Marriage & WLS

I've made several comments about needing support because I have a severe lack of it at home.  Last night I had a light bulb moment...duh...I can't believe I didn't see it coming.  When I had my lapband, I dropped 75 lbs.  The hermit came out of the shell.  I became confident.  I could no longer bury my feelings with food so the feelings came out of my mouth.  It put a major strain on our marriage.  I no longer wanted to sit home and hide.  Then the problem with the band and I have put the weight back on.  Our marriage improved somewhat.  Now with this surgery just a little over a week away, he is becoming very aggitated.  Is this "for better or worse" that I agreed to?  Anyone else experience this?  I'm having this surgery for ME.  I want to be confident, I want to feel better, I want to look better, I want to be a better healthier mom for my kids.  Am I going to have to remain fat just to save my marriage?  How fair is that?  FRUSTRATED!

Of course it mainly for you. I have had a few friends that had this surgery and the problem I saw was when they dropped pounds they dropped their husband along with it. Dressing inapproiatly, going to clubs, ignoring their spouse, attitude change, drinking when they didnt before because of all the partying, caused their family to break apart. It is sad. If you have a good marriage before and truly love your spouse then it will not change. We are not becomming teenagers again, just losing weight. Its nice to feel good and confident but I choose to be that way with my spouse. Include him and dont change who you are and things will remain fine.

I have 3 kids so those aren't an option for me anyway.  Im the queen of modesty so dress wasn't an issue.  I think I was just happier and more outgoing.  He just had no interest in anything I wanted to do.  When I gained the weight back and began sitting around the house again, he became happier.  He is very overweight and needs to lose about 100 lbs himself.  I just don't know why he can't be happy for me.

Sorry, but I have to say that you are doing some very broad generalizing here... especially considering that you don't know this person or her husband.   Maybe this poster NEEDS to change who she was because who she was perviously was severely impacted by her weight and insecurity.  What if she NEEDS to be more open and honest and assetrtive to be a better, happier person... and her husband simply is not willing to deal with those changes in her?  What if he married her because she was quiet and unassuming and compliant and that is the only type of woman he wants to be married to? 

I know that your intent was to be encouraging, but relationships are complicated.  Also, you have made it clear from your previous posts that you had your surgery only to cure your diabetes... not because you are obese or have a food addiction... so I would imagine that you really don't understand the myriad ways that being truly obese can affect one's personality and relationships.  Perhaps losing whatever amount of weight you need to lose will not change who you are, but for MANY people it will... and you just had surgery so you don't really know yet how it will or won't affect your relationship with your husband. 

Even some poeple who thuoght they had good marriages and who truly loved their spouses end up in divorce court.  It doesn't HAVE to happen that way, but, unfortunately, sometimes it does.

Lora

You are correct.  I've always been the "safe" wife.  Overweight, quiet, supportive, etc.  Now I think he feels that is threatened.  Our marriage has always been all about HIM and I think it scares him that it won't be in the future.

Although some poeple do react as the previous poster indicated, the changes within a marriage can be from EITHER spouse!  Some spouses become very jealous and insecure when their partner loses weight.  They fear that their spouse will no longer be satisfied with them... and in some cases that DOES become the situation.  I would suggest counseling so both you and your husband can work through the changes.  Often the marriage can survive, but it takes effort from both partners.

Lora

Yes Lora, maybe I havent been out of this surgery long enough to give a post on this. Didnt know they was a SPECIFIC timeline. And no matter what the reason was for my particular surgery, I have a right to post a comment and try to help others as well as you can or anyone else on here. I have noticed alot of citizim against me because Im not horrible overweight and had my surgery just cause im diabeic which is a serious condition. i dont take it lightly. I believe no matter what the situation, if you and your partner love each other and are in a solid relationship from the sstart these things wont seperate u. I am a christian and this is the way I believe.  wanted to let her know that theyre is hope. I also noticed I get alot of hate mail and responses from older vets out there. Yes I am a army wife, yes I get my surgery free, yes I am young and no I am not really overweight but, I am a human and a woman that cares about people reguardless of the situation and wish her the best...................................And u nor anyone else really knows these people either, so it just isnt me

I never said that you did not have a right to your opinions or that you have not been out of surgery long enough to opst.  What I did was to point out that you are basing your comments on your EXPECTATIONS for your own relationship (not your experience) and that, as someone who did NOT spend the majority of her life being obese, you simply don't have the understanding of how a lifetime of obesity affects personality and human interaction. 

If you believe that love and a "solid" pre-op relationship is enough, then that's fine... that's your opinion. MY opinion, however, -- and I have never sent any "hate mail" to anyone here, BTW-- is that your life experience is very different than that of most people who are here... so your opinion will be based on that different life experience.  No, I don't know her, either... I am basing my opinion on my own experiences and the people who are in my counseling office every week who also thought that love would be enough to keep a marriage together and then discovered otherwise (since love is rarely as unconditional as we would like it to be).

Lora

 I am a widow, but was married for 40 years.  I remember once when my husband said that I was no longer the girl he married. I said, "Thank you, I really appreciate you noticing".

He said, "I did not mean that as a compliment".

I said, "I know, but it is a compliment.  I did not do all of this education and work on myself to stay the girl that I was at 18."

If I had the chance to live my life over, there is one thing that I would try to do differently.  I would try to never say anything hurtful to my husband.  If I were in your shoes right now, I would take that man's hands, hug him tightly, apologize for every hurtful thing that I ever said and ask him for his help.  I would tell him that I love him and want him to be happy.  I would share your fear that he wants you to remain fat.  He will probably be shocked that you are thinking that.

Marriages have crisis points.  You are going through a crisis. It can make your marriage grow or it can kill your marriage.  If you feel that the marriage is worth saving, then you need to work at it.  You will be amazed by how much a man will give help and support once he knows he is needed and appreciated.

When you put it like that.....thank you.  I needed to hear that.