I need advice from Bandsters...

Hi Fellow OHers and Bandsters!
My name is Connie and I had RNY surgery on 05-05-09. My best friend had a Realize band the month before. Initially we were going to do the band together but when we saw the surgeon, he recommended RNY for me because of the comorbidities. I had cirrhosis (fatty liver), diabetes (insulin and pills), high blood pressure and a host of other problems. My friend and I were about the same weight...around 280. She was very angry with me for considering RNY. I work my tool very well and as a result, I now weigh 192...the lowest I have ever weighed as an adult, my middle school weight. My friend refuses to comply with band rules. She always drinks when she eats, she constantly eats food that makes her vomit or gets stuck. She eats whatever she wants.  She has barely lost 20 pounds and that was initially. She calls me obsessive but really, I just follow the rules. I have never vomited or had any issues. All my test results are good...liver and kidneys are normal and I take no meds. I guess I'm just looking for advice from my band friends. My best friend says I betrayed her friendship by chosing RNY but I just wanted to save my life. I love my friend and I'm proud of her. I try to gently guide and help...never judge her. She is still so angry with me and I can't talk to her about my weight loss or anything positive...she says, "I don't want to hear it". Sorry this is so long...any suggestions? If I was wrong, just tell me...I told her I was sorry and would do anything to support her....    Connie

You did nothing wrong.  You chose what surgery was best for you.  You need to think of your well being.  I think a lot of your friend's sour grapes is jealousy.   You are losing weight and she isn't.  Obviously, because she isn't following the rules.  That said she has to know even following all of the rules she will not lose weight at the same rate as some one that had RNY.  It can be very frustrating being a bandster.  We have to wait for the fills to start kicking in and sometime the wait can take months.  I have had 5 fills and now feel like I am getting some good restriction.  Maybe she just has to wait for the right fill but in the mean time she needs to start getting back to the rules.  I'm sure if she got the right amount of fill and started to follow the band rules she will catch up to you evetually.  She just needs some encouragement.   

That is too bad that this is causing problems with your friendship. I had surgery the same day as one of my close friends in May and she had the Vertical Gastrectomy. We were both going to get the band but she didn't want to have to deal with getting fills.  She has lost 50 more pounds than me so she is much smaller than me now as I've only lost 25 so far. It was hard for me at first to see how quickly she lost but I was still so happy for her and how great she looked. It took me a while to understand that my surgery is much different and takes more time and patience in the beginning.  Not until my 3rd fill did I feel restriction and actually started to lose at a good rate.  Hopefully she can at some point be happy for you. Even if you had got the band as well it sounds like she would probably feel the same way as you follow the guidelines and she doesn't.  I think I had a hard time too as I didn't  know anyone who had a band...only RNY or VG. But after I got on the message board and could read what others were going thru and could ask questions, that really helped me alot. I hope your friend is able to work thru her problems and can see you has a huge support. Good luck and take care!

Thank you both for the kind words. We both realize the rate of loss would be very different but I don't see her trying. I changed my eating habits. I eat a lot of beans, fish, cottage cheese, greek yogurt and fruits/veggies. She still eats pizza (2-3 slices), burgers and fries, cookies, spaghetti with pepperoni. I have made her veggie soup to kind of fill up on so she can eat smaller amounts of something she does like. I buy protein bars she likes for her.  I wish I could help more. I want her to be as happy as I am. Thank you for your encouraging words. I really think she is angrier with herself for not following the rules than she is with me.     Connie

Connie,

 

You did right for you!! No one can tell you differently. The reason your friend is angry is because of your success. And it’s because you follow the rules!!
 

Even if you both had the same operation, the result probably would be similar because you follow the rules, and your friend doesn't.

Neither operation is a guarantee you will lose weight and/or be successful – unless you follow the rules. Any good Doctor will tell their patience that before they even consider an operation.

 

The only advice I have for you is be more patient with your friend. Tell them to come to the boards for help/advice. Offer to go to the Doctors, Nutritionists,  etc with them to see how you both can help make them more successful. If they don’t want to, then there is nothing more you can do. Remember, you and lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink their allotted 64 ounces !!

 

Know we’re here for YOU and YOUR FRIEND !!

 

Keep us posted !!

Thank you Tom!
I support my friend any way I can. I buy protein bars for her, I cook appropriate meals and bring them to work. Sometimes she still refuses to eat what I bring, she says she's"not in the mood". I wish she wasn't so angry. I know she's hurting but she says she's not! I try to get her to come here and talk with all of you. She says..."I don't need them". Again, I thank you all!!   Connie

Well the last thing I can suggest is PM message me, and I will send you my contact number information - and maybe your friend would be willing to talk to a band person.

If not, just keep doing what you're doing. One day she'll either accept your help, or tell you to ef off (that's eject friend ;D). Either way, you'll know you did your best, and never have a regret what you tried.

You are a GREAT FRIEND. I wish you WERE MINE :D !!

Your friend is not hurting anyone but herself by being so wrapped up in the sickness she has.  What you need to remember is that you are responsible only for yourself, and what other people think of you is none of your business.  If you allow her to play with her emotions, she will continue to drag you down and your sense of guilt may become overwhelming.  If you feel so compelled, you might have a short talk with her to tell her how her behavior is affecting you, but, if she has not learned empathy thus far in her life, you will not get very far.  For certain you should stop allowing her to lean on you in an unhealthy way.  Do not cook special meals for her which are just a pathway for her to rub salt in the wounds. Something I tell my girls all the time is that they are good friends but that does not mean that everyone they try to befriend is worthy of their friendship.  It may be that your emotional well being will be better without this "friend" in the depths of your life.  I do suspect that she will come to realize what a good friend you have been, but friendship is a two way street and you need to make sure that you are getting as well as giving!
I wish you strength as you work through this with your friend-do what feels right and healthy to you!

Thank you all for your help and support. I will not give up on my friend of 15 years at his point. I know she is hurting because I'm so successful. Tom, you are very nice to offer to speak with her but at this time she will not even go to the support groups with me 1 time a month. I see you're from New Jersey....me too...sort-of! I was born in Ft. Dix so I really only lived there a few weeks....Dad had orders for Hawaii. I still claim NJ!!    Connie

Connie,

It sounds like, despite your best efforts to help her, she is likely jealous of your success.  It is difficult to watch someone close to you lose so much weight when that is exactly what you are trying to do, too.  In fact, your success may be causing her to feel like a failure and then disregard the rules even more.  I wish there was some advice that I could give you, but really the only thing that you can do is try to support your friend as much as possible and hope that she realizes herself what she needs to do to be successful.

Take care.