My only sibling, my best friend, disagrees with WLS

Well, I knew my sister didn't agree with me having the Lap band.  So, I knew darned well, when I started researching a revision - I was gonna have a hard time telling her. 

First let me say, because she got to her goal weight with Weigh****chers and became a lifetime member last year - I should be able to also. 

Although I have said things about the DS here and there the last month or two - I never really asked her what she thought (I had an idea what she thought).  I got the nerve to come out and ask her this weekend what she thought about me having a revision WLS.  Her response..."I think it's stupid, but you better do something before you have a heart attack."  I think my jaw hit the floor, and all words immediatley disappeared from my vocabulary - they must've because there wasn't anything I could say! 

I later got the nerve to mention this to my mom - she also knew that I had been researching and had seen a new surgeon.  Apparently, my sister has talked to her about me lately.  My mom relayed to me that my sister is more worried about my current health than me actually having the surgery. And I know that she doesn't understand why I can't just go to Weigh****chers and get to goal like she did.

Although my mom usually supports me in EVERYTHING I do and have ever done - I get some bad vibes when this is discussed.  I'm pretty sure she doesn't want me to have revision WLS, but I don't know what else to do. 

My husband wouldn't say **** if he had a mouth full of it - I don't know nor will I ever know what his true feelings are.  He has driven me to both of my appointments with the revision surgeon so far (it's an 8 hour round trip).  So, he is very aware of my desires, and he does ask questions about what the doctor said and about the surgery itself, but never lets on what his thoughts are. 

I am the absolute heaviest I have ever been - even heavier than when I delivered either one of my kids!  I am 5'6" tall and weigh 242 pounds.  I feel horrible - physically and emotionally.

I guess I'm looking for support here, as it's pretty hard to come by at home.  

Any kind words, suggestions, etc. are welcome.  Let me know what you think and/or if you've been through this with lack of support also.

Thanking you in advance,  Stephanie

Stephanie,
OMG your story sounds the same, i dont have a husband, but my sister went on this study diet thing and lost all her weight.  This pas  summer I looked into and got the ROSE procedure i was so hopeul, but it was a failure.  My mom drove me to those appointments 12  hrs round trip.  They have no idea of me looking into a new revision.  I have a 4 yr old son where i need thier hepl in watching him so I have to tell them.  I am scared to death to tell them.  My friends are worried about my health doing something else to my stomach its hard to explain.  They have no idea how many people have gone through this and are very critical. I am on here all the time.  Peace of mind that I'm not the only one.   Support meetings are a waste, those are full of new people and I dont want to scare them, or be embarassed that I am a failure with 2 tries....Were here for each other...
Michelle

Michelle -

Good to hear from you - yes, we will be here for each other.  It is such a hard thing for anyone who hasn't been "in our shoes" to understand.  And, it doesn't matter how much convincing I try to do or how many statistics and how much data I provide - they have decided that this is NOT a good idea.  

Has your family ever mentioned your success, or lack thereof, since your surgery?  My dad and sister get in "digs" whenever they can, but my mom is supportive, and my husband stands mute.  It's an obvious thing to those who know that we've had WLS, but haven't succeeded - it's not like we can pretend we've succeeded.  I totally understand your fear in breaking the news to them, and your embarassment  in not succeeding.  I can entirely identify with your feelings.

None of my friends know that I'm looking into a revision WLS.  It's not something I want to advertise, as I told the whole world that I was having the Lap-band - because I was sure it was gonna work and everybody would wonder how I got so skinny!  haha, jokes on me.

I actually read, somewhere, last week, that having WLS is not any riskier than any other surgery including back surgery - and I've had 3 of those.  So, that's my "pep talk" now, when talking to my kids and mom.

Anyhow, good luck to you - I'll be thinking of you.  Write me anytime - even PM, if you want.

Best Wishes -- Stephanie

Hi Stephanie,

I just had revision surgery from a 20 year old stomach stapling to a RNY last Tuesday.  When I told my folks about the surgery, their first reaction was , "what, again??".  But they support me in trying to live out my life the best, healthiest way possible.

Feeling out of snyc with the "near and dears" can be a painful experience.  It sounds like family is very important to you and you all are close.  It further sounds as if your husband is trying to be supportive of you in this matter.  That said - ask yourself why are you pursuing this revision and what is it that you want for yourself.  Once you know the answer to that for yourself  then you may feel stronger in dealing with the family about this issue.   Are you asking for their permission or are you telling them what what you hope to do?   Bottom line, you are the  person who has to live with the WLS.  Once you have the information you need and you [and hubby to an extent]  are okay with the medical risks involved -   You have to be willing to do it even in the face of other's disapproval - otherwise, the naysayers become the reason you didn't do what you needed to do for yourself - that only causes resentment all around.

It sounds like your family does love you - sometimes a trick of mediation is to move past what you don't agree upon to what you do agree with.  What I mean is this, Your mom and sister don't necessary agree with your choice but can agree that they love you and want you to be at your healthiest and happiest.  What you all don't agree on is merely the means of getting there.

Remember what you do agree about in dealing with what you don't.

The people in my life have a "wait and see" attitude.  They've been on the yo-yo ride with me before.  They've seen me lose and gain back incredible amounts of weight.  It hurts a little but I know that they love me and that I'm doing this for me - not them.  I also know that the consequences of my actions will be mine - so too the successes.  I'm treating  my revision as an act of love for me to me.

Peace,

Rhonda

Best wishes,

Rhonda

Wait a minute here.... time out!!

GET OUT OF MY HEAD AND QUIT TELLING MY STORY!!! HA!  Just kidding!  But OMG does this sound familiar!

Only I don't have sibling that would say something like that to me...know why?  Because I don't give them the opportunity!  I don't ask.

Oh, and I have a BF, not hubby (but probably should have become hubby years ago!).  My BF just tells me to do whatever I want.  All he's concerned about is 1) loosing me and 2) me loosing my boobs! HA!  Yeah, he's a boob..........I mean boob guy.

I'm all with ya about revision to the DS.  It's a very serious surgery, especially when it's a revision.  A bit more riskier than a virgin DS.  HOWEVER....you may be @ my weight (290ish @ 5'6") in a few months or years (I'm 38 btw).

I've been on WW for over a year now.  Have lost 13, and gained 16.  Nice huh? 

I applaud people BIG TIME that can do WW and live that way.  I just can't do it.

Just know that you have all the support in the world here.  And you feel free to PM me any time you want or need.  If you want, I'll give you my regular email addy, it's faster that way.

You know that you can post over on the DS board...right?  We are a feisty but loyal and loving bunch. 

Also, my mom too is very supportive.  She's supporting me with this too, however, I know she's scared ****less for me.  She doesn't say it, but I know my mom.  And my dad, he's terrified he will loose me (hell, he an mom had 2 stinking BOYS trying to get me!! )  Yes, I'm the baby and only girl!  So yes, I'm spoiled ROTTEN.

So from experience (even though I don't know you or your mom) if she's always been supportive, don't take the vibes as here being bad....just being worried.  Educate here, send her to www.dsfacts.com and let her read...or do what I did, print out everything on DSFacts, and give it to her to read.  Comfort comes with knowledge.  Give that to her.

Ok, I'll get off my soapbox now...

I think people that have never really had the type of weight issues we have can relate to the torment we go through especially after having on failed attempt at WLS.  I remember when I joined forums after my lapband to find out why mine wasn't working I ended up feeling more like a failure.  They basically told me to stick to a diet like Weigh****chers, eat less, exercise more, blah, blah blah.   First of all on Weigh****chers prior to the lap band I could eat chicken breast but that was beside the point.  I thought the whole point of WLS was not having to go on a diet!  The whole thing just got very crazy.  Finally my band was removed and only those that failed at the band or another WLS can empathize with the whole journey.

When it comes to my family my sister has always been fairly thin compared to me and my brothers always thin.  Sometimes I get the impression that they think I'm a walking heart attack at 240+ and that having the surgery is drastic but still better than being a walking heart attack.  It's just our American culture, fat=bad.  My husband is not the controlling type and will let me make my own choices which is good and bad sometimes.  I'm still going over all the reasons why I want to revise and it took me a few months after the removal to even consider it.  Sometimes though I'd have to admit that I wish someone I shared the revision with would say "don't do it, it's not worth the risk of losing you!"  OK so far that hasn't happened but it's how I feel sometimes.  PMSng, brandyII.

Much of your post sounds familiar.

If WW and diets worked long term, then there wouldn't be a 98% regain rate for people who drop a lot of weight w/o WLS. I spent years proving this to myself. I only gained more in the long run.

While I didn't want to be selfish, or hurt or scare my loved ones, I knew I needed the DS to save my life. And it IS MY LIFE, not theirs. The only ones that were entirely negative about it, were the most ignorant about the surgery. The ones who learned about it with me, came to a happy understanding with me. Now ALL of them agree it is the best thing I've ever done, and are finally 100% supportive.

Stephanie:
Are you doing the surgery for you or your sister?
My 18 month older sister was not supportive at all when I has gastric bypass in 2002 and to this day and 128 pounds later, she has never commented on my weight loss. But boy is she ready to comment when I had a complication 30 days out, and when I had no choice but to do some steroids 3 years out and gained 12 pounds, which I finally lost. I'm so over that. I did it for me, my health and my hope to see my only child grow into adulthood. The women in my family die an early death due to obesity, then the diabetes, the hypertension and so on....

I decided I was going to try and break that cycle of dying early versus sitting around talking about how doomed the family was. I'm sure she is concerned about losing you andmay not know how to expressherself appropriately. Pull her aside and tell her your feelings and see what she tells you. If she can't deal with it...she can't. Roll on girl...

Thank you all so much for your support and kind words.  I appreciate the honesty and reality.  I cannot, absolutely positively cannot, go on like I am right now - I have GOT to lose weight, and a lot of it.  I honestly feel like I have no choice but to get a WLS revision - and I am becoming more sure each and every day that the DS is the choice for me.

Thanks again and Best Regards to All,
Stephanie