OT: emotional smackdown

In two weeks, it will be the "anniversary" of a very violent sexual assault I suffered several years ago, so right now is a very stressful time for me.  I still see my therapist every other week or so (yes, even after several years) after a number of years of seing her almost every week.  Tonight she informed me that, due to family issues, she will be retiring early.... in a couple of months.  She knew that it would be a difficult thing for me to hear, but she wanted to give me as much notice as possible.  She told the other therapists in the office late last week but asked them not to mention it to anyone else (they will need to find a new therapist to rent her space****il she had told two of her clients.  I was the first client she told, partly because -- since I am also a therapist in the area -- she wanted to make sure I heard it from her rather than through the grapevine.

So, basically, although I completely understand why she needs to retire, I still feel a little like I have been kicked in the gut.  I am not exaggerating when I say that, if it were not for her, I would have committed suicide during the first year or two after the attack.  "Losing" her is going to be hard.

So... the first thing I did when I got home from my session with her tonight.... was eat enough Haagen Dazs strawberry ice cream that I started to feel the early signs of dumping (and it takes a lot of sugar to make me dump).  So now I am disappointed in myself for that immediate -- and almost instinctual and unconscious -- response to turn to food for comfort.  I know, it was just one slip... it's just frustrating to know that even after almost 4 years of trying to be very aware of what I eat and why, and to be sure that I am NOT eating for ANY emotional reasons, that repsonse is still there lurking in the back of my brain.

Pffft. 

Lora

I am very sorry Lora.  I know it's hard when you feel there's no one to talk to.  I hope you find a new therapist soon that you feel good about.  Sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to, I just can't really open up about things from my past.  Sometimes it's just better in my case to not talk. 
As far as the eating you're only human and you must forgive yourself.  You've been very successful so far and I am sure you will continue on that path!

When I lost my mum, I was devastated. I had to recognize that it was OKAY for me to be devastated and to work through my grief.... and some of that included using food to try to subsume my grief... I was in my six month supervised diet, but yeah, I had a baconator or two from wendys. I realized that it didn't cure my emptiness. But for me, it was a part of my process.

I know that you know this far more than I do, it's your speciality, and I'm only an armchair psychologist (with myself as my only usual patient)

I hope that you are able to find a balance again, and find focus and also find a new, effective therapist to help you.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough time and that you are losing a trusted counselor.    I cannot imagine what you went through years ago.   

Don't be too hard on yourself about resorting to what used to work in the past, some habits die hard.   Hang in there and I'll be sending good vibes your way.

tg

 You are going through a lot, I wouldn't be harder on yourself for the slip....SLIP happens.  I was raped in High School and I still see a Psychiatrists and a physiologist regularly.  My Psychiatrist is a little white haired old man with a red bow tie.  I love him.  I have finally found someone that I can feel comfortable with and I worry he will be retiring soon.  He is out of town a lot (from what they say) and the other day I caught him falling asleep on me.  I hate to even think of the hassle of looking for a new doctor. 

 Dear Lora,  I have no advice or words of wisdom,  but what you wrote so simply really moved me.  i can imagine how lost you must feel to lose the support of the person who saw you through this very terrible time.   I can just relate to not wanting to start from scratch and familiarize some new person to all you have been through.  I will remember you in my prayers.   Be well.  Lori

I don't know if food has always been an issue for you, but it has been for me. I have never been thin. I have turned to food in times of stress and in times of joy. With everything that has happened to me in my life and all the people who were supposed to care for me but didn't, food was always there. Like my best friend, it was there when I needed it and it always made me feel better. If this is the case for you, I think it's completly understandable that after finding out that you would be losing a very important place to turn to for comfort, you turned to the only other constant source of comfort you've had. You realized that you turned to food after just one mistake and after reading your post, I think you will be more aware of it in the future. I also think that you will try very hard to not let it happen again. If you ask me, this is something to be very proud of. I've seen alot of people on here that slip up once and then give up and keep slipping up until they've gained several pounds back. I don't know if this is much help to you and I know that I haven't had my surgery yet, so I don't know what relationships with food are like after surgery, but I was physically and mentally abused my entire life so I know what it's like to always be scared and to relive moments over and over. I can't imagine living through what you have lived through and I am so sorry that something like that happened to you. Thank you for all of the help that you've offered to me and to others on this site.  ((HUGS))

It's clear that you're devastated by this news, and I'm very sorry that it's happened. And then, you're disappointed in yourself for turning to food.

My only advice is to be kind to yourself. You'll make it past the anniversary, and you'll find another therapist, and you will survive, because it's very clear, you are a survivor.

You'll be in my thoughts.

Caroline

My therapist retired 11 years ago. Still miss him. The retirement came out of the blue and hit me right in the gut, too. Can still remember the feeling in my gut when that happened.
Mom almost died a few weeks later. Where was he when I needed him? Ran up a $300K hospital bill. What I remeber is the police officer in the next room dying while she was in SICU. Whole floor lined with police officers.
We got through it.
I figured out that she was a survivor and so was I. I think you are, too. You have been through the fire and lived to tell about it.
Together you should be able to find a replacement who understands you. The old therapist should be able to update the new if you start looking soon enough. If the first one isn't right, move on.
While you are having one of the worst days ever I'm having one of by best in years thanks to my new psychologist. The last one was OK, so I thought, and I only switched because of insurance. Now I'm glad I did. This one may be even better than the one I lost 11 years ago.
Whatever you do, don't just settle for whoever you can get.
Decide what you want in a new therapist. Get someone who meets your requiremenents. See if they measure up to what yu want. Try more than one if you have to. I don't see anything wrong in "comparison shopping."
It will be a double whammy in two weeks. An anniversary reaction and what is essentially a death in the family.
Falling off the wagon as infrequently as you do is a sign of strength, not weakness. Being able to figure out why is even more important so that it doesn't ahppen again and so that you can prepare for it the next time.
Surgeons like to go through a complicated proceudre in their minds the day before to anticipate problems and rehearse them mentally so if they do get problems so already know what to do. They are mentally prepared. This is what you have to do if the urge strikes you again. That way you will be on autopilot and will already know how you want to react.
We are here for you and thinking of you.
Don't let the turkey from years ago keep dragging you down. Living well is the best revenge.

 {{{{{HUGS!!!!!}}}}}

Lora,
I have no experience in anything you are going through, but I wish you the best and hope you can work through this and find someone just as wonderful to help you.  Sometimes slip ups happen, and, though you know far more about this than I do, we are only human and have to forgive ourselves.  I've been having a very stressful time the last three days with my younger son (we're like oil and water), DH out of town, and chocolate bunnies and eggs in the house.  And i think PMS i****ting really badly today.  I consumed so much chocolate it's not even amusing.  I should be dumping like crazy but I don't dump when I'm pmsing.  Tomorrow is a new day and I know now that I won't continue the behavior tomorrow, unlike before when I would just give up and keep eating myself into a stupor.  I think once in a while, we need to let ourselves be comforted with whatever it takes, then move on.

But the main thing is not about me, it's about you and the terrible thing you went through and the stress you must now deal with.  All I can send is my love and a shoulder for you to lean on.  You have always been a source of inspiration and strength to me through this journey.  I wish you only the best.

Take care my friend.
Jan