I feel like I let myself and everyone else down...

I am just needing to vent, I hope no one minds.

I've been trying so hard to be positive about the fact I needed a revision for my failure, and some days I actually can convince myself that its all ok.... but, in all honesty, it really isn't. 

I've struggled with my weight since I was a child (many issues there) and my friends and family have wanted me to have the surgery since I was 19... but I never wanted to do that, because surgery would mean that I had lost control and that I was really the failure I always felt I was.  I tried so many things to lose weight on my own, all resulting in total failure.  So, after years of everyone continuing to beg and plead with me, including my doctors, I gave in and had the surgery. 

I didn't want it then, and I never took anything about it seriously... even after the weight began to fall off and I started feeling better... call it stupidity or stubbornness of a young adult, I don't know.  But, I hardly ever exercised and just took it all for granted and when I hit my plateau, I figured that was all I was going to lose and sort of gave up.  I did try a few times to do the right things, ate how I was supposed to and tried to exercise.... but nothing would make the pounds move.  Then for many reasons, I went through 2 years of major depression (in that time losing my precious baby due to miscarriage), which I am still struggling with to overcome. My mother died in March of this year, so that really isn't helping either.  I avoided all my doctors and didn't seek any help for my depression. 

Everyone was so proud of me and my weight loss, I felt good that I was making them happy.  But when I hit the plateau, everyone seemed to give up on me, and now that I gained 50 pounds back, everyone seems disgusted with me.  I wish to God I took my surgery more serious, I wish I could do it all over again, NOW that I am actually ready and willing to accept the lifestyle changes and put my tool to proper work.  I wasn't ready then and now its too late.  I am scared to death I will never get under 300 pounds, right now I am 400 and it makes me SICK!!!!!!!

I know the procedure I had done this month is going to help take a little bit off, my doctor says he believes it will help me lose quite a lot.... but I am so scared it won't.  I've lost 5 pounds already, but nothing will be as fast as the first two years after my RN-Y, and I want that kind of weight loss back!  I know I've ruined my chance to be "skinny" and I am so angry at myself for being so stupid or stubborn to blow the wonderful chance I had to get there!  My pouch is stretched to 15 cc's and its supposed to be between 4 & 5 cc's.  My doctor says he has seen "much, much worse", but to me, I feel doomed to be OBESE forever.  Although right now, I would rather be obese, then "super morbidly obese".   

Does anyone on here feel like a complete failure about the fact you had to have a revision? I am so frustrated with myself, and I know my family and friends are disappointed with me. I am trying hard to make my revision work this time, I am giving it all I got.... but what if it doesn't work?  What if I've really blown my shot at being "skinny" and healthy?  I am so scared!!!

There has to be others out there that relate to these feelings I have..... I am not looking for pity or sympathy, as I know this is all my fault, due to my bad choices.  I just really need to know that its "normal" to be angry at myself and feel disappointed and frustrated and disgusted that I had to have a revision, because I failed my surgery. 

ButterFly, first can I just say that you need to give yourself a break.  We are all just human and make mistakes.  Secondly give yourself credit for what you have accomplished.  You did lose over 250lbs, thats more than me..all of me, you lost two whole people.  And you gained back some but your loss is still over 200lbs, close to me again. 

A problem for all of us is that we know what we should be doing but we don't for various reasons, sometimes perfectly understandable reasons.  Like exercise, I have been bad about exercise too, I know I should be doing it but I have an autoimmune disease, when I get home from work, I want to take a nap, I give myself a pat on the back if I can cook my dinner, ea****ch a bit of TV and stay awake until after nine, now think about adding exercise.  Well if I went for a walk it might make me feel better, would help with the depression etc but I make excuses, I'm just exhausted. 

Yes and I should not eat sweets, I have a lapband with basically no fill so I can still do that at this point I can pretty much eat anything.  I hope with RNY that will go away, sure I will still want them but won't be able to eat them.  Ok, again a pat on the back because I am not eating pizza or bread or pasta even though I could right now. 

I am not saying you shouldn't feel bad that you were not as successful as you wanted to be.  But be kind to yourself, if you won't who will be.  Work toward your next set of goals.  Assume that they will work, set realistic goals, maybe you won't ever be 150lbs but you could be 225.  Try to walk even if only for a few minutes.  I think I'll try walking some at lunch when I have a bit more energy.  And what ever you do, smile, makes everyone feel better.  Smile lots, Ellen

Butterfly - please take care of yourself.  I'm sorry about your mom.  I had RNY 5 years ago - lost 170 lb and gained 50 of it back.  I never told anyone at work that I had it (other than my boss) because I felt like a failure even then - that I had to rely on surgery to lose the weight and couldn't do it on my own.  But after so many years of trying every diet out their I just was desperate to lose the weight so I had the surgery.  Now gaining the weight I feel like such a failure - or I should say I did feel like a failure until I started reading the posts here on OH.  So many people are in the same boat.  In part, it's the procedure itself - I, among others, have a mechanical failure (for me my stoma is stretched real big) - everything you read says there is weight gain after 3-5 years.  But then I also read a post by Dr. Schlesinger - the ABC's of Revisions and in the intro he states everyone deserves a 2nd chance and that we're not failures.  I cried when I read it and am in fact travelling to AZ to have him do my revision.  Stop beating yourself up.  The next time around you'll be prepared to help yourself - won't take the loss for granted.  After my surgery for 3 years I followed everything precisely - then for the past 2 years I just  started gaining - went back to my original bypass doctor and he laughed me out of his office and said he doesn't believe in revisions.  No matter what I did I was slowly gaining so I just said the heck w/it and didn't try, stopped exercising - and now am up 50 lbs.  But when I get my 2nd chance I will eat right and exercise - and be in a different mindset.  And just knowing Dr. S and everyone here on OH will be here to help me makes me know I will succeed.  Take one day at a time - and stop thinking about everyone perhaps being disappointed in you!  You're doing it for you - to make YOU feel better about yourself and be healthy!!  Your 2nd chance will come - keep the faith.  It may come off slow this 2nd time around but you'll get there!!  You will!!

Hello everyone. I am new to this site but I had WLS in September 2003. Was 325 lbs and lost 125 lbs in 6 months. Then BAM! It was like exactly 6 months to the date I had surgery when the weight stopped falling off. In the last year now I have gained almost 25 lbs back. I have done everything to lose more weight, it's just not happening. I'm curious about revision surgery. I had the RNY procedure...what are my best options to explore? And does insurance cover revisions? I am sooo relating to these recent posters about feeling like such a FAILURE. I have been fat all my life and I envy the before and after photos of those who started out around my size and who have lost all or mostly all of their excess weight. I listened to the docs and ate only what I was supposed to all these years after, but now my body is gaining and I don't know why. I haven't gone back to my OWLS, I guess I've been too disappointed in myself and am afraid he will chastise me. Any advice will be so appreciated!

Repost this as a new post sweety and you'll get more replies!

Sal

Thank you both so much for your helpful replies.  I do feel better knowing I am not alone.  I do tend to be way too hard on myself, always have.  For instance, I wasn't able to get my walk in today because I am running a fever and feel like crap, and I am frustrated at myself over being too weak to take a walk.  Too funny right!  I am feeling a bit better then when I wrote that earlier.  Its been weighing on my mind for a while now and I just needed to get it out.  Its just good to know I am not alone! 

I just don't know why I didn't take it more serious the first time around.... but, I am going to make this second chance all I can!  I want to lose 100 pounds.... I am so desperate to be UNDER 300 pounds, I would LOVE to be at 250.  My goal right now, get back to 350 and then get to 299!!!

Right now I have to get over this fever, I SO hate being sick! 

BTW - My name is Keria. 

Keria,

I understand your feelings.  I am not RNY but my daughter is, I am lap band and used it as my "last resort" to lose weight again.  Have some issues that made losing on my own difficult like meds etc..and age.

I didn't even want to lose a lot just get to 200 lbs and I would have been happy but instead of losing on the band I started gaining the weight I lost on the pre-op diet.   Of course along with that came a lot of stress and that was only months after my surgery.

I had expectations of the band that pretty much fell through.  I did learn one thing while on this one year post-op frustration that I'm more than a number on a scale.  My self esteem became the worse it has ever been because of the "failure" of not losing on the lap band.  It was so silly if you think about it.  I've read some books about sizism and about self esteem and they have helped me get through this somehow.  It's very rare to find people in WLS forums who can totally relate as most people who fail get revisions so in some respect most people do not know how to react when I say I don't want one.  Physically now I am having some problems that may be band related and am hoping to have it removed sometime in the future.

Good luck to you and try not to be so hard on yourself.  I think that's one thing that most of us have in common is how we feel about ourselves when it comes to weight matters.  brandyII.

'I needed a revision for my failure'

Keria, lovey, what rubbish! You needed revision because your pouch, like many other pouches before and after yours, has got bigger. We are given man-made adaptations to our insides, and these aren't perfect, they break. You are having this fixed, and it seems to be working - proof that you could have gone on losing weight if your pouch had behaved itself the first time.

If this revision doesn't get you to 'skinny' there are other options like ERNY and DS. Surgery isn't the easy way out people think it is, it can also be a long and hard journey.

Its not normal to be so angry at yourself - natural perhaps to blame ourselves, since we have been blamed for our size all our lives. But the more you read about medicine and doctors, the more you see they are fumbling around in the dark just doing their best. Sometimes they fail you, and we are in that group of people who have been failed.

You might want to see your PCP for help with depression - you have so much going on in your life and your head, don't be afraid to ask for help.

Sal

HUGS to you all, you are such wonderful people!!! 

You guys have really helped me more then you know, thank you!!!  I am glad that I found this place.  Its just so helpful to know that we are not alone in this battle!  That there are others out there struggling with the same things, thoughts and emotions.  Though I wish non of us had to be on the revision board, that we could all be on the SKINNY board yakking it up about our cute new bodies and clothes!  Oh well, one day maybe with the help of each other, we will all be there yet!

There's a skinny board????