Sad today...

Just feeling sad today.  Weighed in for my 3 month of the 6 month "Dr. Supervised diet" to have another surgery -- 205 lbs  UGH.  I had a lapband installed April, 2007...very successful. Lost 110 lbs and kept it off....Ran support groups, did speaking engagements for my Dr's.....THEN, in November of 2010 it slipped, eroded into my stomach....and I had to have it taken out in an emergency surgery.  I didn't have insurance at the time, so I could not have a new one or a revision....  NOW, I have insurance and I'm going through the process again....I will have either a sleeve or bypass the End of September or in October. It will be almost 2 years since I lost my band.  Didn't think it would take this long or lose so much ground.

Of course, Ive gained weight....a lot.  Not up to where I started, but a good 65-70 lbs.  It's hard, having been there, felt like I finally made it, loving life, loving my body..free from diabetes and high blood pressure.  I know I should be grateful that I get to give it a go again.  But I feel cheated.  I look at my swolen sick body and am ashamed.  I know it's not my fault.  I succeeded.  My band failed.  My metabolism is screwed up....getting better, but it stinks. 

I fell in love with a wonderful man when I was slim.  I feel like I've cheated him.....lured him in with my skinny sexy self, caught him and then stuck him with a fat blob.... I know he doesn't feel that in any way....but it's hard not to let the lies come into my mind.

I WILL keep going.....make it to the surgery date and get slim again.  It's just that today i am sad.  Saw myself in the window walking by a store.  it's hard....it stinks.  I want to scream to the world "THIS IS NOT WHO I AM!"  "I AM A SLIM BEAUTIFUL WOMAN!"  I LIKED the freedom of not feeling like there was something wrong and shameful about me.  I LIKED  being able to walk into a regular clothing store and be able to buy anything I wanted...I LIKED feeling light and free....my knees and back were pain-free.  I LIKED not snoring.  I LIKED NOT taking medications. I LIKED the confidence I exuded

I know I'm going to get all that back.....Just having a little pity party today.....I'll be better tomorrow.....Just hate the reminder that I was cheated.....

Sharing the second journey,

Merrillee

I'm sorry. It's hard living is these bodies we don't recognize as slim or fat. I'm certain you will be back to a comfortable weight again, but it looks like it is a longer wait than you'd have liked. 

I like the idea of the sleeve too. A lot. Sounds like it may be perfect for you since the band worked so well already - well, till it didn't. I like the "set it and forget it"ness of the sleeve, without the fills and fuss, but think my metabolism is too far gone, so I'm shooting for a DS w/ Srikanth. 

I hope you get back to a comfortable spot soon, with or without surgery. 

I understand exactly your feelings about wanting to scream to the world that his not who you are.  Its so hard for people like us to have to go through the days in and out dealing with being in a body we felt was never meant for us.  I applaud your courage to go through another surgery and I wish you very much success with this time around, as I am sure you will be!  As for your man, I do not feel you should feel like you cheated because while yes, there was physical attraction there which helped you two become close, it was who you are as woman that has kept him around.  And for if some ridiculous reason he can't show this or embrace you while you go through such a hardest process in your life, than truly, he doesn't deserve you and God will send the one who does deserve you to you, regardless of your physical appearance.  I do not know you personally, but I'll keep you in my prayers and thoughts and good luck with everything!  Keep your chin up and remember all the great things to look forward to that will be coming your way soon enough!

 

Stupid band.  I really hope they stop banding people... though I guess there are some really successful bandsters out there.  I  feel for you BIG time.

 I suppose there is one good thing about gaining the weight.  Your insurance will probably cover the sleeve or bypass.  I'm losing my band and I have to pay for my new sleeve because my BMI is too low for my insurance.  It's a bummer all the way around.   

Thanks for the support....Hanging in there.  Three more months to go....
Yes, my insurance is going to pay for the procedure this time. I was self-pay the first time.

Merrillee