Hi girls :)
I kinda wandered away from the board for a while, I guess I just needed a break.
Just a little background on me:
4 years trying to conceive
POCS diagnosed in January 2013
Clomid x 7 months
Femara x 1 month
IUI x 1
Anyway I took your good advise and asked about Femara and I started it last month. after 7 months on Clomid. I had good results with 3 good sized follicles 24,22, and 18 so lots of potential there. I was in the last few days of my two week wait last week and I began to spot....this has never happened to be before! I was 12 days post ovulation and on cycle day 24 my heart did cartwheels because I thought it was implantation bleeding. I went home super excited to tell my husband what was happening.....and then I did the worst thing I could have possibly done.....I let myself believe it...I thought of names, colors to pain the room, buying a little rocking chair I had seen in a second hand store last week, telling my mom.. and I enjoyed every second of those day dreams.....And then Friday showed up and I was still on cloud 9 couldn't wait until my tww was up on Sunday so I could take a pregnancy test.
That "spotting" got awful heavy on Friday and I just new it I knew it was my period....in a moment of denial and desperation I called my doctor and asked for a blood pregnancy test..as I was not willing to accept the truth, She kindly and intelligently informed me that this was most likely my period and not implantation and that it was too early for a blood test. Well the flow got heavier as the day went on and I eventually accepted that I was out this month.
I am not exaggerating when I say that Friday may have been the worst day of my life. The heart break was crushing, I could barely speak to anyone, and to make things worse I was at work all day and I had an orientee with me (who probably thinks I am the biggest B on the face of the earth). No one at work knows I am doing any of this so I couldn't say anything to anyone, nor would I want to for fear that I would get asked about it all the time. I cried in the bathroom like 4 times and it was just a horrible day.
To ice my cake of misery, I had a family party to attend Friday night that I couldn't skip because I was bringing stuff and co-hosting it. So I went home after work and balled in my room for about 30 min, then I pulled myself together, got dressed, fixed my face up and went.
I am so glad I did, seeing my family made me realize what an AMAZING life I already have, full of people who love me regardless if I ever have a baby or not, they loved me at 300 pounds they love me now. My cousin was there with her 4 amazing kids and I played with them and held my baby cousin and I can't even tell you the healing that came over me. I took the kids home with me after the party (giving mom n dad a little break) And we had the best weekend! We went to the pet store, out for McDonald's and to the park. It was exactly what I needed.
If it is God's will to give me a child, it will happen, if it is not, that's ok because I already have more blessings than any woman could ever ask for.
Thanks for reading this, sometimes I think we all just need to pour our hearts out sometimes :)
RNY 1/29/08
Pre: BMI 47.6 wt 279
Current: BMI 24.9 wt 146
total pounds lost: 133