Darn you, WLS! *shakes fist*

Ok, let me start off by saying that I tend to be on the anti-social side, but I am not a psychopath.  People that know me already know the occasionally twisted sense of humor that I bring with me wherever I go.  That being said, I still have the occasional 'incident' where my sanity is called into question.

Case and Point:

I've lost a lot of weight since my surgery.  I'm still a big guy, but I'm not as much of a wide-load as I once was.  Being the prudent, thrifty, cheap, and generally lazy individual that I am, I have yet to update my wardrobe to match my now smaller stature.  Because of this, my pants are constantly in a state of droop.  I'm pulling them up, adjusting them, cursing their existence pretty much all of the time.  I had an unfortunate incident in the frozen food aisle at Wal-Mart recently.  No joke.  I was admiring the seafood selection when I noticed a breeze in my lower regions.  That's right.  My pants were down.  Luckily I was not seen by anyone.  I'd hate to be brought up on some kind of bizarre obscenity charge and have to explain why my pants were down in Wal-Mart.  And to the curious, yes, I was wearing underwear!  They are also falling off of me.  But there's no solution for that quagmire.  I did consider 'going commando', but such a thing should be illegal.  I am a firm believer that there should be as much protection as possible between myself and strange people's genitals . . . unless you're a hot female with loose morals. 

I'm digressing . . .

After the Wal-Mart incident, I decided to take matters into my own hands.  I was on my last belt loop.  And the irony of the situation is that 3 months ago, I was on my last belt loop the OTHER way.  Once again, my practical side kicked in.  Why buy a new belt when I can just create a new hole in this one?  At this point I should probably mention that I live in an apartment.  The amenities that you 'homeowners' can't live without simply aren't needed by me.  Lawn mowers, garden hoses, etc.  I also do not own a hammer.  Don't need one.  Why have one?  So I kept putting off this 'hole making' ceremony until I finally got off my duff and purchased or borrowed a hammer.

Last week, while sitting at work, I came up with the brilliant idea of making a new loophole without carpentry tools. Why not?  I'm a man.  I can do anything!  I removed by belt and laid it across the desk on top of a thick magazine . . . Cosmo, I think.  Don't ask me why I was reading Cosmo!  Unfortunately, the scissors we have here are the 'short bus' variety.  Seriously.  These things barely cut paper.  Safety Scissors!?!?  I guess they figured we'd all be running with them or worse, stabbing our Supervisors in the neck.  Then I tried a thumbtack, but my belt is made of a REALLY thick leather (how do cows wear this stuff???).  Then I remembered that I have a knife that I use as a letter opener.  I should explain a bit about the knife.  It's what's known as a 'Tactical Folder'.  Not huge, but not small by any means.  Serrated edge, one handed operation, all very high-tech and fearsome looking.  These kind of knives were designed for police officers, military types, and those that wish to kill silently.

I began by using the tip of the knife to 'drill' a new hole.  This worked up to a point.  I pressed harder, but the tip still wasn't getting all the way through to the other side.  So, I start stabbing the belt like a wigged Anthony Hopkins in Psycho.  Out of the corner of my eye, I see my Supervisor stopped in her tracks.  Now, me and my Super, Joy, have gotten along very well.  We've worked together for . . . going on 9 years.  She knows I'm a little wacky at times, but the look on her face was a mix of fascination and pure fear.  Can you imagine a ventriloquists dummy coming to life and slowly swiveling his head to look at you?  That's what I must have looked like to her.  She didn't say a word.  She just backed away extremely slowly and returned to wherever she came from.  I didn't even try to explain what I was doing or why.  I thought it was best to just let the moment dissolve.  Yes, I did eventually get a new hole in my belt.  But at what cost?  We’ve talked since then, but haven’t discussed it.  I believe she may have blocked out the entire incident like some kind of trauma.  I broke her brain.  I wonder if she has nightmares about it . . .

Damn you, WLS!!!!!  You've cursed me with tremendous weight loss and now you’re affecting those around me!!

Thanks for a good laugh to start the day! You wrote: "I'd hate to be brought up on some kind of bizarre obscenity charge and have to explain why my pants were down in Wal-Mart."  I'm thinking that that would be one of the less significant problems at some of the Wal-Marts I've been to!

LMAO. I went to grad school at Vanderbilt, so I have spent more than my fair share of time in the Nashville area Walmarts, and seeing you with your pants down in the frozen food aisle would NOT be the strangest sight I have ever seen there! Now, I can understand wanting to delay purchasing new pants and a new belt, but do yourself -- and the rest of Nashville -- a favor and buy some new underwear that fit before your next escapade lands you in jail!  Lora

Thanks for the laugh.  I was actually in a walmart in Nashville a couple of weeks ago, too bad I missed the pants down in the ice cream aisle hilarity. 

Daniel,  When you get around to finally exercising you can pick me up off the floor because I just fell off my chair laughing!  Sometimes the posts can get really serious (obvisously neccessary and so helpful) and your breath of fresh air is delightful.   I can't wait to hear about the next belt hole! Jodi

this is BY FAR the MOST HILARIOUS POST I HAVE EVER READ I AM IN TEARS !!!! Have you ever considered writing as a profession ??? "Confessions of the WLS "

That was rather amusing. I think I know your brother - he comes to my support group.... hes lost 250+ pounds and he is still wearing the same belt. *shakes head* it wraps around him two and a half times now or so. men!

You are so funny!!!! I would love a daily newsletter from you, you have great observations & the best way to describe a situation!! PLEASE keep posting! Ronda

Thanks for the laugh Daniel ... now please go buy one new pair of pants!

Maybe a set of bib overalls are needed for your trips out in public. (lol). Actually I've got a cousin who does that. Calls them his Redneck Formals -Iris.