In the end only kindness matters...

I posted this on another thread, but felt the need to share it here because I feel it is a larger issue that we can all work together to fix.

I just wanted to say that I used to be on this site 10 years ago and it felt like a completely different place. I've been considering a revision, but honestly got nervous to post because it felt like a place that used to be about inclusion and kindness, but had now turned into one more place where people judged overweight people.

As an outsider of this post, I was a bit surprised by the responses at first, and can see how the original author might have felt judged and was hurt by it. It almost feels like there is now a divide on this site between people whose weight loss surgeries have worked and those whose have not. Those whose surgeries have worked, seem to now be those people in the world who used to look at fat people and make assumptions, like they are just lazy, they don't care enough, they should just diet. Bottom line, that being fat was the person's own fault. Now add to that the knowledge that someone has already had WLS and you have a whole new bag of ammunition.

I just want to say that before you judge someone for a failed surgery, you may not want to just assume it was the person's fault because then you become those people, that I think most of us come here to get away from.

This forum is for revision surgery help, not diet shaming. These are just my two sense because I know a lot of people have commented on forums that people aren't responding as much, and I know I've been scared to respond because of the new negativity I've found here. I would just love for this site to go back to a place where people were just kind above all else.

It saddens me that so many posts now have to literally say, "please don't be mean in your comments, I'm sad enough..." When this place has become a site where people have to ask for kindness, something is wrong.

P.S. There are still a lot of amazing people here who are super supportive, and this doesn't apply to you at all.

This is so true, what a great post.

Thank you for your support! I don't think I'm going to be winning Prom Queen for this one ;)

An important part of support is realism and trying to help a person figure out what's going wrong. Most often, what's going wrong can't be remedied by a second surgery - because that "wrong" thing will still exist. It's not a facet of negativity to acknowledge that treating a symptom won't do anything to treat the problem, that's called honesty.

There are certainly people for whom revision is necessary. See: all the lap banders, VSGers with GERD, etc. But there are many for whom it is not necessary. See: those who have a fully functional tool with no medical complications.

This forum is for revision surgery help, not telling others how to post.

Except no one was mean on that thread, but the OP was hateful to everyone *****sponded.

A) This forum is about helping people in any way we can.

B) In the other thread, a person asked for specific advise, and people assumed she needed Diet advise. I don't think people had ill intentions at all, but it can come across as jugemental if someone is looking for specific advice and people go off topic and assume things.

C) Some responses have already proven my point.

D) I brought this up to just generate a discussion that might help people consider their words. Obviously, in the other thread somebody got really upset. I'm not that person, so I don't know exactly why, but I assume that wasn't everyone's intention. So, I just wonder how we might approach things differently in the future so people who are asking for help aren't hurt. None of us are perfect, and I just know that through this journey there are tough times, and I don't ever want to hurt anyone unintentionally in the process. So, I am sorry if my post hurt anyone. Not my intention. Just thought as a community, we could do better...

I'm not sure why you have such rosy memories of OH 10 years ago. Back then, people were not simply mean, but cruel! They would cut your heart out and scream until you ate it.

I find folks here are very supportive. They may not give you the information you want, but they will give you the information you need.

I'm so sorry you had a bad experience on this site before and I'm really glad it has gotten so much better for you. It just shows how everyone's experiences are different.