Totally OT: buying Mother's Day gift for my bonus kids' mother

So here's my dilemma-

We have a blended family. I have two kids from a previous marriage, ages 21 and 18. My husband has two kids as well, ages 16 and 12. We just had Blake, who is 3 months old. My kids are off at college. My husband's kids live with us full time- he has custody. Their mother gets them when its convenient for her, but its supposed to be every other weekend, once a week in the evening for a few hours, and during the summer. Lately, since we gave the 16 year old her own truck, her mother has had her pick up the 12 year old from school and drive them both to her house, instead of picking them up herself. It's not terribly far but she doesn't contribute to gas at all. She pays $202 a month in child support and to her we are able to buy the world with that. Last summer we had them 93% of the time. I could go on and on- but I won't. (OK enough of my ranting)

Let me preface- I don't buy my kids' dad any presents. I do call them and remind them to call their dad on his birthday though. But they are older than my bonus kids.

So-the REAL problem. Every occassion (Christmas, Mother's day, her birthday) the kids come to us to buy their mother a present. My husband usually gives them $20 and buys a card. I'm sick of it. The girls do not clean up after themselves even though I ask them ALL the time to do so. They don't lift a finger to help unless they are specifically asked and then its done half- a**ed. I can't even justify giving them money for allowance.

The woman has a live in boyfriend. They won't get married cause she is on medicaid and she would lose her benefits with his income.

I know I am bitter because of the situation. Not so much for me but for the kids. They truly miss their mom and all she can do is see them when it works for her. I take care of all of their needs- shopping, homework, dr's appts, staying home with them when they are sick, etc, etc. I can get over the monetary part of our aspect if she'd just do the kids right. I guess this is where I have the biggest issues.

So....would you continue giving them the $20 on every occassion and and just suck it up? I think the girls should work off the money or their "step dad" can take care of it. My husband doesn't want the girls to be put in the middle so he just gives in. On top of it all, I was on maternity leave and haven't gotten a pay check in four months so things really are a little tight right now.

I trust your all's judgement and I really need an unbiased view......

THANKS!

i agree with your husband.. the girls should not be put in the middle... that being said.. they are not to young to work ( and work correctly) for money... if they want to to buy their mom something thats great... but they can wash dishes.. take out trash... sweep.. mop.. vaccume.. dust... it may not be up to your ability but i dont expect it to.. they are teens.. and teens are gross

I do think you should give them the money but I think you should make them earn it and they should earn it BEFORE you give it.  I know there's only a couple days left but that's enough time.  If you give them the money and expect them to do the work afterwards, it'll never get done!

I agree with Lexa- make them "work" for an allowance and what they do with it is their concern.  Does the 16 year old have a job to support a truck? If so, she could help out the 12 in getting something for their mom.  Maybe they could make something for their mom??? 

16 & 12....def. old enough to work for money. I wouldnt just "give" it to them.

I agree with the PP as well, why doesnt the 16 yr old work part time for money to keep gas in her car etc.

children need to be taught responsibility or they go crazy.  I think you have the right idea.

Thanks Gals! It's so hard to be objective when dealing with their mother.

I will make a list of chores for them to do to earn the money. I'll have their dad check their work when they're done so that I can stay neutral.

I have always felt that it shouldn't be our job to just give the kids the money, because then the present is really from us and not them. I am so biased though that I wanted to make sure I'm seeing the big picture though. A lot of times that's hard when I'm smack dab in the middle of it all though. I don't want to do the kids wrong, but gosh I get so tired of baby mamma drama!

I know this isn't a popular answer, but I refuse to pay my son for being an active participant in this family, and effectively contributing to the running of this household. Sorry, but I think it's ludicrous. We did attempt the chore chart, and accountability thing a couple of years ago, and what I found is that I was more frustrated with reminding him it was "toilet Tuesday" or the trash needed to be taken to the curb. There is no reason for him to make money on being part of this family. We all contribute, we all reap the benefits. Currently, I just instruct him on what he needs to do, and it gets done, no back talk, no half-assing it, no b.s. in this house. That's just how we handle things in this household. Again, I know that is not the popular, or probably the most favorable reply, but chore charts and allowances do not work for us. We provide his basics needs, and wants, and believe me, he wants for nothing. He plays sports that cost us money(upwards of 300 bucks a year), he goes to school and comes home, he is rewarded for good behavior and grades with additional "perks" but it's not monetary. Those perks go away when he slacks off. It's nothing for me to strip his room of everything except his bed and dresser, and I've done a couple of times since puberty is creeping in. It isn't pleasant, but it works.

As for a gift for their mother, they could make her something, they could offer to help her with something, or make it a a "mommy and me" day. They could pack a picnic lunch and take mom to the park and make it a special day for just the girls. Give each other pedicures etc.

I agree 100%!!  I have a 13 year old step daughter that feels like she should be paid to keep her room clean, or to clean HER bathroom.....try again sister!!  We provide to ALL of their needs and most of their wants and then some......

There are a lot of things the girls could do with their mom that don't cost money.

LOL my daughter is only responsible for keeping her bed made and books off the floor. If she complains I tell her I will throw all her stuff out and she can sleep on the floor. it works :)

Wow, I can see everyones points!  The kids should do chores around the house and contribute without being paid!  Though, I understand if you want them to "earn" the money for a Mother's Day gift...give them chores that are beyond the keeping your room clean and taking out the garbage chores.  Like, maybe have them mow the lawn and sweep the garage and driveway or wash your cars.....something that will benefit you but isn't a part of something they should do everyday!  Also, making a gift for their mom would be a great idea!  They could make her a coupon book of things they could do for her at her choosing.  I also liked the making a lunch and taking her to the park to have some alone time with her!  Have them make a card instead of buying a card.  Hope you guys figure something out that makes sense to you both!