This has nothing to do with WLS.  I need some support, though.  Or just need someone to talk to.  My partner is trying to help but he just keeps telling me everything is OK or will be OK and I guess he thinks that will make me feel better but it doesn't because he it's NOT OK right now and he doesn't know that it will be OK in the future.

Anyway.  As many of you here know, I have a history of depression.  And some know I recently went through a series of ECT treatment.  I was really bad off when I agreed to the ECT and it did help, at least some.  I would not say I feel great now but I'm not suicidal and I'm fairly functional now.

The problem is that the ECT had some undesirable side effects.  I was aware that it might.  But my short term memory is now terrible.  Not only that, but like, the other day I had to go to the post office, where I go all the time, and I could not remember how to get there.  I went to the grocery store and could not remember where anything was.  I had the hardest time shopping.  I've forgotten things that make it hard to function, as well as things that are just embarrassing - like, I forget the name of the little boy that  lives next door, even though I know the family pretty well.

Perhaps the biggest problem is this.  I am on disability for the depression but I do some freelance writing on a part time basis for extra money.  I need that extra money, but I also enjoy writing.  I like doing it, and I think I'm good at it so it makes me feel good.  Good for my self-esteem, you know.

Well, my writing ability has been greatly affected by the ECT.  First of all, writing an article that would have been quick and easy in the past is now a struggle and it's not fun.  Then, when I submit an article to the publisher, I frequently get requests to make corrections.  That's something that happens sometimes to any writer, but now it happens a LOT.  So now I'm very anxious about writing and submitting any work.

This is extremely, extremely depression to me.  My partner doesn't get it.  I guess he doesn't get that writing is important to me.  But he also keeps telling me my writing ability will get back to normal soon, and I think he's just saying that to try to make me feel better.  He doesn't know that.  It might get back to normal.  But he doesn't know it will.  And what if it doesn't?  And even if it does eventually, what am I supposed to do until then?

I don't know what I'm asking for here.  I just want to talk to somebody.

Do you have any friends who are good editors??  If not let me know! I have a friend who enjoys doing it and I don't think she'd mind (or charge).  Have someone give your articles a once-over before you submit them.  My greatest advice is to work around your flaws as best you can.  Prayerfully, everything DOES in fact get better, but in the meantime make the best of what you have.   

Kelly,

I hope that it does get better and like the previous poster, I would say in the meantime work around your limitations.  While this has to be terribly distressing, it is still important to focus on the positive aspects of your current cir****tances.  For example, you note that the depression is better, and you can still write, albeit with some struggle and imperfections.  And apparently your work isn't getting rejected, simply asked for corrections.  It is not my intent to make light of your concerns, I myself went through a period two years ago, where I could remember very little and was essentially non-functional.  I even went for testing for alzheimers, I felt my memory was so bad.  For me, it was mainly a matter of getting the depression under control, but I still have to live with the possibility of alzheimers, as well as continuing to struggle with depression.  But, my struggle is greater when I am focused on what I can't do or on what "might" happen.  Our fears can run rampant when we are going through such a difficult time. 

Through all of this, Kelly, you have continued to be a support to others.  I hope that others can rally around you at this time.

Kelly, I'm sorry you are struggling right now.  You've weathered many storms, and I am confident you'll make it through this one.  For now, can you put aside writing as a job while you recover?  And maybe enjoy writing on here...on OH....I've learned so much from what you wrote over the years and I'm sure many others have too.  You are one of the leaders on OH (IMHO) and I'll bet there are several others that would concur.

If you don't recover completely so that writing is a joy and not a chore, I know you'll find your "lemonade" in that basket of lemons.  You are such an inspiration and friend to us, I pray everything works out and you are back to 100% in the writing world again.

Have a great day my friend!

Kim

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time.  I really hope that your memory problems resolve soon.

I had a co-worker (*****tired a couple years ago & I miss), who had ECT.  She was very open about it and spoke about "missing years".  I don't think she recalled much of the time that she was undergoing therapy.  She did function at work - and well.  She had no issues with detail day to day.  So, hopefully, your day to day memory will improve too.

Hope you can find a way to do what you love, and get paid for it, during this time.  I think your partner is trying to be supportive and maybe just doesn't know how it do it right now. 

{{{HUGS}}}
Laura

I won't even PRETEND to understand what you are going through but imagine it must be extremely frustrating and scary.  As others have said, continue to do what you are doing but be gentle with yourself when it comes to your current limitations. You are right; no one knows what the future will bring...and because no one knows, it also does no good to worry over it. Simply do what you can right now and let the future sort itself out when it gets here.

As to the short term memory loss: perhaps you need to find a way to deal with the problems as you see them right now. Have your partner write down things like directions to the post office; make yourself a list of grocery items you need so you cut down on your frustrations at the store; and have a trusted friend or collegue edit your writing before you send it off. Concrete, workable solutions are what you need now to help you cope AND to boost your confidence.

Keep us posted on your progress and challenges. Sometimes just letting them out into the world helps.

Kelly,
I don't have much time for a reply right now but I wanted to send HUGS! And a thought. These editors know you are a good writer and have a lot to contribute or they wouldn't ask you for articles. So if they ask for corrections, it doesn't mean they like your papers any less and will ask you for fewer submittals, it just means they want to help you make it better.

I hope you feel better soon. I'll check back later.
Jan

Kelly, as you know, I had ECT a few years back. I had some of the same memory problems you describe, and it was very frustrating! My memory is still very hazy around the time of the treatments, but my short term memory has gotten much better. I predict that you wil be back to normal before you know it.

In the meantime, you've gotten some great advice from the other posters. I don't have more to add except a (((HUG)))...keep coming here for support - because we've all gotten so much from you!

I think your partner is like my DH, he's not sure what to do or say but he wants to help and take it away some how but can't. My DH keeps telling me to start writing my book or write in my journal but like you I'm affected by depression and it makes anything I write or try to write crap! I tend to be a perfectionist and I'm super hard on myself when  something I'm doing doesn't turn out right and then I don't want to do it at all because I don't enjoy it anymore. It's the same with my music. I hope and pray that your writing gets back to normal. I don't know what you could do to try to get back to a place where you enjoy it again. Maybe just writing for yourself like in a journal might help, writing about things that bring you happiness. That way there's no pressure for it to look or be a certain way.  I'm sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way! ((HUGS))

I really hate that you are having to deal with this. I'll second what others have said: you give a lot of yourself  on these boards. It's not fun to feel betrayed by your own brain.

I have zero knowledge of ECT, so I won't pretend to know what that's like. But I've dealt with fear. I get all crawly looking back, so I won't go into it. The only suggestion I might offer is weird, but it works for me pretty well:
Visualize failure.
Ask yourself what's the worst possible outcome of what you're dealing with today. What are you most afraid of. Then really imagine yourself there. There you are. It's your life now.

What would you do, in that situation? If that was your reality? What do you think your next moves would be? Would you try to find a new outlet? Explore a new form of expression?  Would you work on developing alternate income sources? What would your likely first attempts be? Would you make letting people know you have some memory issues part of your "getting to know you" process?

Noe of those are suggestions, I don't feel like I know you well enough to try to tell you what you would/should do in that worst-case scenario. The suggestion part is to confront the fears you have about your future by acknowledging it and then creating your own kind of "back-up plan".

Fear and frustration can do this really b.s. kind of cycling in our thinking. Creating that plan kind of breaks that cycle because when you think, "Oh, god, what if X?"  you can then follow it with, "I've already thought about this. If X, then I'm going to Y."   And Y doesn't have to be a full or perfect resolution, it just has to be a plan, a step, because having that puts you back in charge.
Feeling impotent in your own life, in your own mind, is one of the worst feelings there is.

I'll be wishing you the best as you work through this.