Thanks to Weight Loss Surgery.....
..... I can now.....
1. ...Assume the "Crash Position"
Previously, I was too darn fat to possibly survive an airplane crash.
Now, however, since I have successfully lost 140 pounds, I can
conveniently fold myself up with my head resting comfortably on my
knees, thereby being counted A SURVIVER, should I be on one of
those fateful airliners.
2. ...Continue to wear Queen-sized Pantyhose
Pantyhose manufacturers inadvertently CONTINUE to make the panty
portion of pantyhose a childrens' size 6X. I wore XXXQ when I was 315
pounds, and my workday face was continually a lovely shade of
"Asphyxiation-Blue". After losing 140 pounds, I can still fit into the 6X...
altho at this point my face is a more comforting bluish-tint...the legs are
embarassingly BAGGY.
3. ...Walk Comfortably Down the Aisle of a Bus
It was excruciating to successfully pass my Physical Performance Test
(PPT) for the school district I work for. As I had only 20 seconds to
unbuckle my seat belt, dislodge my pork-sausage body from the teensy
weensy driver's compartment, and speedily hasten my gait as I traversed
the 30+ foot hike to the back Emergency Exit, where I then had to open
the door and somehow lower my tonnage to a safe level where I then
had to jump to "SAFETY", my main concern was not getting to that point.
No, I had to explain to my husband where and how I received the mul-
tiple bruises on each hip from the constant barrage of hits I received
from the 20+ passenger seats that I beat myself up on just trying to make
it to the back door!!! Now, however, I can easily and quite gracefully
make it to the back in just 15 seconds without a lengthy stay in the ER.
And, I PASSED the test!
4. ...Properly Avoid Fainting!
As in the case of #1... when feeling lightheaded, faint, or otherwise just
plain dizzy, I can safely lower my head between my knees (while sitting,
you sillies!). Thus, I can avoid falling over from a fainting spell. When I
too fat, when I felt faint (it was usually because I was desiring another
Big Mac or Whole Pan-pizza), I had to risk major breaks of all the large app-
dages and also brain damage from the impact of hitting the floor. Now,
however, fainting, for me, is a BREEZE!
5. ...Shop for Sexy Lingerie
The sexiest my lingerie, in my former fat life, was... was a giant T-shirt
and some hand-me-down panties from Grandma. Woohoo. (And I
thought it was the TUBAL that kept me from getting pregnant!!!) Now
however, I can shop at either Victoria's Secret, Macy's, or even the
Junior section at Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, since I have lost so much
weight (for me), I am forced to utilize empty toilet paper cardboards... to
wrap my boobies around just to get 'em to fit into a bra. Ug. Is nothing
quite right anymore??? First, too fat. Now, too empty!
6. ...Get Pain-Free Mammograms
Speaking of Boobies (and I was.....) I had a mammogram last week. I
had my last one 5 years ago and swore I'd never do that PAINFUL thing
again. The boob-tech practically had to CLOSE ENTIRELY the boobie-
squishing-thing just to hold me in there. Ug.
Well, I hope that this enlightened and lightened someone's day..... I don't know why, but I am feeling a bit goofy today, and it's a FIRST for a LONG time.
Yours in Thinner Times......................
1. ...Assume the "Crash Position"
Previously, I was too darn fat to possibly survive an airplane crash.
Now, however, since I have successfully lost 140 pounds, I can
conveniently fold myself up with my head resting comfortably on my
knees, thereby being counted A SURVIVER, should I be on one of
those fateful airliners.
2. ...Continue to wear Queen-sized Pantyhose
Pantyhose manufacturers inadvertently CONTINUE to make the panty
portion of pantyhose a childrens' size 6X. I wore XXXQ when I was 315
pounds, and my workday face was continually a lovely shade of
"Asphyxiation-Blue". After losing 140 pounds, I can still fit into the 6X...
altho at this point my face is a more comforting bluish-tint...the legs are
embarassingly BAGGY.
3. ...Walk Comfortably Down the Aisle of a Bus
It was excruciating to successfully pass my Physical Performance Test
(PPT) for the school district I work for. As I had only 20 seconds to
unbuckle my seat belt, dislodge my pork-sausage body from the teensy
weensy driver's compartment, and speedily hasten my gait as I traversed
the 30+ foot hike to the back Emergency Exit, where I then had to open
the door and somehow lower my tonnage to a safe level where I then
had to jump to "SAFETY", my main concern was not getting to that point.
No, I had to explain to my husband where and how I received the mul-
tiple bruises on each hip from the constant barrage of hits I received
from the 20+ passenger seats that I beat myself up on just trying to make
it to the back door!!! Now, however, I can easily and quite gracefully
make it to the back in just 15 seconds without a lengthy stay in the ER.
And, I PASSED the test!
4. ...Properly Avoid Fainting!
As in the case of #1... when feeling lightheaded, faint, or otherwise just
plain dizzy, I can safely lower my head between my knees (while sitting,
you sillies!). Thus, I can avoid falling over from a fainting spell. When I
too fat, when I felt faint (it was usually because I was desiring another
Big Mac or Whole Pan-pizza), I had to risk major breaks of all the large app-
dages and also brain damage from the impact of hitting the floor. Now,
however, fainting, for me, is a BREEZE!
5. ...Shop for Sexy Lingerie
The sexiest my lingerie, in my former fat life, was... was a giant T-shirt
and some hand-me-down panties from Grandma. Woohoo. (And I
thought it was the TUBAL that kept me from getting pregnant!!!) Now
however, I can shop at either Victoria's Secret, Macy's, or even the
Junior section at Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, since I have lost so much
weight (for me), I am forced to utilize empty toilet paper cardboards... to
wrap my boobies around just to get 'em to fit into a bra. Ug. Is nothing
quite right anymore??? First, too fat. Now, too empty!
6. ...Get Pain-Free Mammograms
Speaking of Boobies (and I was.....) I had a mammogram last week. I
had my last one 5 years ago and swore I'd never do that PAINFUL thing
again. The boob-tech practically had to CLOSE ENTIRELY the boobie-
squishing-thing just to hold me in there. Ug.
Well, I hope that this enlightened and lightened someone's day..... I don't know why, but I am feeling a bit goofy today, and it's a FIRST for a LONG time.
Yours in Thinner Times......................
Your soooo funny. I recognize myself no end. I have also just reached my goalweight and feel that life is lighter in many ways- never mind the baggy, wrinkly pantyhose - I am quite capable of pulling off that look also without a pantyhose,
- I also had to shift my entire underware department when I all of a sudden saw my "bloomers" really look like bloomers. I had waited a bit too long with changing to smaller sizes, since all my money went to buying all sorts of other new clothes. Then I all of a sudden saw circustent like bloomers held up by the will of God only! Now .I've joined you in rushing to Victoria's secret and enjoying all the new things I never cold wear before. But, halas, I also have the big empty feeling... but luckily there's a lot of empty skin to squish together, so it still looks impressive once hoisted and harnessed into a padded bra. But poor boys: what you see ain't what you get.
But never mind! I am happy non the less!
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