What do you say??

So, it just so happens that my husband and I introduced one of my really good friends to his brother. Well, they've been together ever since pretty much and they just got married last month. After she found out we were expecting, she decided that they were ready to start trying also and hopefully we could have little cousins close in age. Well, on Saturday she called me and told me she got her BFP and was so excited. She then called me on Monday morning in a panic because she was bleeding and spotting and was concerned. On Tuesday morning, she went and was given a pregnancy test at the clinic there in PA and they did blood work and scheduled her to have labs redone on Thursday to compare her hcg levels due to her bleeding. Well, she texted me last night that she was bleeding a lot and was heading to the ER. They informed her that her hcg level was 2.1 and that the ultrasound had no finding and and she had in fact had a miscarriage.

I'm troubled because I feel so horribly for her. I told her to take comfort in at least knowing she ovulates and she can get pregnant. There's no telling if this was a one time deal or if she will be able to carry to term, but my prayers are that she will in fact have that opportunity when God is ready for them, just like with my dealings with infertility and issues.

My question is- how can you try and console someone so close to you when this happens and you wourself are sitting there knowing that you're 20 weeks along and happily pregnant?? We talk almost every single day and were super close and I definitely don't want this to change the dynamic of our friendship. Should I avoid talking about the baby for a few weeks to give her time to heal? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm just so unsure of how to approach the topic as I've never had anything like this happen to anyone close to me. And then we hopefully find out the sex of our baby this coming Monday now and I want to share with her, but I don't want to upset her or make her even more sad at this time. This is a toughy for me!
Thanks Girls!

I'm so sorry to hear of your dear friend's loss. I would hold off on talking to her about your pregnancy for a bit. I think it would be best to give her a little pregnancy-free time as she emotionally and physically heals from the mc.

 Hey Kerri!! I agree with the last persons post!! I would wait to talk to her about pregnancy stuff for a lil bit until she is over being upset of the Mc. Sorry that had happened to her. I could not imagine how you are feeling either knowing you talked to her all the time and you feel bad. I know how Happy you are about your pregnancy. I am very happy about mine too and I had a friend who Mc at 14 weeks along and she was ahead of me and was due a few weeks before me. And here Im talking about how exciting I am about it and needless to say she did not ever say anything about having the Mc to me until like a few weeks ago.  

I posted a comment on her Facebook and asked how her baby was doing and she says..he stopped growing at 14 wks along and that it did not work out for her. Mind you I was talking to her online all the time and she did not say anything to me until then. Must be she got sick of me saying things to her Idk. But how am I suppose to know if she does not say anything and I felt horrible.

So how come the long wait on the Ultrasound? Thought you was having that a week ago? I am not on board very much but when I do get on I try to keep myself updated lol.  I did read the post you posted about having to wait another week for the Ultrasound...at first the way the post was lookin I was expecting to see that you found out you was having a girl and not a boy lol. I hope your luck is better than mine and you find out its a boy and not a girl. I swear i had the mommy's intuition that I was soo carrying a boy and when they keep telling me at the ultrasounds I have had its a girl....I just knew I was soo wrong. And here I am buying Pink and stuff and I swear this baby better come out a girl LOL> Cause you know they always can be wrong. 

Hey Dee! Ya this past Monday was hard to take, but compared to all that's going on now it feels minor in comparison. The ultrasound tech for my doctor's office had to take an unexpected leave of absence for the week due to a family emergency, so my ultrasound has been postpone. I only have to wait a few more days...next Monday at 3:20...so it was a little setback, but I'm hanging in there. To be completely honest too, I'm thinking it's a girl...don't ask me why or how come, but I just have a feeling deep inside the baby is a girl!! I'll be overjoyed either way now because I could be in my siter in law's shoes, but I'm not and I'll take it stride for stride from here on out :)

Thanks for the advice and we just gotta keep on truckin...were past half way so thats always a good sign!!! Only 4 more days and hopefully if baby cooperates this day we will have some gender answer to announce LOL

I went through the same thing with my coworker. She is of "advanced maternal age" but her fiance is 10 years younger than she is. They decided they didn't want to have kids. Then, they had an "oops" pregnancy and all of that changed. Then, she lost the baby at about 8 weeks. Since then, she's gotten pregnant 4 times (in the past year) and lost them all.

I got pregnant while she was pregnant at the same time. We were both happy for each other. When she lost her baby, I had no idea what to say or do other than to tell her how deeply sorry I was for her. I didn't talk about my own pregnancy at all out of consideration for her...

She told me immediately that she wanted me to know that she was still extremely happy for me and that she wanted me to tell her all about my milestones and appointments, etc. I really appreciated that she was forthcoming about it so I wouldn't have to tiptoe around the issue or worry about hurting her feelings.

Not everyone is as gracious as she was, and for some people, it might be like pouring salt in an open wound. I would just give her your support in any way you can and avoid talking about it until she lets you know that she's okay with it. Good friends are usually happy for each other, even when news is bittersweet.

The nice thing for my sister in law is that she's only 22, so I think she's got a lot of time left. She actually called me a little bit after I read your post and we got to talk a lot. She told me that even though she's sad about what her and her husband are going through she doesn't want me to feel like I have to stop telling her stuff and she needs me as a friend more than anything right now. She also expressed that even though she miscarried she feels that hearing me talk about our baby will make her not want to give up and keep on trying. I guess I had just assumed that she probably didn't want to talk at all about the miscarriage or my pregnancy when in fact she feels thats the exact therapy she needs. She's such a strong character and I just hope that together we can get her through it and she can get pregnant here soon and carry a helathy baby. I know she wants that more than anything. I didn't think she would want to talk about it all so soon, but she actally brought it up and begged me not to stop telling her stuff. I guess it's very true that we all deal with things in different ways. Thanks girl for the advice!

Hi Kerri,
As someone who just went through this, maybe I can give you some ideas. A lot of people who have heard the news, assume the couple want to be "left alone". This is not the case. Their loss is very real. Let your friend know you are there for her. Send her a nice "thinking of you" card, with maybe a GC for a restaurant or movie in it (if you can afford it). Lots of people say you can try again, but THIS baby is the one you dreamed of having, already picked out names, bedding ect. It is not replaceable. If she is having a very hard time, suggest she do something to honor her pregnancy like plant a nice flowering bush in her yard, or donating to the March Of Dimes foundation. Miscarriage is a so very real loss that is often never acknowledged by many. I had one 3 days ago and have not heard much from my family. I'm sure they don;t know what to say, but it still hurts. Try not to talk much about your pregnancy for a while with her, but don't avoid her, She needs support. Hope this helps :)

Thanks so much Chelle! She's suprisingly doing well this afternoon and she came right out and asked me not to stop telling her stuff. I'm going to take your advice though and just be here to listen and not talk about my pregnancy as much for a few days to give her time to take in exactly what is going on with her body. She said she had just gotten the positive news and had little time for it to soak in, but she wanted more than anything for this- their first attempt together- to happen for them and when she found out she was pregnant, finding out just 3 days later that it was over was hard, but not as hard as she thought. I actually used your case as an example of how unexpected things can happen and it horrible it has to be to go through regardless of whether we know for a few days or for a few weeks. She's taking it really well right now and I appreciate your advice! Hope you're doing well also!! Thanks again!