Totally Random Vent - & totally selfish, too

O my.  I can relate on some of that but with my father, not my mother.  I am SO sorry you have to deal with this.  i have seen 2 people rush into WLS's and have failed, big time.  I am not a doctor I only have my BA in psych but I feel like you may be right about being manic depressive.  She also sounds like she has some kind of borderline personality disorder, those people are HARD to deal with!  and the breaking in thing... wow, just wow.

hugs and prayers. Im going through the samething with my mom. her attitude towards me is that she blames me for everything that has gone wrong with her life. She uses my oldest to replace my brother who died 4mos after i had my son. She wanted NOTHING to do with Jaxson until my brother died. She is very maniac and everyone else "sees it" too. we do nothing because we know we cant. She can only help herself, and until she realizes herself, your hands are tied. AS for surgery, shes the one that has to go through the ramifications for a failed surgery. NOT YOU. As for her giving you the broth? maybe she was "trying to be nice" by giving you something she may of thought you needed. just an idea. thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. big ol freakin hug to boot. I pray she goes through recovery and surgery with flying colors and not have complication.
dont forget, we cant help those who cant help themselves. those are hurtful words but yet ring true.

Could be that our mothers are related! Sounds exactly like my mother's behavior. She's always denied having a mental illness. When I was a kid I remember among her slew of vitamins she took lithium. It wasn't until I was diagnosed bipolar and knew what it w for that I confronted her about it and she played it off like it was nothing. Saying things like it's just part of her vitamin regimen...um lithium is not used as a nutritional supplement! She doesn't understand boundaries, she feels she's got the right to still be the parent and if any of us try to take charge of our own lives, we rare using her and abusing her. Blames everything on everyone else, is very verbally abusive with her kids and feels we're all out to get her and abuse her, keep her grand kids from her...it goes on and on! I've had to really distance myself because it's not possible to have a healthy relationship with her. None of her kids get along with her well at all and she refuses to have adult relationships with any of us, instead insists that she's the mother and we are the kids! Never mind most of us are married and have our own families. I haven't told her I'm pregnant and I'm not sure when or if I'm going to.
You have to do what's best for your family! She'll play the " you don't care about me" card when you can't help her or have a lot going on in your own life. My mother tracked me down when I had wls and tried to talk me out ofit, the day after it was done and over with, telling me I was going to fail and I wouldn't be able to do it and I'd regain all my weight. After finding out how well I was doing she insisted it was because of her that I was doing so well with the weight loss! She's very manipulative, controlling and refuses to be accountable for any of the choices she's made or the damage she's done to her children. Says we're all horrible, selfish and ungrateful. I can understand having one or two difficult kids, but 7 out of 7? I got tired of being hurt all the time so I had to separate myself from her and unless she's willing to work on her stuff and admit something's wrong, there's just no way a healthy relationship is possible.
Boundaries are vital and your priorities are your husband and kids. Don't let her make you feel guilty or bad because you can't help her like she thinks you should. Sounds like she was in no way prepared for surgery and that would worry me too! You've offered to help her on this journey but it seems she only wants your help on her terms, when she wants it, never mind if you've got stuff going on, she expects you to drop everything for her when she says so.
I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this! Hopefully you can create healthy boundaries. I completely understand what you're going through.

I don't have any pearls of wisdom but wanted to offer a shoulder to lean on, positive thoughts and prayers headed your way!

Liz

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through all of this! I hope and pray that things get better for you! Do what you need to to do for the best interest of your family.  Just know that we are all here for you!!!

It sounds like your mom has a vertical sleeve gastrectomy.  Sorry her - it sounds like bipolar has gone "unchecked".  Don't know her history, it could be fused with a personality disorder like borderline and the lines become really blurry with a dual diagnosis like that.

What is unfortunate is that if it is indeed bipolar or "manic depressive" as you call it, it is indeed hereditary.  My best friend's mom was bipolar and she had a horrible and very dangerous childhood.  She ended up in foster care.  Her mom ended up committing suicide in her 30's.  My friend is a clinical psychologist/psychoanalyst and has put off having children because there is a 50% chance of her child being bipolar.  I should check some studies but this is really so.

The sleeve has been fantastic so far for me.  I have followed every rule to a tee though.  Your mom made a very wise choice in surgeries even if it was in a haste or by default or con or whatever.  I hope she can get the physical and mental health care that she needs.

P.S.  if she worked steadily all her life, that would be a very good sign.  If she has had steady relationships - good sign!  If there are time when she couldn't peel herself out of bed, bad sign.  If she is impulsive and gets into trouble with people and things then it is a bad sign!

Oh honey, I am so sorry you have gone through so much I suppose all your life.  I work in mental health and I've seen people who are on top of their game and stable for the most part unravel before my eyes.  Heads of schools, successful writers, ridiculously famous comediennes, lawyers and business women/men.  They really can't help themselves, stop taking medication, medication stops working or never worked no matter how many different formulas etc.  It is sad and difficult.

I wish you the best (((BIG HUGS)))
Leila
 Here is the link to the VSG forum http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/vsg/

I've no 'real' experience with mental illness, but I am sorry you're going  through all of this.  I sometimes feel my mother is 'crazy,' but it's not the same as your mom, *****ally does sound like she has some mental illness.  I do know that I don't like the person my mother has become over the last 20 years or so, and I also set some very big boundaries.  As in, I live on one continent, she lives on another.  When I move back to the States, we'll be on opposite sides of the continent...and she won't know I'm there.  She doesn't know where I live right now.  I haven't spoke to her in three years and have no intentions of doing so any time soon.  I've had to do that for my own peace of mind and mental health.  Yeah, I miss the mom she used to be...but since that woman no longer exists, I just stick to my boundaries plan. 

Regarding your mom breaking into your house...that'd scare me, even if it was my mother.  You really should take measures to make sure that she cannot do it again; if she does have a serious mental illness, you need to make sure that when she's around your children, you KNOW she's around them.  No surprises.  I'm not trying to scare you, but we all watch the news and see the stories of mentally ill people harming members of their own family...and if she's had the WLS etc to get attention b/c she's jealous of your girls, God forbid she should turn that illness on them.  I'm NOT trying to scare you - though I know that the possibilities likely will (I'm sorry!) - but I would seriously worry about that.  You are not forbidding your mom being around her grand children...you're just making sure you're in control of the situation each and every time she DOES see them.

Huge hugs and big prayes for you and your family, including your mom.  I hope the surgery is a success for her, even if it just puts her at a lower, healthier weight simply b/c of the dynamics of the surgery, even w/o her compliance to the 'rules' of it.

First off, I'm really sorry for you. I can empathize with the way you feel, this emotionally charged situation is completely out of your control and is likely going to lead to some devastation on your part. It's incredibly hard to watch people make decisions that you know are a mistake. Unforunately, there are only two courses of action and neither is easy.

The first course is to simply know that you've honestly expressed all your reservations and concerns for your mother to your mother and any decision that she makes at this point forward is an informed one. If she chooses to look the other way and continue down a potentially devastating path, that's her choice and only her choice. You can't alter someone's free will no matter how much you would like to or how much better you know.

Course 2 is a bit more complicated. If your mother is mentally ill then it's not a safe decision for her to be making. Though she won't tell you who her surgeon is and has obviously chosen to go ahead and have the surgery, you are able to make him or her aware of the issues. You can talk to her doctor and at least inform him of her mental state and the concerns that you have. You obviously know where she is at the hospital and can make the staff there aware of the cir****tances. Though your mother obviously needs therapy and you can encourage her to seek it, even citing your own need for support through the process, you can't force her to do it. At some point, though heartbreaking, you may have to choose what is best for you and your family. If your mothers mental state is destroying yours and your families, it may be time to put limits on her involvement in your life.

I'm so sorry you are facing this situation and wish you the best..

 I can sympathize, I'm pretty sure my mom is a borderline personality. When she saw how well I did with the band, she got one as well, which I fully supported. However, she's lost about 15 lbs I think in 3 years or so. She got one or two fills, but never very much and they seemed to cause her quite a bit of anxiety. She does eat less than before, but still not the portions that a wls patient should be eating. It's hard to watch someone you care about make mistakes like that, but if you have given them the wisdom you have and they choose not to follow it, you do sometimes have to just back off and let them be the ones to deal with the consequences of their behavior.