OT--Teenage issues

I agree with Sookie as well!  I am the single parent to 3 teenage daughters!  They are currently 19, 18 and 16 - and they are awesome girls!  I am very involved with them, in every aspect of their lives.  I set down ground rules, like Sookie said, if they want something outside of what I need to buy, they spend their money!  My girls have ALL paid for their own phones - THANK YOU PAY AS YOU GO!!!! - they have purchased their own cars, pay their own car insurance and for gas!  If they do not learn now, how will they?  As they have grown, they always knew that at any given time, I could take their phones and check them out.  Text messages, pictures, accounts on Facebook or MySpace!  I had the passwords and if they thought they would change them, then they lost all computer privledges.  These are NOT needs, they are wants and should be earned.  I pay for my phone, and a house phone.  While I understand, in this day of technology and kids are so busy - blah, blah, blah, I will not pay for their extra's.  Again, SINGLE parent, dad chose not to be active and pays NOTHING, so we make do with what we have and make it count!!!  I also give them much freedom, knowing full well that when smothered as a teen, once you are "free" from your parents, you tend to run crazy and makes rash choices.  As long as they are staying out of trouble, not breaking the law, and grades are good, they can pretty much do what they want. (within reason)  They ALL work - and balance school, work, family and friends - while this may not work for ALL - it works for us.  My 2 oldest graduated high school with Honors!  My oldest just completed year 1 of college with a 3.2 average!  My youngest is a future firefighter, and just won 2 - 1st place trophies in last weeks competition - I must be doing something right!!  OH - and they LOVE me!  I am their friend, but most importantly, I am their MOM and they LOVE ME!!!!!

Thanks

Kelly

I maybe off but I would sit down with the friend and discuss the phone issue.  I would tell her that those charges will need to be dealt with.  THEN I would approach the parents.  Put the responsibility on the young lady.  Knowing she doesn't have money but let her know what expectations you have.  I would not not let her visit.  You do not know what her home life is like.  She may be visiting because your family is stable and that is what she needs.  Limit her alone time with your daughter (no long weekends). Treat her like you would your own daughter, with love and consistency.  She will either conform or disappear.  Either way she chooses you and your family will win.
Good luck.

You have to keep in mind that your daughter ALLOWED her friend to make the texts.  Your daughter is as much to blame and if she were mine she would be paying the bill herself.  Your daughter chooses to be a friend of this girl  (it's pretty hard to stop that) but she should have consequences of the behaviors she participates in.

There is also the possibility that your daughter is blaming the "friend" rather than taking the blame for what she did. 

My kids have a couple of friends that I watch like a hawk when they are over.  We discuss the things that those kids do that is wrong, & why they need to be careful around those friends.  It's a learning experience for them.

I am not thrilled with the teenage years so far & my kids have just started.

Good luck

Pup

Let me preface this with saying that I have already raised two grown daughters, with a third who is turning 11.

I am NOT a perfect parent, and I certainly have made mistakes.

Just to play the devil's advocate...I want you to consider a few things.


This girl that you feel is a bad influence on your child, is still a child herself.  Instead of feeling that she is devil incarnate come to sacrifice your angel child, take a good hard look at your child.  Does she march to the beat of her own drum, or is she a follower?  This girl is just ONE of many many many girls like her, and they are always around, always looking for another friend.  Your daughter has choices.  Those choices include to put the heavy make up on (unless the girl is holding her down and forcing her to do it, which that brings up many more issues...). 

As far as dressing the same way as the girl, who buys your daughter's clothes?  You?  Then YOU decide how she dresses.  If she leaves your home, changes in the bathroom at school or the mall, THAT is on your daughter.  NOT on the other kid. 

Your daughter is being sneaky?  Why?  What is she hiding from you or afraid to share with you?  Again, your daughter's choice to refrain from sharing, and hiding actions, NOT the other girl's fault.

I used to rant and rave, and forbid my kids from hanging out with certain girls...etc.  Then, I started thinking about something.  WHY?  There are always going to be bad influences in our children's lives and instead of focusing on what they CAN'T do, and who they CAN'T hang out with, why not focus on how you are raising them, and how you are treating people who come into their lives?  Instead of forbidding your daughter from seeing this thirteen year old, have you tried sitting down with this other child and just talking?  If she is acting out at thirteen, there's a reason.   Why not try to swallow the "URGH, KID, I can't STAND YOU..." feelings and just show compassion?  I know how hard it is, but you would be amazed to see how a kid like that can blossom and turn around when they are given a little attention.  And, what an amazing kind thing for your child to see.  If you treat your daughter's friend as unwelcome, and undesireable, guess what?  Your daughter will want to see her and be with her MORE than ever.

You say her parent's drop her off for a three day "vacation".  At least if she is at your house, she (and your daughter) are safe.  They are fed.  They have adult supervision.  

Please know that anything you are dealing with, I have dealt with and then some.  These views I have now have come after having a child missing for over a month.  I have been to the edge, and it is NOT pretty.

I believe that if you focus on strengthening your relationship with your daughter, and encouraging her to KNOW herself and trust her OWN insticts and develop her OWN beliefs, you won't have to worry about other people influencing her.  She will be strong and stand up for herself.  This doesn't happen on it's own, and you have to encourage her to be able to share with you.  It's HARD.  We (as parents) have to step outside of our comfort zone, jump out of our boxes and TALK to our kids.  

As far as the money...UGH!  You can mention it to the parents, but ultimately, you may have to suck it up and pay it.  Small price to pay for a big lesson learned though.


Good luck! 

 

Thank you so much for your reply. I truly want to be a parent who can see things from every angle. I know my child is no angel..she has given us teen angst for a number of years. I have also been ibn the education field for many years and those "bad kids" are often only ignored and unloved at home. I have taken some time to reflect and am looking clearly at both of their actions not just the other girl. Thanks again for the wisdom:)

 I would use this as a teachable moment for your daughter. It was her phone and she allowed it to be used. I would require her to pay back the $40 either from her own money (allowance, savings) or - better- by doing work around the house that are not her normal chores.... washing cars, mowing the lawn, whatever.  She may also choose to approach her friend for reimbursement of the costs. 

I just feel that by having her be 'liable' for the payment, she learns to take responsibility for the actions of those using her things. Whether she knew that the fees would be incurred, are not even the issue. They were charged, on her phone, so she should pay them. If her friend shirks the responsibility of paying for it, then she will see that she cannot rely on this friend to do the right thing.

It may cause her to think twice about letting someone use her phone or FB. What if the calls were bullying comments or 'sexting'? The receiver would think they came from her. It's just another way to teach her about being careful of phone/internet communications and not letting others access her accounts.

Anyway, that is my 2cents.