

I'm definitely talking to my doc about it tomorrow.