Question/Rant

As many of yall know Hazel was by no means planned out but has been a wonderfull additon to my life and I wouldn't trade her for the world. Her dad hasn't been in the picture since day one. One day he says he will do anything for her b/c he takes care of his kids. Then the next thing I know hes mad at me for something trivial and hes not speeking to me and dosent want anything to do with her b/c hes mad at me which is just childish. Well I am supposed to be going to the city were he lives this time alone the last time I went it was for my graduation. Well my question is should I let him know I'm comming down there and try and meet up with him or should I just go down their and never let him know I came into town. I would love for Hazel to have a father but you can't force someone to be there who dosent wana be there. It just realy ticks me off that he can take care of 3 kids just fine but can't take care of the 4th one b/c you are mad at me b/c I moved back to the city I was born and raised in and were I have all the support I need. Sorry the post is so long and kind of a rant. I just don't know what to do. I know I am a great single mommy, but I was raised with 2 parents until I was 12 so I just want Hazel to have 2 parents. Is that so crazzy. Any ways ladys have a great day.

Give him one more chance (Just so you can move on being the "bigger" person). tell him you'll be down on x day from x-x time if he'd like to see his daughter. Let him know that this is your last attempt, the next one will be in court when you file for child support!

Good luck and you are doing a great job. Hazel is lucky to have you

I agree with Liz.  Let him have the option of seeing her.  Then the ball is in his court.

I want to say don't waste your time telling him you'll be there...If he wants to be part of your little girl's life, then he needs to make the effort to do so, it can't be all on you to instigate it.  That said...that could just be the stubborn side of me talking.  Maybe this one last time, let him know when you'll be there, where you'll be...and leave it.  Tell him if he chooses to show up and see Hazel, then he knows when/where you'll be...and if he chooses not to, then don't bother to try to be a daddy down the road.  Hazel needs a full-time daddy or none at all.  Having him be there when he's 'in the mood' to be a daddy to her, then not when he's being pissy with you, is detrimental to Hazel, in the long run. 

I'd guess that the reason he's 'there' for the other three kids (are they with the same woman or different women?) is b/c the mother(s) of those kids is not as independent as you are...and since you speak your mind and do what you know is right for you and your litlle girl, he doesn't know what to do with you.  You have to admit it's a lot easier to deal with someone who does everything you want them to do, the way you want them to do it and when you want them to do it - without you having to argue with them.  If you were a push over, I'm sure he'd be there for Hazel as much as he is for the other kids...but you'd be giving up a big part of yourself for that 'benefit.' You're better off in the long run doing as you've done - moving on with your life and taking care of you and your baby.  I do think, regardless of whether he chooses to be involved w/Hazel's life, that he should pay child support...but that's a separate issue than him actually being a daddy to her.

Because you are Hazel's model,  show her early what an example of kindess, patience and compasion. Call (or text) the clown one last time. I have moments like this as well. Because I love my dad and my daughter...I try to have patience with her father. I also want to be able to tell her when she's older that I did all I could for her to foster a relationship with her dad. If he doesn't follow through, she'll always have the idea that it wasn't cause her mama didn't help make it happen.

Congrats of being a great mom, and for finishing school! Have a great weekend!

Hey Apryl!  You are a strong woman who doesn't need that "sperm donor!"  That being said, I agree with the other women here... call/txt him and let him know when you'll be there.  But only give him a limited window of time when you will be available to see him.  You do not need to sacrifice your time waiting on him.  Like give him 1 hour only.  Wait... are you bringing Hazel with you?  If not, then don't bother.  If you are bringing Hazel with you then let him know what 1 hour window you 2 will be available to see him. 

Thank you ladies for all your responses. I have allready filed for child support, but the problem is going to be getting him to actually pay it for some reason he is tottaly against it. I will give him one my chance and then I'm done trying. His two girls are by one women and his son is by another. I do know they arent independent women and arent educated either. So I do think they are easier to manipulate than I am. I have allways been strong willed and speak my mind and I think that bothers him. Once again thank you ladies.

Hey Apryl-
Good for you on the child support. Once it's in the Atty Gen's hands he has to pay it. He needs to be held financially accountable for his child.

The only time I've ever seen it work out where the father didn't pay child support was with my niece. Shortly after she was born her father disappeared from her life and never paid a dime. When she was about 3 he remarried and had another child. I guess his paternal instinct kicked in or something and he decided that he'd go to court to get full custody of this child, mind you he hadn't laid eyes on her in over three years. My SIL's atty used not paying child support for those years as leverage. It was explained to him that he could have visitation rights if he paid all the back pay in child support or he could sign his rights away. (ie that taking it to court would open a can of worms he didn't want opened) He chose to sign away.  

Good luck! It's never easy and no one ever really wins.

I have to agree with Holly. I am actually going through the situation you are. I have offered it up to him he can see Q whenever he wants too. Just give me advance and will make sure we are where we need to be. Nope, he doesnt do that. instead he says what your baby daddy sperm donor has said. HE has even told his lil internet "gfriends" that he buys and pays for all of Q's diapers formula etc...NOPE he hasnt. He has gotten him 2packages of diapers. OH, and has told EVERYONE that i have not allowed to see him in a month when he went to "find himself".

As for the 2 parents? Honey there is nothing wrong with that at all. NOTHING. You will be a 2parent family someday. HE will LOVE HER just like his own. SHE will know who her "real" parent is. I grew up without my dad, he died when I was 8. I SWORE TO GOD, I wouldnt let my kids grow up without knowing their dad. THEY will make their own decisions about him when they are old enough.

Good Luck, just remember we are here for you!
 

thanks for the kind words. he has said he wants to see her while i'm down there so that is the plan and i know one day i will meet someone and will be a 2 parent home