Nik vs. Nik (round 2,457)

I wouldn’t say these are dark times in my post-op experience, but I definitely feel myself transitioning into a new phase over here.

 

Just to get you up to speed, here’s a short summary of my journey thus far:

 

Year one: Am I really losing weight? HOLY CRAP I’M REALLY LOSING WEIGHT!!!!

 

Year two: I’m not losing weight anymore. Am I going to regain the weight? Did I ever REALLY lose it to begin with or are you guys just effing with me?

 

Year three: Ok, maybe I did lose the weight. But then I gained some back. And now I want to lose that and get to goal. But my body will. Not. Budge!!!

 

So now into year 4 post-op I feel bad habits creeping back in. Not bad eating habits. In respect to my particular food issues, RNY was the perfect solution. I NEED negative consequences to inappropriate behavior. I got dumping and a curiously restrictive stoma (even at 3 years post-op). For this, I am thankful.

No, I am speaking of mental/emotional/self-image habits. I don’t like looking at myself in pictures (although I take them incessantly). I feel like I look way too big (please, much as I love you, don’t do the “but you don’t look big to me, Nik!" It somehow makes me feel worse for feeling the way I feel).

 

And lethargy has crept in which is strange. I LOVE exercise. Love it. I love the challenge of trying to do what I think I cannot. Love the endorphins. Love the exhilaration. Love to feel the air in my lungs as they work to keep up with what I am doing. Lately? I want to sleep. A lot. Last weekend I slept more than I had probably in the last three months combined.

 

I don’t enjoy shopping for clothes as much as I used to either. Somehow I am just a little bit lost. My self image is not that great. Pictures aren’t helping. I should say I still wear the same clothing size I have since about 18 months post-op. I am wearing the same summer clothes as last year. They re not tight. Externally everything is ok. This is a problem with my head.

 

On the overall I’m a pretty confident person in that I know, academically, that I am worthy of happiness, that I’m a good looking person, that I have done well in my process. I think I just need a “mental recalibration" if that makes any sense.

 

I call these the “wait…there’s more!" benefits to WLS. Us post-ops are like onions. Peel off a layer and you get to…another layer…that will most likely make you cry!

 

Just thought I’d share where my head is these days.

Thinking of you.  You are going through some life "crisis" situations the last few months.  A little introspection isn't a bad thing.

I've been so "steady" these last 2 years.  Focused, on target. Having plastic surgery last week - much pain, little activity - the old "battle"  "you poor thing - here have some ___________, you will feel better."  I'm fighting old thoughts and behaviors due to a life trauma - that is indeed (in the grand scheme of things) temporary.

I haven't given in to refined carbs and am doing what I need to be doing but also have the "feeling" of being on thin ice.

I started logging my intake today (after not doing so for one week) and also started the Beck Diet Solution this morning (my 3rd time reading it since RNY.)  It is such a good source about saboutaging thoughts and cognitive behavior.  I feel like I need to be "inputting" positive into this mind of mind.

Hope you find that "sweet spot".  Regards and best wishes.

 With all the life changes you are going through I am not surprised that you are tired.  I would be, too.  
Maybe when life feels out of control we focus on stupid things we think we can control like our food or size.  Silly us.

just remember that we love you no matter where your crazy head is at!!! 

Girl, I'm right there with you.  I had a bad spell(a close friend and 3 animals dying)last year and got into a funk, bad eating habits crept back in and I didn't give a **** So 30 lbs later, I wake up because I have to buy a bigger size clothes, UGH! This sucks.  I have my motivation back and am working out 5 times a week and its kicking my butt, but, it is necessary.  I found out, after all that, that I still care about me.  I do NOT want to go back to 291 lbs for nothing.  I'm back to protein first and cutting out all the crap.  It is way harder to maintain then I would have thought.  Sometimes I think to myself, I'm alomost 60 years old(58), I shouldn't have to work out like this.  It just aint right!  Then I think, how do I want to spend the rest of my life? Diabetes, high blood pressure?  No, its got to begin and end with me and my choices. So, just for today, I'm going to do the best I can.  We can do hard things.  Hang in Nik, hang in.

I know you said not to but I think you look great, i wish I looked HALF that good. On the other hand you are going to be my inspiration sort of. When I get my surgery I am going to come back to THIS post and read what you posted so I know if I am experiencing any of the things you are that it will be ok, I wont be the only one.

Nik, a guy told me, "You can't think your way into good living.  You have to live your way into good thinking."  Point is, Nik, just do the next right thing.  The rest will take care of itself.

I love your phrase “mental recalibration"!  That is perfect! 

Nikki, you have about a million things going on right now... big, substantial things.  I would bet it's all mentally exhausting.  I know I've been through stages in my life where there was so much going on that I just felt... I don't know, depressed isn't the right word, it's more like I just checked out for a while.  Nothing seems to be just right, everything is out of sync.

When you said that you think you needed a 'mental recalibration', that totally hit home with me.  I think you're right... I think you're just in this phase and there's no magic words to say or processes you can adopt to snap you out of it.  Sometimes it just takes putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time...

Once some time has passed (a week, a month, three months... who knows), one day it'll dawn on you that you aren't feeling as blah, and things start to take on more meaning again.  Just keep doing what you're doing, being mindful about your eating, your body movement, taking care of moving (to a new place to live, literally), all the things occupying your mind right now... and this too shall pass. 

You are too insightful a person to be kept down for long.  What you already KNOW about how fabulous you are in all ways will once again ring true in your head.  Until then, let us all remind you when you need a pick-me-up.

Thinking of you...


tori