OT; Why is it that I'm not good enough??

I have NEVER been good enough for my mom.  My house is never clean enough, to her my boys look like orphans, and I can't do anything right.  She always compares me to my brother and his wife.  When I told her I was having my daughter, she was okay with it.  Said she knew she would be a grandmother by age 40.  My brother and his wife tells everyone they are having a baby, she cries.  When I got pregnant with Ethan, she stopped talking to me for almost the entire 9 months.  It took my uncle to die for her to say anything to me.  She was so disappointed in me when I got pregnant with the other two boys.  Now, my brother and his wife don't get along very well and never really did.  They house is NEVER spotless.  But nothing is ever said to them.  Mom called me and wanted me to have everything ready to go for the two boys in 30 minutes.  She is staying at my grandmothers house while they are visiting but she had to buy food because my grandmother is in a nursing home.  She called me as they were coming through so I had like 30 minutes to get their clothes ready,  everything for Thanksgiving dinner I had gotten, and the boys food and snacks.  I forgot the boys jackets, it wasn't cold when they left.  I forgot their belts so their pants are falling off.  Granted, its not like she gave me much notice that she wanted the boys for the night.  Not to mention my daughter is sick with an ear and sinus infection and Christian was getting into everything.  Oh yeah, I also had to get movies for them to watch while they are down there, trying to cook dinner at the same time.  I can't remember everything.  I was getting things ready for TWO boys not one like my sister in law AND I didn't have 24 hour notice either.  I guess I wouldn't have forgotten anything either.  But NOTHING I do is good enough.  I feel like a failure.  Like I should just give them up so they will be taken care of the way she feels they should be.  She has always treated my brother and me different but she doesnt see it.  I swear I will never make my children feel the way she makes me feel.  I have dont nothing but cry all morning.  Thanks for letting me rant.  Im just so hurt by her. 

First off, you need a hug! I am so sorry that your mom is so wicked. It sounds like she is a very angry mean person. Why do you allow her in your life? Her behavior is disgusting. Let your brother and sister in law deal with her antics and you can focus on your beautiful little family! So effing what..you forgot their jackets and belts! Big deal! As mothers, we have forgotten many things. I have forgotten to put my underwear on the right way! Forgetting things in a mad dash is normal, the way that she is treating you is NOT. If it were me, I would eliminate her out of my life. Does she talk about you in front of your boys? Does she treat the boys differently than she treats your brothers kid? I am so sorry. I hope that everything works out, but PLEASE do NOT question your ability as a mother!

If you choose to keep your mother in your life - and that's a decision only you can make (but don't be bamboozled into the 'she's my mother' thinking...do what's right for you and your family, not what you feel obligated to do due to familial relations) - do not let her be the one to dictate the foundation of that relationship.  You owe it to yourself and your kids to stand up to her and make your voice heard.  I'm not saying be disrespectful or rude...some people have a hard time standing up to a bully (which is what it sounds like your mom is)...but you can still firmly and quietly stand up to her.  A shouting match would do nothing but upset you and the kids...so sit down and write down what you want to tell her...and either find a time when it's just the two of you to tell her, or mail her a letter telling her how she makes you feel.  If you decide to let your kids go stay the night with your mother, tell her flat out you need a 24 hour notice - minimum - so you can pack their bags properly, not b/c forgetting their belts or coats was a huge tragedy (did she ASK for their coats? She's a mother...if she's going to condemn you for forgetting them, she needs to condemn herself for not asking!), but b/c you deserve the time to prepare properly.  Jumping when she said jump - ie when she called and said you've got 30 minutes to get them ready - let her have control of the situation.  If you do allow 'last minute calls' to take them for the night (ie less than 24 hours) then don't give in to a '30 minutes to get them ready' deadline...tell her 'Yes, you can have them for the night, but I need a few hours to get things ready,' then take your time and do what you need to do the way you need to do it.  Don't drop everything and run around frantically to pack them up, making it seem like she's doing you a favor taking the kids.  You're doing her a favor letting her spend time with her grandkids.

I guess, basically what I'm telling you...take control of the situation back.  A relationship is a 50-50 thing...hang tight to your 50% and don't let go.  Dig your heels in and be strong, and remind yourself...it's for you and your self-esteem...but more importantly, it's to teach your kids how to be strong and stand up for themselves.  In today's day and age of bullying in school, that's a lesson they'll need.

[[HUGS and enjoy your Thanksgiving]]

Thank you for your kind words.  I guess I jumped mainly is because she actually lives 10 hours away and only gets to see for a few days now and during the summer for a week or two.  I know she has alot on her plate with her brother and mom, but I also know she should not make a difference between my brother and me.  It has always been like that.  She treats my daughter better than me.   She does say that my daughter is her favorite grandchild and treats her the best however when it comes to the boys, my brother's son is better than my boys.  But you are so right, it's all about my babies and how I treat them and love them.  I don't have a lot of money and they don't get everything they want BUT they don't really want for anything either.  My babies have more than alot of kids do.  I don't think she totally understands that spending the same amount of money on each child makes them equal.  She had and has a pretty bad deal with her parents and brother.  I guess it was just past down.  That is one thing I will NOT pass down to my kids.  I hate to cut her out because my step dad is awesome and just worships them all.  I mean, one of my sons is his little shadow. lol  Ethan just loves my mom to death.  She doesn't say anything about me in front of them, it is always on the phone.  She won't say it to my face, if you know what I mean.  I guess I will just sit back and see how things pan out as they get older.  If things don't change, I will be making some changes.  I'm getting to old to compete for her love and approval.  Anyway, I hope you had a great Thanksgiving.

I can kind of relate given i dont have any kids yet an pregnant with my first right now but my dad is a clean freak and lets just say i didnt get that gene. There was one time a few years ago that he said he would have called CPS on me if i had kids.O.0 my house has NEVER been that dirty but if its not perfect its not clean. GRRR anyway if she is driveing so far ask her to call you when she is half way there with an estimate of the time she will be at your house. Also why cant she just come when she does and hang out at your house until you get everything straighten out and packed? I dont understand why she would just come get the kids and leave right away. Anyway be strong stand up for yourself and i hope things will get better between you 2