living in the moment..loving yourself.. not letting your weight be an excuse
I remember when I was 18 and went to Egypt. I have very few photos of myself from that trip as I was ashamed of my weight and instead came home with tons of photos of landmarks and landscapes. Are those photos lovely, well, yes but I would love to be able to look at photos of myself in those landscapes. I would love to have photos of myself from high school to show my daughter. I have tons of photos of my friends, some that I actually still keep in touch with, but almost none of myself. I have two photos of my first adult trip to Las Vegas in which I am actually in them. I spent an obscene amount of money for clothing just for that trip because my then boyfriend (a man 15 years older than myself) wined and dined me the whole trip and I wanted to look good. I was the thinnest I have ever been in my adult life (this was after I had completed a 6 month liquid fast) and had a killer wardrobe yet I still thought I was going to loose 10 more pounds and look better so I didn't want photos taken of myself. I look at those two photos now and think I must have been blind! I was wearing a size 6 and I am 5'9". True, that is still considered hippo sizes by Hollywood starlet standards but I am not even a size six now after weight loss surgery!
I always swore that I wasn't going to be one of those people that let their weight hold them back from living the life that they wanted to live. I told myself that I wouldn't allow my size to become an excuse not to do things that might be a little uncomfortable because they might put me in the spotlight, be physically demanding, be challenging, or just plain be a little scary or new. I really believed that till I had this surgery and started to look back over my photos.
It seems I did do many things that were challenging and even adventurous, I just wasn't brave enough to allow myself to be photographed while doing them.
I was too busy worrying about how bad my weight would look to relax enough to allow myself to be comfortable in my own skin. I was always looking forward to the time when I would be thin enough to be on one of these trips and actually felt good enough about my appearance to be photographed. I'm not saying that I didn't have fun and enjoy myself, I did. I just don't have very many photos of myself to show it.
This is even true of my Honeymoon. I was so worried about how bad I looked in my swimsuits. I kept reading in all the Bridal Magazines about Bridal Anorexia. I secretly hoped it would affect me. It didn't.
I look back even at my childhood photos and realize that after age 12, I started to disappear from vacation and family gatherings. I know I was there but it's really hard to find any photographic evidence of it.
I realize only now that I was never living in the present. No matter how much fun or how exciting my adventures may have been, in my heart, I was always wishing I was thinner. I was never allowing myself to relax and just live in the moment and accept myself for who I was. I was letting my size affect me even at what were suppose to be the happiest times of my life. I wonder now what other things did I allow myself to miss out on because I was so preoccupied with my weight. Prior to having had this surgery, would have argued with anyone that would have told me that I had been allowing my weight to hold me back from doing anything. Now I know different.
Since realizing this, I am trying to change this but it is hard. I am so close to my goal weight yet I still find myself thinking things like, I will wait till I am at goal weight before I buy that outfit, I will wait till I have lost another 10 pounds before we take a family portrait, I will wait till I have firmed and toned more before we take any beach vacations, etc etc. I still find myself doing it after having lost over a 100 pounds! How sad is that.
I need to learn to live in the moment, accept myself for who I am right now. I need to love my body as it is this second,even if it isn't a size 6 body. I need to learn to enjoy life at my current size and stop putting off doing things till I am that mythical perfect size and weight where I feel good enough to be photographed enjoying myself. I need to realize that until I accept who I am today, right now, this minute, and love myself flaws and all...no weight or size will ever be good enough.
I always swore that I wasn't going to be one of those people that let their weight hold them back from living the life that they wanted to live. I told myself that I wouldn't allow my size to become an excuse not to do things that might be a little uncomfortable because they might put me in the spotlight, be physically demanding, be challenging, or just plain be a little scary or new. I really believed that till I had this surgery and started to look back over my photos.
It seems I did do many things that were challenging and even adventurous, I just wasn't brave enough to allow myself to be photographed while doing them.
I was too busy worrying about how bad my weight would look to relax enough to allow myself to be comfortable in my own skin. I was always looking forward to the time when I would be thin enough to be on one of these trips and actually felt good enough about my appearance to be photographed. I'm not saying that I didn't have fun and enjoy myself, I did. I just don't have very many photos of myself to show it.
This is even true of my Honeymoon. I was so worried about how bad I looked in my swimsuits. I kept reading in all the Bridal Magazines about Bridal Anorexia. I secretly hoped it would affect me. It didn't.
I look back even at my childhood photos and realize that after age 12, I started to disappear from vacation and family gatherings. I know I was there but it's really hard to find any photographic evidence of it.
I realize only now that I was never living in the present. No matter how much fun or how exciting my adventures may have been, in my heart, I was always wishing I was thinner. I was never allowing myself to relax and just live in the moment and accept myself for who I was. I was letting my size affect me even at what were suppose to be the happiest times of my life. I wonder now what other things did I allow myself to miss out on because I was so preoccupied with my weight. Prior to having had this surgery, would have argued with anyone that would have told me that I had been allowing my weight to hold me back from doing anything. Now I know different.
Since realizing this, I am trying to change this but it is hard. I am so close to my goal weight yet I still find myself thinking things like, I will wait till I am at goal weight before I buy that outfit, I will wait till I have lost another 10 pounds before we take a family portrait, I will wait till I have firmed and toned more before we take any beach vacations, etc etc. I still find myself doing it after having lost over a 100 pounds! How sad is that.
I need to learn to live in the moment, accept myself for who I am right now. I need to love my body as it is this second,even if it isn't a size 6 body. I need to learn to enjoy life at my current size and stop putting off doing things till I am that mythical perfect size and weight where I feel good enough to be photographed enjoying myself. I need to realize that until I accept who I am today, right now, this minute, and love myself flaws and all...no weight or size will ever be good enough.
(deactivated member)
on 11/16/08 4:40 am
on 11/16/08 4:40 am
Hello LuvSexy,
I began living in the present over a 2 years ago. One of the things I have let go of is competion and comparing. I grew up as the youngest of a large family, mostly girls. They were always on diets and always commenting on baby sisters weight. My mom was the same also. Up and down. At the age of 37, all in one month I had some major issues happen. I had a falling out with my sisters. I was engaged to my boyfriend of 6 years and planning a date. He decided marriage was not for him. It took alot of prayers and action on my part to heal my heart. I hadn't been taking my prozac on a regualar basis. I got back on it. I also let go of the spirt of competion. One of my sisters called me after I got my approved for my band. Said she was getting it done and was going to this great doc and baraitric center. She began pointing out the differences in I was going and where she was going. At that momemt, I knew this was childhood competion kicking in. I just kindly told her I was happy for her. I was broke record over and over again. She backed down when she saw I wasn't going to argue with her over who had the "best" bariactric doc/center. I was sitting in my favorite resturant at that time and patted myself on the back. People probaly thought I was crazy, but that was a break through. I shared it with my new therapsist at our next session. Whenever I see myself comparing my body to someone else at work or out in public, I tell myself, I am wonderfully and beautifully made by God. Only we have the power to break free from low body selfesteem. I am not hungup on hollywood. I am hungup on my life and how it will be better after I get the weight off. Weight does stop us from enjoying things such as riding a horse, sitting in a bumper car or amusement park ride etc. NO denying that. But there are other things we need to focus on besides our weight. By doing that, I have a fuller, well rounded healthier life. I am not stressed out all the time about my weight any more and not allowing the scale dicate my happiness. Life is very short, we must make it work for us.
Sally J.
I began living in the present over a 2 years ago. One of the things I have let go of is competion and comparing. I grew up as the youngest of a large family, mostly girls. They were always on diets and always commenting on baby sisters weight. My mom was the same also. Up and down. At the age of 37, all in one month I had some major issues happen. I had a falling out with my sisters. I was engaged to my boyfriend of 6 years and planning a date. He decided marriage was not for him. It took alot of prayers and action on my part to heal my heart. I hadn't been taking my prozac on a regualar basis. I got back on it. I also let go of the spirt of competion. One of my sisters called me after I got my approved for my band. Said she was getting it done and was going to this great doc and baraitric center. She began pointing out the differences in I was going and where she was going. At that momemt, I knew this was childhood competion kicking in. I just kindly told her I was happy for her. I was broke record over and over again. She backed down when she saw I wasn't going to argue with her over who had the "best" bariactric doc/center. I was sitting in my favorite resturant at that time and patted myself on the back. People probaly thought I was crazy, but that was a break through. I shared it with my new therapsist at our next session. Whenever I see myself comparing my body to someone else at work or out in public, I tell myself, I am wonderfully and beautifully made by God. Only we have the power to break free from low body selfesteem. I am not hungup on hollywood. I am hungup on my life and how it will be better after I get the weight off. Weight does stop us from enjoying things such as riding a horse, sitting in a bumper car or amusement park ride etc. NO denying that. But there are other things we need to focus on besides our weight. By doing that, I have a fuller, well rounded healthier life. I am not stressed out all the time about my weight any more and not allowing the scale dicate my happiness. Life is very short, we must make it work for us.
Sally J.
Most Active
Recent Topics
