Horrid day yesterday (food and otherwise) need some encouragement for today

Yesterday (the "anniversary" of a pretty vicious assault a few years ago) was a horrid day -- not just "I feel like ****" horrid, but "I don't know why I don't just open up a vein" horrid -- despite my best efforts to make it feel safe and to pamper and comfort myself in ways that were not food related.  (Do not worry, I am not in any danger of actually harming myself.).  I had a massage and a bubble bath, put on my favorite jammies in the middle of the afternoon, lit a fire and watched a baseball game against our division rivals (we won!), and had a bunch of lighthearted DVDs to watch in the evening. I started the day with a big protein shake, and had PLANNED for allowing some popcorn or pretzels during the ballgame, having one of my favorite healthy but yummy dinners, and treating myself with a couple of marshmallows roasted on the fire.  What I actually ate was pretty much crap from mid-afternoon onward and I needed some pharmaceutical "help" just to make it through the evening and night.

I periodically allow myself "free days" where I eat whatever I want (but am still portion conscious), so although I am a bit disappointed about yesterday because I consciously chose NOT to make it a true "free day" (because I was afraid I would go completely off the deep end if I did that) -- and clearly it ended up as one anyway -- , it's not even that that is the problem.  The one rule associated with my free days is that one cannot turn into two (because I know myself well enough to know that two will then turn into three)! The problem is that I don't feel much better emotionally today and already every thought I have had about what to have for breakfast has been crap... so I fear another day like yesterday (both emotionally and food-wise).

I had half a cinnamon roll protein bar for breakfast.  I am trying to remind myself that I have been very good (and fairly successful) since my surgery about being aware of what I am eating (and why) and allowing for treats as part of an overall healthy lifestyle.  Today that feels like it is all in jeopardy... I can feel how easy it would be to just go back to eating crap all the time.  Intellectually, I know that I won't... because I have worked too damn hard over the last 4 years and NEVER want to go back to being obese... but it's a scary feeling... and it is the first time in the almost 4 years since my RNY that I have felt that way.

I ^%$#& hate this time of year (and finding out 2 weeks ago that my counselor is retiring this summer has NOT helped)!!!
I don't usually ask.... but I could really use some encouragement today.

Lora

Intelligence and emotion are strange bedfellows. There is a constant battle between what we know intelligently and what we feel emotionally. I find that I need to remind myself to empower the intelligence from tine to time.

For me, sometimes that means moving myself out of a situation that allows me to focus on the emotional. I find that getting out in a crowd helps even if that simply means heading to a WalMart to to fight the crowds or anywhere I am forced to interact with others. I don't allow myself "alone time" when this happens.

You are strong enough to get through this. Remind yourself of your past victories as they are predictors of future victories. And, if you felt yesterday was not a success, focus on how today you will take control again.

Ken

I'm sorry your having a bad couple days... don't be so hard on yourself, you are such an inspiration to me and to many.   Remember your human and we all have these days, these damn cravings, but i know you have the stregnth and you know your are stronger than those urges.

chin up Lora, there is always a tomorrow and you have us all here.


Happy Easter !

XOXO
Maria

Just wanted you to know we are here for you! Keep your chin up. You can get through this rough times. It is okay to eat a little extra once in awhile we are human. Now try to get back on track. Do you like to exercise? Exercise really helps with the stress. Just find something you enjoy doing.

My thoughts and prayers are with you

Julie

Lora - sending you major hugs and good vibes this Easter morning!! 

Yesterday is yesterday and today is today - a fresh new start.  Get you some good tasting protein choces together - good shakes, chicken breast over salads, grilled hamburger, egg salad, tuna salad, greek yogurt with flavorings added, etc.  Make is taste as good as possible - and when you feel like eating, eat on that.  Are you able to go outside for a walk?  This always seems to clear my head and make me focus on other things plus helps my body out, too.


I always look forward to reading your posts and take to heart your advice - YOU ARE A MAJOR SUCCESS with the WLS lifestyle    - and a major resource for all of us on the board - so please feel the good vibes coming through today and know we are pulling for you!!!  This life, no matter our situation, has to be lived one day at a time, and sometimes one hour at a time - and each success (day by day or hour by hour) is still SUCCESS!!!

Lora, I am so sorry that you are going through this experience.  While I haven't been through the experience that you have, I have had other major traumas.  As you know, those scars are there for a lifetime, but we do not have to let them be open wounds.  It sounds as though you were very conscious and planful in how to take care of yourself yesterday.  I hope you celebrate that and not just focus on the negative.  I do wonder if you don't need to get out and be around other people.  When we are alone we are more likely to ruminate, or to slip into unconscious, mindless methods of soothing the underlying feelings.  Please feel free to PM me if you want to just talk.  I used to be a therapist in the Dayton area as well, but now live in the Columbus area.

Lora.... some folks get comfort from my posts on here. I have seen it, and have PMs that tell me that too. I really enjoy being one with knowlege who can help comfort and educate others. it's my avocation after all. In a way that dovetails with who and what you are.... as you try to help people too.

The feelings that I know others have towards me.... look up to me, value my advice, etc.... I know that you and Kelly also engender this same feeling of almost hero worship here. This isn't bad, I had people I looked up to when I first visited this site... but my point is, that not only do the newbies and the new-ops look up to you.... *I* look up to you and really value your advice and the balance you always show. You are well-respected and your words here have serious impact. When I come online and don't see that you've responded to any posts (you might have, but weren't the last responder) I am less interested in opening threads. If you have responded I look to see what you have said, becuase while I know you don't walk on water or anything like that... I know that you have a balance that I learn from each day, and I truly value your friendship.

I think sometimes it's easy to see someone as self-possessed as yourself as not needing personal support also, since you have so many answers and such a good way of putting things.
I hope you find some solace in the procession of time.

The sexual abuse and assault that is in my past is WAY in my past.... was the precursor to my gaining all of my weight.. The legal system was supposed to contact me when the various and sundry individuals who went to prison were released, but alas, they never did contact me. Which means that they probably died in prison. The other day, though, I saw not one but both of the surnames of the two primary "bad guys" in my situation, and I found myself wondering if they ever got out, and if they were out there exploiting young women all over again.

Today is another day as is tomorrow. I know from experience that certain days are hard but when those days come I remind myself of all the good things that have happened since then. I sure hope that you are feeling beetter soon.

Hang in there,this is a rough time of year for you.Nobody is perfect all of the time.Look at all you have accomplished.Have a great Easter.

((((hugs))))

I love what Ken said, and the others.

Hang in there. You are strong. You know that, even if you don't "feel" it right now.

You have been an inspiration to me and many others, mainly because you allow your humanity to show through your extreme intelligence and discernment. I like that, and value it. Thank you for all you have done.

I wish there was something I could say or do in return. Having been sexually assaulted more than once in my life I may kind of be able to relate to what you are dealing with, but obviously I can't "know" your pain.

Wishing peace to you somehow to day my friend.