feeling very alone right now
i wrote a long response to this but lost it! i was just too emotional to finish reading all these responses. i get what you're saying. he's been great mostly just this one thing. i want him to feel and he's not someone who feels. we had a whole talk after the appt where i emotionally broke down. he's a thinker, and a problem solver, not a feeler. which causes conflict with us. but he's trying.
Mell
on 6/21/12 1:47 am
on 6/21/12 1:47 am
Hi! Good luck, I know it is hard but maybe you should try and ask him what he wants out of the labor and birth. I got so wrapped up into this being my time that I forgot it was also special for my husband. I did not want a video or pictures and he did, and after really talking to him about it I found out that he did not want the gross stuff but just a video of his point of view (he stood by my head the whole time until she was out) so that he could see it over and over again and remind himself of how special it was (we might need those reminders when we are dealing with the teenage years!). So just talk, I know it gets fustrating just the other night my husband brushed off what I wanted/was feeling by saying you are just hormonal! I was pissed (and hormonal!) and my whole thing is if you know that I am hormonal would it kill you to entertain me! I told him he only has to deal with these hormones for 10 months, and that he will have stupid Man ideas that I will have to "entertain" for the rest of our lives! I think he got it!
i asked him what he wanted. he doesn't even care. he just wants whatever makes me comfortable. which on the one hand is nice. but on the other hand its frustrating bc he doesn't really care either way. i want him to feel exaclty the same way i feel. is that too much to ask? lol.
oh and he's one of these types that has to debate EVERYTHING. i'm like...you know i'm pregnant, can't you just let me win sometimes? he's soooo friggin stubborn!! ugh. damn taurus.
oh and he's one of these types that has to debate EVERYTHING. i'm like...you know i'm pregnant, can't you just let me win sometimes? he's soooo friggin stubborn!! ugh. damn taurus.
Try not to be too frustrated with him Meli. I think lots of guy have issues with Doulas because they see this as their job. What they dont realize (especially when they haven't been through it is that they'll ned support and may be so caught up in he excitement, they forget everything they've learned to do to help you!!
My husband didn't understand my wanting a Doula either. (didn't end up having one and that was the only thing lacking in my mind... but in hindsight, it really doesn't matter... none of the birth plans do. What matters is when it's all over that you have a little one who's healthy to hold.
My first baby we had a great birth plan all made out. NOT one thing was followed... things just didn't go smoothly. 2nd was planned section and this one was with no birth plan and was the very best of all 3.
Try not to get to fixated on the birth... especially so early on, you'll drive yourself nutty. So many things can happen that could preclude you from delivering at a birthing center rather than a hospital, or you may change your mind altogether. But, by all means, ask your question and make sure they get answered! You deserve that!
As for the video... check the delivery site... many do not allow video cameras for legal reasons. They all allow pictures of course, but many do not allow cameras.
I hope you get your questions answered sweetie. And remember... he's just a man. I really don't think they can begin to comprehend what being pregnant feels like, what we go through etc....
Hugs to you!
Linda
My husband didn't understand my wanting a Doula either. (didn't end up having one and that was the only thing lacking in my mind... but in hindsight, it really doesn't matter... none of the birth plans do. What matters is when it's all over that you have a little one who's healthy to hold.
My first baby we had a great birth plan all made out. NOT one thing was followed... things just didn't go smoothly. 2nd was planned section and this one was with no birth plan and was the very best of all 3.
Try not to get to fixated on the birth... especially so early on, you'll drive yourself nutty. So many things can happen that could preclude you from delivering at a birthing center rather than a hospital, or you may change your mind altogether. But, by all means, ask your question and make sure they get answered! You deserve that!
As for the video... check the delivery site... many do not allow video cameras for legal reasons. They all allow pictures of course, but many do not allow cameras.
I hope you get your questions answered sweetie. And remember... he's just a man. I really don't think they can begin to comprehend what being pregnant feels like, what we go through etc....
Hugs to you!
Linda
the apt ended up going terribly. i left crying. the doctor was defensive when i asked questions. he seems like the type that just wants me to shut up and do what he says. and i feel like my husband didn't back me up. i cried and cried. he didn't get it. then he figured out that it wasn't what the guy said, its HOW he said it. well duh! i felt like he just let me be spoken to that way and didn't stick up for me. i was so hurt. we had a LOOONNNGG talk in which i told him i need him to feel more and he says he's not one to feel. he does. he's a man. they see a problem and want to solve it. typical.
in the end he's going to try harder to be more emotionally supportive. but i really need to depend more on the women in my life for that.
now i'm back to looking for someone else. going to check out the birthing center next week. i just want to find a doctor or midwife i'm comfortable with. the rest will fall into place because if i can trust them, i can give up the reigns.
i just don't appreciate fear mongering. that doctor was trying to scare me. and he said he doesn't suggest i (because i had wls) have birth outside of a hospital. i don't believe those 2 things are mutually exclusive. i'm sorry. and when i said, well, would you say i'm low risk? because all my tests have come back great and everything is wonderful so far. no problems. and he said no. i wouldn't consider you high risk, but not low risk. normal risk. ok well, that sounds like i'm NORMAL to me. so why make me feel like i HAVE to stay with him? what a jerk. i saw his true colors. i knew that "no doula" thing was a red flag. you know its a bad sign when you pull out quesrions and they get this defensive attitutude like, why arey ou questioning them. everything i read says doctors want you to come prepared with questions. in my experience they don't like it. they just answer as quickly as possible for you to shut up.
all i know is my body is capable of more than people think. i surprised myself with how much i've done all on my own. and when i went with my instinct to get off the hormones i made the right decision. and when the endo said i couldn't get pregnant on my own, he was wrong. here i am at almost 16 weeks and everything looks beautiful. people underestimate me and my body. i want to go with someone who believes in me and my instincts. so thats why i'm hoping a midwife will be that for me.
in the end he's going to try harder to be more emotionally supportive. but i really need to depend more on the women in my life for that.
now i'm back to looking for someone else. going to check out the birthing center next week. i just want to find a doctor or midwife i'm comfortable with. the rest will fall into place because if i can trust them, i can give up the reigns.
i just don't appreciate fear mongering. that doctor was trying to scare me. and he said he doesn't suggest i (because i had wls) have birth outside of a hospital. i don't believe those 2 things are mutually exclusive. i'm sorry. and when i said, well, would you say i'm low risk? because all my tests have come back great and everything is wonderful so far. no problems. and he said no. i wouldn't consider you high risk, but not low risk. normal risk. ok well, that sounds like i'm NORMAL to me. so why make me feel like i HAVE to stay with him? what a jerk. i saw his true colors. i knew that "no doula" thing was a red flag. you know its a bad sign when you pull out quesrions and they get this defensive attitutude like, why arey ou questioning them. everything i read says doctors want you to come prepared with questions. in my experience they don't like it. they just answer as quickly as possible for you to shut up.
all i know is my body is capable of more than people think. i surprised myself with how much i've done all on my own. and when i went with my instinct to get off the hormones i made the right decision. and when the endo said i couldn't get pregnant on my own, he was wrong. here i am at almost 16 weeks and everything looks beautiful. people underestimate me and my body. i want to go with someone who believes in me and my instincts. so thats why i'm hoping a midwife will be that for me.
Adding to the camera... My husband had grand plans on wanting video - and I was fine with that... My daughter however was not *Grins* I was a high risk pregnancy... I had fetal monitoring on the day she was born from 9-10:30, saw my OB and was not dialated at all around 11:30am... Drove to work and had a chicken sandwich on the way... Opps!
Got out of my truck at work and my water broke... out the window went all of our birth plans. Just an hour after I was told I was good and not ready, my daughter fooled us! (I was 37 weeks pregnant and this is my first pregnancy....)
I called my husband, and picked him up at work and off to the hospital we went - the camera was however sitting in my office, I didn't want the video camera sitting in the truck all day... and I totally forgot to grab it!
We have some great cell phone video from the operating room however (I was a planned and then turned emergency c-section...). Our hospital technically allows camera's but not video - I had asked my OB about video and he told me being a c-section my brother in law could film anything we wanted, but if anything got "touchy" he would have to leave... My OB had wanted a copy of the video even to share with the hospital board - but my daughter did not wait on ANYONE...
My water broke about 12:30 - I called the OB drove to my husband's office, then to the hospital myself... I arrived there about 1:15pm having had no contractions... When they checked me I was over 2cm dialted and they began rushing... My daughter was born at 2:37pm - about 3 hours after having been told no dialation! None of my family made it... We made calls all the way to the hospital, but she was born just over an hour after we got there... By the time most people got the messages we left, we were happily in our room together.
I had an amazing birth experience - it did not go the way we planned, but it went... One of the hardest things for me about pregnancy was my inability to plan - I am always a planner, but my hormones were making me OCD. I wanted EVERYTHING done... as we drove to the hospital I was upset because we hadn't set up the video baby monitors yet - I wasn't ready damnit!!
Looking back in retrospect, I would not change a thing about her birth. We have a great story to tell - and great memories. I did NOT want a c-section, I wanted to breast feed, I wanted everything ready, I wanted my brother in law filming, his mom and my parents in the waiting room... I wanted it MY way. What I learned was babies want it their way - and my daughter started life spoiled and getting HER way! I have no desire to change that yet! LOL
Just take deep breaths - the Serenity prayer probably saved my husband's life during pregnancy... I am in no way religous but I attended AA meeting with my mother when I was a kid and they stress it over and over... The line that saves me "To accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference" Everytime something irked me, I repeated it like a mantra - you don't want to know how many times a day I said it in my head.... I still do, but about 2 weeks after Becca was born, I perked up, and pulled my self together emotionally and physically and never looked back!
Got out of my truck at work and my water broke... out the window went all of our birth plans. Just an hour after I was told I was good and not ready, my daughter fooled us! (I was 37 weeks pregnant and this is my first pregnancy....)
I called my husband, and picked him up at work and off to the hospital we went - the camera was however sitting in my office, I didn't want the video camera sitting in the truck all day... and I totally forgot to grab it!
We have some great cell phone video from the operating room however (I was a planned and then turned emergency c-section...). Our hospital technically allows camera's but not video - I had asked my OB about video and he told me being a c-section my brother in law could film anything we wanted, but if anything got "touchy" he would have to leave... My OB had wanted a copy of the video even to share with the hospital board - but my daughter did not wait on ANYONE...
My water broke about 12:30 - I called the OB drove to my husband's office, then to the hospital myself... I arrived there about 1:15pm having had no contractions... When they checked me I was over 2cm dialted and they began rushing... My daughter was born at 2:37pm - about 3 hours after having been told no dialation! None of my family made it... We made calls all the way to the hospital, but she was born just over an hour after we got there... By the time most people got the messages we left, we were happily in our room together.
I had an amazing birth experience - it did not go the way we planned, but it went... One of the hardest things for me about pregnancy was my inability to plan - I am always a planner, but my hormones were making me OCD. I wanted EVERYTHING done... as we drove to the hospital I was upset because we hadn't set up the video baby monitors yet - I wasn't ready damnit!!
Looking back in retrospect, I would not change a thing about her birth. We have a great story to tell - and great memories. I did NOT want a c-section, I wanted to breast feed, I wanted everything ready, I wanted my brother in law filming, his mom and my parents in the waiting room... I wanted it MY way. What I learned was babies want it their way - and my daughter started life spoiled and getting HER way! I have no desire to change that yet! LOL
Just take deep breaths - the Serenity prayer probably saved my husband's life during pregnancy... I am in no way religous but I attended AA meeting with my mother when I was a kid and they stress it over and over... The line that saves me "To accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference" Everytime something irked me, I repeated it like a mantra - you don't want to know how many times a day I said it in my head.... I still do, but about 2 weeks after Becca was born, I perked up, and pulled my self together emotionally and physically and never looked back!
Angie
Don't worry, being a mom is like a magic "anti-pushover" medication. You will find yourself standing up for you (and your babies) in ways you never would've imagined... pregnancy is your training course! Just go with your gut, and do what feels right to you! Make sure you talk to your husband, communication is key to a healthy, successful marriage. It is important to be on the same page as parents, and you won't get there if you let things fester. You're doing a great job as a mom already, just by taking so much time to research all of your options and do what is right for you.
Most Active
Recent Topics
