update
so i'll be honest. i've been having a rollercoaster of emotions. that happiness i felt last time when i found out i'd be able to start trying again soon fell away and i got very depressed. just because...how long will it take me to get pregnant? and even if i do, whats the point? its probably just gonna go away like the last time.
i went into a complete funk that no one could lift me out of. i became a little self destructive. wanting to drink so and forget life. mind you i'm not a drinker at all so ppl became concerned. i just don't know what i'm doing here. i've never felt these complicated feelings before. and i don't know how to deal with it. i'm angry. i'm angry at my body for doing this to me and as payback i want to numb my feelings with alcohol or partying. i'm angry at myself for partying and acting wild. i feel like my wanting to party is probably the reason i lost the baby in the first place. because i'm a bad person. and i feel like no one understands and i don't even want to talk about it because i don't want to think about it because i can't handle the emotions. my poor husband. i feel bad for putting him through this. he feels helpless that he can't make it better for me. and i think he's afraid to show his own sadness bc he tries to be strong for me. its been a rollercoaster.
that being said, i went to my endo yesterday and my levels are down to zero. thankfully. and today i went in for an ultrasound and he started me on clomid. i was surprised to see its only 10 pills and that they're small. i was expecting huge pills. don't feel anything yet but its only been 1 day. i felt better today. more hopeful. i don't know if its because i'm taking some action or because the dr says i'm sensitive to conceiving this month. so i'm hopeful. also i got a rx for HCG shots though i'm not exactly sure what they're for. i just don't want to get excited again. i couldn't handle the let down. not again.
i'm taking clomid for 5 days. then i'll ovulate. then i come in to test my mucus and do a mid cycle ultrasound. and then a 2 week wait. so..yeah..thats whats new with me.
i went into a complete funk that no one could lift me out of. i became a little self destructive. wanting to drink so and forget life. mind you i'm not a drinker at all so ppl became concerned. i just don't know what i'm doing here. i've never felt these complicated feelings before. and i don't know how to deal with it. i'm angry. i'm angry at my body for doing this to me and as payback i want to numb my feelings with alcohol or partying. i'm angry at myself for partying and acting wild. i feel like my wanting to party is probably the reason i lost the baby in the first place. because i'm a bad person. and i feel like no one understands and i don't even want to talk about it because i don't want to think about it because i can't handle the emotions. my poor husband. i feel bad for putting him through this. he feels helpless that he can't make it better for me. and i think he's afraid to show his own sadness bc he tries to be strong for me. its been a rollercoaster.
that being said, i went to my endo yesterday and my levels are down to zero. thankfully. and today i went in for an ultrasound and he started me on clomid. i was surprised to see its only 10 pills and that they're small. i was expecting huge pills. don't feel anything yet but its only been 1 day. i felt better today. more hopeful. i don't know if its because i'm taking some action or because the dr says i'm sensitive to conceiving this month. so i'm hopeful. also i got a rx for HCG shots though i'm not exactly sure what they're for. i just don't want to get excited again. i couldn't handle the let down. not again.
i'm taking clomid for 5 days. then i'll ovulate. then i come in to test my mucus and do a mid cycle ultrasound. and then a 2 week wait. so..yeah..thats whats new with me.
My fingers are crossed for you! Good luck and I hope that you are able to come to a sense of peace and happiness soon. Don't beat yourself up, YOU DID NOTHING to cause your miscarriage! You now know it IS possible for your body to get pregnant. Try to be confident it will happen again. Take care and remember there are a lot of people rooting for you!
Sorry you're going through this Meli. BTDT too!
The HCG trigger shot is given to you acouple of days after you finish the Clomid. You should have a ultrasound (about day9) to see how many follicles the Clomid help produce then you are given the shot. I was told to carry the HCG in my purse to that appointment b/c they didn't know at what day in my cycle I would get it so it was best to have it with me at all appointments during that time. I received my shot on cycle day 10 (which I think was too early in my cycle) and was told to go home and have sex for the next couple of days and then do a HPT in 2 weeks.
The HCG trigger shot is given to you acouple of days after you finish the Clomid. You should have a ultrasound (about day9) to see how many follicles the Clomid help produce then you are given the shot. I was told to carry the HCG in my purse to that appointment b/c they didn't know at what day in my cycle I would get it so it was best to have it with me at all appointments during that time. I received my shot on cycle day 10 (which I think was too early in my cycle) and was told to go home and have sex for the next couple of days and then do a HPT in 2 weeks.
I hate when the doc's graze over instructions- like you know what the hell they are talking about!
I only did Clomid in November, since my POS insurance only covers one month of fertility treatment and I still had to pay out the a$$ for the meds! It's weird I work for a pretty big suburban Philadelphia hospital and the hospital provides the fertility services but the crappy insurance that is provided by them doesn't cover the services!! You can bet that I did have some words with the Benefits manager- boy was I hot over that!
So since then, my DH and I have decided to let nature take it's course and if it ment to be it will happen- that saying, I in the 2WW now.
I only did Clomid in November, since my POS insurance only covers one month of fertility treatment and I still had to pay out the a$$ for the meds! It's weird I work for a pretty big suburban Philadelphia hospital and the hospital provides the fertility services but the crappy insurance that is provided by them doesn't cover the services!! You can bet that I did have some words with the Benefits manager- boy was I hot over that!
So since then, my DH and I have decided to let nature take it's course and if it ment to be it will happen- that saying, I in the 2WW now.
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