Drama on the family homefront....geez-long vent

 I'm estranged from my father and have been for 3 years.  We were unable to work out a decent, workable relationship between us and I decided to cut ties to save my sanity.  I've been thru years of therapy and this has been the only solution that has worked.  I believe he has an undiagnosed mental illness and he doesn't believe in mental illness.  His love for his children is also conditional to if you do as he says only.  If you don't, he will tell you that he can't love someone that disagress with him.  I couldn't handle it anymore. 

I did not tell him I was pregnant, but I did know that he would probably find out from one of my siblings.  I did not tell them they couldn not tell our father.    My brother flew to California yesterday and apparently told my dad in the 1st 5 minutes I was pregnant with a little girl.  What does my dad do? He calls my sister and cusses her out because she didn't tell him I was pregnant.  My sister tried to explain to him that she didn't tell him because 1) I told them when I was 8 weeks out and that was too early and 2) she knew what his response would be and she wasn't in a place to deal with it.  He called her every name in the book and hung up the phone on her!

This morning, I ran into her at the hair salon and she gave me a look that would kill.  She's upset with me because of my dad's reaction.  I apologized and told her he had no right to get upset with her.  I even told her I would email him and tell him his actions were uncalled for.  She seemed happy with that, but is still upset about how my dad reacted towards her.  

I came home and sent a very short but curt email stating he needed to apologize to my sister for his reaction because it was not her fault. I also said he can be mad at me, but he can't be shocked that I didn't tell him because we haven't spoken in 3 years.  I hope he does apologize to her; for her and my sake.  I've already decided that he will not be in my daugher's life at this time.  Based on his behavior with my sister, I'm correct in this decision.  I can't have that drama around any child of mind.  It took me years to work thru it.  

I'm just upset that now I'm stressing about this.  I was trying to avoid as much stress as possible while pregnant.  Hopefully he will fix this and I don't have to worry about it again.  But I feel really bad that I caused this drama for my sister.  

Thanks for letting me vent.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. You are 100% correct that your father is suffering from mental illness. I think you handled the situation perfectly, with your sister and the email you sent your father. I think you are making a very protective choice to shield your baby from his antics.
I can relate to you on a personal level... my mother has mental health issues and its an ongoing family drama. I'm not allowed to have a relationship with anyone in her extended family because I have to choose her or them. I lost my grandparents, aunt and cousins. Its so hard. Yesterday I found out that my parents are going on a cruise over Christmas this year. My sister and I were blown away by their choice to ditch us on the most important holiday of the year (to my sister and I.) I always tell myself I should sever our relationship, but I'm not quite there yet. What little relationship we have that is.

Take care. I'm glad therapy is helping you come to terms with the situation. You are very strong :)

I am so sorry to hear that you have to put up with this during one of the most important times of your life.  you should be able to relax and stay stress free as much as possible and Lord knows that's not happening with all that drama.  Just remember I think we all got one of them crazy parents to deal with..............my mother is hooked on pills and swears up and down I will be on bed rest before my lo is born because I don't take care of myself!!!!!!! like I would do something to harm this precious gift I have been given and didn't think was possible in the first place!!!  I try to have least amount of contact as possible with her  so you are doing the right thing.  I hope things get better for you!!!!!!!!!

No one should have to deal with that at anytime let alone pregnancy. I am sorry you have this drama in your life. You are doing the right thing by cutting out that drama from your life as much as you can. I hope your sister can move on from it as well.

You are absolutely justified in your actions.  I would have made the same decisions.  This is your child and you get to protect your child against people who do not show unconditional love.  Jill and I have had to make the same decision in our life.  Her mother decided that she "cannot condone" our relationship and she chose not to come to our wedding. And she still maintains that she loves Jill unconditionally.  Calling BS on that one!  Our child will have 1 set of grandparents... my folks.  Her mother is a wonderful grandmother to Jill's neice and nephews.  However, if you cannot love and support us wholey and unconditionally, then you do not deserve to be active in our child's life.  She does not get to chose when and how to participate in our lives.

So... there... I agree with you.  Let it go... the stress of your father and his ways do not affect you. 

 Thanks for the support!  I really appreciate it.  My mom understands why I cut my father out of my life.  There was a time where I didn't talk to her either, but she was adament to repair our relationship and now we are in a great place.

My brother is a minister and feels that you must do as he says and not as he does.  He is not close to my mother and goes out of her way to hurt her feelings, but he considers me a horrible person because I don't speak to my father. I've pointed out the hypocracy to him many times, but he can''t/won't see it.  

I want my daughter to grow up without all the dysfunction and dispair that my husband and I had in our childhood.  This is a new beginning for all of us.  So, I'm letting the stress go and moving on and up!