how do you deal with mother-in-laws?

 From the day i started dating her son this woman has disliked me. For years and years i felt like she thought i wasn't good enough because i was fat and she felt her son could do better. just my insecurities. but she has always passively aggressivly picked on me, done things to make me uncomfortable and sometimes even came right out and said rude things to me. once she smacked me upside the head in front of my own parents.

my husband is not very close with his mom. he knows she's a ***** she talks **** about everyone. especially her 3 sons' wives. her sons can do no wrong (that would reflect poorly on her parenting) even though 2 of them are violent alcoholics, and her daughters in law are to blame for everything. "its her fault for letting him drink". luckily i got the "good son". but she always finds something to say about me. she talks **** about my eating habits (which she knows NOTHING about). in fact i remember i was at home healing from WLS in pain and my husband had lunch with her and she was talking **** about what a bad eater i am. and how i eat junk food. FALSE. this woman is evil. she's a coplete control freak and hates anyone who gets in the way of her control. which means all the daughters in law. she's the kind of person who will try to take over something that's yours and if you say no thanks she gets very spiteful. 2 examples. 1. she offered to pay for our honeymoon but only if we went where she wanted us to go. of course we said no thanks and she never gave us anything for a gift. nor did she pay for anything wedding related. the cost feel on my parents and ourselves. 2. when my sister in law had a baby she took it upon herself to completely furnish the baby's room and bathroom. when my sister in law decided she didn't like the decor of the bathroom and changed it, my MIL got so upset she took back EVERYTHING including all the nursury furniture. oh here's yet another example of her spitefulness. she had a nice leather armchair she didn't want. but instead of giving it to her teenage grandson, she left it at the dump. why? because she still holds a grudge for something he said to her on a flight to NYC when he was a kid. something he doesn't even remember and she probably doesn't remember either. how can you be spiteful against your own grandson??? this woman is horrible.

she can't ever EVER be happy. the only joy in her life comes from decorating and redecorating her house (why she moves so much, just so she can decorate) and from talking **** about people. she's a miserable horrible person. when my husband goes to lunch with her she goes on and on relentlessly about me. and he just sits there and listens. which hurts me. why doesn't his tell her to shut up? i would never let my family talk **** about my husand in presence. but he says "there's no arguing with her, she'll never change, just ignore her".  now that i'm healthier she *****es about the fact that i don't work. she acts as if i'm supposed to be supporting her son. and then she complains about my sister in law who works because she should be at home with her kids. you get it? there's just NO winning. no matter what i do she would find something to complain about. she's found a way to circumvent me completely. she invites him to lunch. and now she has him bring my grandmother. and i know when the baby is born she's gonna expect him to come alone with the baby. OH HEEELLLLLL NO. dumb ***** if you think you're gonna even see your grandson you better show me some respect. this has been my stance forever. what upsets me is not only that he doesn't stick up for me but that he actually said "i'll just take the bbay to see her myself". i mean that was extremely hurtful. he used to be on my side. and now he seems to be leaning more towards her. i get that its his mom. i get that. but there's respect. she wants to act like that, fine. but there are consquences for your actions. i am the mother an dyou have to respect my wishes. if she wants to see my baby, she'll have to invite me over and treat me nicely. i don't care how fake it is. ughhh its just so unfair that i have to deal with this crap.

and i'm sorry to say this but she's in her 60s and i'm really looking fwd to her not even being in the picture anymore. a horrible thing to say i know. and the thing is, if she was just decent to me i would be fine with her. the only problem i have with her is that she's so nasty to me. i have tried over and over with this woman. and i'll never win. 

how do you deal with someone like this???

You must be young because 60s isn't that old...lol.  It's likely that you're going to have to deal with her for many years to come.  

Anyway, dealing with inlaws can be a real treat.  If you haven't joined BabyCenter.com yet, I really recommend it.  Go to the community tab and you can join your birth group to chat with other moms who are due the same month you are.  It's very helpful to have a group going through the same things you are.

There's also a board on there about dealing with inlaws and your family of origin and it's very active and full of lots of inlaw advice.  Disclaimer:  they are BRUTAL.  If you're going to jump in and post I recommend that you read the first post called "the sticky" and lurk for a while first.  Here's the board... http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dealing_with_th e_in_laws_and_foo_family_of_origin

Unfortunately, your husband is right "she's never going to change".  However, that does not mean it is ok for this behavior to happen in front of your children!  You need to have a serious heart to heart with your hubby about this and get on the same team quickly.  Put it to him like this... Imagine that he and your toddler are out to lunch with his mom, she is *****ing about you while your little "sponge" is taking it all in.  On the way home, your child asks, "Daddy, why is mommy a ___ (insert negative comment here)?".  Now, ask your hubby if he is comfortable answering that question, or having your child overhear such things.  If he isn't (which he better not be!), then it is time for him to strap on a set, lay down the law with his mom, and set some boundries about what is acceptable.  She doesn't have to like you, you don't ever have to be friends, but for the sake of your kids you have to pretend to get along.  Kids aren't dumb, they pick up on a LOT and since they'll love you both (much to the astonishment of the other, I'm sure) you owe it to them to find a way to exist in a room together.  Yep, it sucks!  Mean people live long, so you'll likely be dealing with her for a long time, like until your 'lil one is in high school.  Good luck!

I think we have the same MIL.  You really need to get your hubby to stand up to her.  Can you enlist an outsider (friend) to explain what your MIL is doing to you?  That is what I finally had to do for my hubby.  Once an outsider explained it to him he realized what she was doing and told her off.  Atleast for that issue we were dealing with.  I'm at the point where I might have to enlist that outsider again for another issue. 
For my hubby it helps to hear it from someone that is not envolved or so close to the problem.

 wow that worked huh? thats pretty great. my problem is he knows how crazy she is but he also knows that yelling at her won't do any good. bc it will always be something. and making her mad just makes things worse. she'll never admit she's wrong. so to stay sane all these years he's just learned to tune her out. which is hard for me. he's stoic. i have feelings. in fact i'm quite sensitive. i grew up sheltered in a loving caring family. he grew up with a single mom in nyc and she's tough and not affectionate at all. he's learned to toughen up. which is also easier when you're a boy. so for me its like, i'm sorry but that kind of behavior is unacceptable. if you're gonna act that way you're gonna face the consequences, which is being alone. everyone keeps telling me, thats just how she is just feel sorry for her and don't let it get to you. which of course is easier said than done. like i said i'm sensitive. for me, if someone in my life (i don't care who) is brining me nothing but negativity, i cut them off. why would i want them in my life? but because of him i can't. and i could deal with her. i really could. the problem is, when the baby comes. she'll feel some sort of entitlement to him. and i will be fiercly protective and controlling about it. because why should she get to see him if she treats me like **** and also i don't want her talking **** about me to him.

its just a mess. i can only hope that when i put my foot down, my husband will respect it.