To be, or not to be... done?

I've always wanted a big family.  I always tell my hubby that I want 12 kids, to which he responds, "that's fine, but nine of them won't be mine...".  I've always tried to sell him on a dozen so that four doesn't sound so bad.  When I started having kids, I wanted to be done by 30 (just turned 30 in June), and have them all close together.  I figured if I could convince hubby to have three and get lucky with twins for the third, I'd win and get four.   I had everything all planned out!   Then life happened.  After my first was 9 months old, and I was ready to try for the second, I had a change of heart and decided to have WLS and get healthy before having a second.  This put my first two almost three years apart, about twice the age gap I had originally planned.  I've had two wonderful, easy pregnancies, followed by two wonderful, easy babies (who both slept 12 hours by 8 weeks).   I was planning on weaning Liam this month so that I could get my cycles going again and try for #3 in September.  Again, I had it all planned out.  Then, in May, my girlfriend had a baby and when I held her in the hospital, I felt nothing.  None of my usual "I want one"... if anything, I felt glad that I wasn't the one going home to midnight feedings.  This is a totally foreign experience for me.  Now, for the first time ever I'm wondering "could I be done with two?".  There are a lot of things making me feel that I should just be done, but so many that make me want to keep going too... I just don't know anymore.  Part of me says to just leave it in God's hands and play "Catholic roulette", but I know that really that means I'd be pregnant right away with how things have gone in the past.  I guess I just feel selfish and guilty because my reasons for wanting to stop are all about me.  I kind of just want to have my body back, enjoy my new thin self, maybe have a tummy-tuck, enjoy my kids who sleep so well... etc.  Would I be pushing my luck with a third?  Am I destined to have tons of moring sickness and a coliky baby?  Have I been too lucky?  I guess it is kind of all stemming from this feeling that my life is too good and something is bound to go wrong (I'm not usually such a pessimist)... I just don't know what to do!  I still have this image of a big table filled with all my adult kids and their kids at Thanksgivings, but I'm not sure I want to put up with the room sharing and mini-van required to get there.

How do you know if you're done?

I also daydream about having a big family and the thanksgiving table :) I'm still cooking my first though and have no idea how I will feel about it in reality after he is born. I know I don't want an only child, and plan to start trying for a second child next summer. My journey to children requires fertility treatments so its a bit more complicated.
As far as being 30.... I am 30 now also. I wanted to have my first child by 30 and I made it really close. If I want 4 kids, spaced 2 years apart, I will be nearly 40 when I'm done. That scares me! But mostly because of the fertility problems I have. I know a lot of momma's that had babies in their late 30's and early 40's. Anyway, I think 30 is very young to be officially done with having kids. Do you feel pressure to make a permanent decision? Are you interested in sterilization for birth control? If you are ok with using other forms of birth control for awhile I would suggest waiting before making a final decision. I have a couple friends that had their tubes tied or their hubby got a vasectomy, only to have it reversed.
I have friends that are going through this what to do struggle now... the hubby went to his vasectomy consult. Now he wants to freeze semen just in case. Doesn't sound like they are really ready for the procedure if they are talking about freezing sperm!
Anyway, just my 2 cents, pre birth of my first child! haha :)

I'm not a fan of permanent birth control because you just never know where life can take you.  However, I was originally thinking of getting pregnant soon, and now I'm questioning doing it at all.  I'm pretty confident I want more, I probably just need a little time to have my body back (still nursing) first.  One thing though, is that I don't really want three, so I kind of feel pressured to stop at two, or have them soon enough that I could go for four without getting too old.  Just been on my mind a lot lately.  Once I do wean the baby, I need to get on some sort of BC quickly, or be prepared to be pregnant, my husband could look at me sideways and I'd have a bun in the oven. 

On that note, don't worry too much about future fertility just yet, pregnancy can do some amazing things to your body!  I never had regular cycles before I got pregnant with my first (she was a fluke once I went off the pill) and once I weaned her, I had perfect 28 day cycles with very "obvious" signs of ovulation on day 11.  It made getting pregnant very easy, so you just never know... this baby could kick start your system!  Good luck!

I hope you find clarity in what you want! I think you will in time :)

I hope it is easier for me to get pregnant the second time around. I have bad PCOS and I had an ectopic pregnancy so I only have one tube :( That makes it incredibly hard because I can only catch an egg IF one is there, every other time I ovulate. I have such low progesterone that I am scared to try to concieve naturally because its pretty much a guaranteed miscarriage. If my fertility does improve after birth the most I can really hope for is an easier time getting pregnant and maybe with clomid instead of injectables like I had to do this time. But I will need early monitoring and progesterone right off the bat. There is research that shows low progesterone can actually cause an ectopic pregnancy because the tubes don't function correctly to move the egg down them... my greatest fear is going through another ectopic pregnancy and ending up with no tubes. But I digress :)

Ya know, I've shared that I never had this "want" to have children. I know that probably sounds horrible, but it stems from years and years of being scared of what type of parent I would be.
I never wanted to be responsible for screwing someone's life up. I know that's the reason.

However, after I married my husband I knew I wanted to have a (emphasis on A, singular) child with him. I just chose to wait and have surgery first, lose weight and for us to enjoy our marriage with just my son from my previous. I was a single mom for 9 years so that also played a huge role in my lack of desire to ever have more children. I am paranoid of being left alone, raising children. With my husband's career, it's a very real fear with deployments etc.

I had signed ALL of the consent forms for a tubal during my csection with Tatum. I'm 35, high risk because of other medical issues, pregnancy is NOT fun, joyous or a beautiful thing for me (physically or emotionally). It totally wears on my body and growing another human takes a huge toll on my body. Even with being in great health, Tatum sucked every ounce of me. My labs remained stellar, my teeth suffered again (it happened with my 1st pregnancy 14 years ago).

I remember vividly when they lifted Tatum above the little sheet and she yelled out, the tears flowed, my husband kissed me and we rejoiced that she had arrived and was perfect in every way. My husband (think major ****y, gun-toting, arrogant, nothing makes me cry, Air Force cop) was bawling and kept telling me how great I had done, how beautiful she was, and I had told my OB, if my uterus looks viable and there has not been a huge development of scar tissues, I don't want my tubes tied. Well, as my husband is snapping pictures of Tatum, crying, hollering at me across the OR, I'm lying there, strapped down, and the OB said "Tiff, your uterus is beautiful, there's no reason y'all can't try for another baby in a year or so". My husband immediately said "baby don't do it, let's wait." I cried out "Don't TIEEEEEEEEEEE my tubes, please don't do it". I have this fear of permanent bc as well, but refuse to go on hormonal bc. So, she closed me up, I was fine with it. We had a backup plan. IUD at my 6-8 week followup, no biggie. Well, we all know what happened with that plan, and we'll be welcoming Ashton into our world just 3 weeks before Tatum's 1st birthday. I admit I was so angry when I popped positive, my body was just feeling normal, I was finally getting the hang of this infant stuff, and I was finally sleeping.

I will admit that I am completely done at this point. I'll be 36 at the end of this year, C is 14, he'll graduate as Tatum enters kinder, I'll be in my early 50's when the 2 littles graduate high school. My husband will have retired from the AF, our life will be vastly different, and raising children into my 50's was not in my plan. I really struggled the first 6-8 weeks with this pregnancy. I was bitter, I felt like another year of my life was stolen because I am growing a baby and I can't live my normal little life. I worked hard to get where I was before Tatum in regards to weight loss, mentally/emotionally finding a good balance between my life as a SAHM and the want/need to be active outside the home. Selfish is my biggest flaw, I admit it. I won't deny it one bit, and my husband and I have had knockdown, drag out arguments over why I'm was so upset about this pregnancy.

Of course, once the initial shock wore off, I've embraced it and realize that it's not always a good plan, but God's plan. I'm still scared, worried how I'll manage it all, but I do believe that this is where I'm supposed to be. This last week, for my 28 week f/u, we discussed the tubal again. AND, again I admitted that I am scared to do it. Not because I want to have more children, or worried if I were to become single for whatever reason that I'd want more children with another man, but I do not want my reproductive stripped from me. Least to say, I signed the consent forms again, but held the right to pull that from my file and have it shredded.

I know I am done. We can not afford more than 3 financially. We can't send more than 3 to college. We know all of the reasons why 3 is perfect, but it hurts to know that I'm not going to EVER be able to have children again. I know that went round and round, but I know I'm done. I just don't want the permanency of the tubal. BUT, I also do not want another baby. And, he can not get snipped so that's not an option.