Please tell me I am not the only that feels like this...

As you know we are trying to get preg...and after 3 fertility treatments we decided to take a break for a few months and concentrate on losing more weight.. I still have like 70 lbs to lose.  I will be 42 in December.

Anyway...what I wanted to share was that last night I got an email from a very close friend of my family..this lady is like a second mom to me... I have always been very close to her and I confide more in her than my mom (long story but if you have read my previous posts regarding my family you might understand). Anyway, she is very special to me... last night she sent me an email that she has been wanting to write me for days but she didn't know how to or when to email me.  She knows about my dream of becoming a mom and she knows about my fertility road.  

Well, her daughter (who is in her 30's) is pregnant due in March and she didn't know how to tell me because she knows how bad I want to have a baby and didn't want to hurt me.  When I read her email I was really happy for her daughter and all her family but at the same time I felt depressed.  It was sort of a bittersweet feeling.  It's weird!!!! I have had coworkers that are pregnant, people that I know that have had babies recently but this one I really felt it.

Don't get me wrong... I am really really happy for them... as I would be for any of you that are trying to conceive.  I think to get pregnant is a blessing!!!!!!

The thing is I am not sure how to handle this... she told me before telling my mom (who she and my mom have been friends since they were in elementary school together) but I just hope that when I talk to my mom my mom will not make any comment about us giving them a grandchild.  They have done this in the past preop but after preop they have shut up.  However, before my time when I stopped talking to my mom every day..my mom tried fishing for information as to whether we would consider adoption. I know my mom and that was to try to get me to talk about if we will try to have children.

I am suspecting and I might be totally wrong...that she will tell me that this friend of ours is pregnant and she will try to use that as an excuse.  I really don't want to talk about that...and I sort of doubt that she will try to ask me given the cir****tances at the moment with them.

Hubby and I want to get pregnant because we love each other very much and it will be great to have a child from our love.  I have always dreamt to be a mom.  I just want 1 healthy baby...

Last night I had doubts if it will ever happen for me... The only thing that I am happy about in my life is that I am married to my hubby.  Careerwise.. I am not too happy with my job.. I feel like I am wasting my talent and my brain in the job that I currently have but I am too old and don't want to get in debt to switch careers (I am not even sure what I would do) and can't risk to take a paycut.. I want to move forward not backwards..right now I am in a pont in my life that I want to do the most I can with what I have.  I work for a brokerage firm so I am thinking to take the licenses for the industry and then maybe in the future I will be able to get what I am really worth.

My family life (with my parents/brother) is not the one that I really like or enjoy.  They don't respect me at all and that's why I have put distance between us.  Honestly, I wonder if those feelings I have had all my life is what contributed to my weight gain..but it doesn't matter anymore...

I am a grown woman happily married with the love of my life.. and I thank God for that.  If I wouldn't be married to hubby, I have no idea what I would be doing.  Now the only thing I ask Him is to give me the blessing of a baby.  I don't care in having the perfect career, or the perfect family life, or anything else.  Having the hubby I have (which of course he's not perfect but nobody is) and having a baby will suffice for me to feel happy and to feel that I have a purpose in life.

I do have 2 doggies..which are like our children...but I would be on top of the world if I could have a baby.

How do you guys handle when you see women close to you in your life that are able to get pregnant just like that? What thoughts go through your mind? How do you stop from been negative?

Thank you so much for your advice and for "listening".

Have a great day....

Good morning to you! 
I don't have a lot of advice, or magic words, but I did want to check in and say that I think you are handling the situation with grace. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you, and I have been reading your posts, and know that the struggle and stress really can wear you down - as it would anyone! I really feel that it will happen for you ... and I wish there was a way for you to just get rid of the things that bring you stress and negativity ... at this time in your life, you really deserve to be stress-free and open. I know it sounds nutso, but have you ever tried hypnotherapy? It sounds sort of spacy, but a good hypnotherapist might be able to help you clear out your proverbial closet of the stress and bad juju your family brings ... Just a thought. Much support & Love!

I don't know about hypnotherapy, but therapy in itself might be extremely helpful. I have been where you are and I have seen the negativity get worse. Walk by a 16 year old in walmart whose pregnant yet? I remember being so mad that they got to be pregnant and I didn't. What right did they have? what life was that for that baby? Oh, it was bad. I might also suggest some happy pills (there are some you can take while ttc and prego that are safe). Stress is not good for ttc or for being preggers. I would also be very frank with your mom about how she makes you feel. I don't know how receptive she'd be, but I am a in your face kinda person, and I would just tell her.

Good luck hun, we all know it's hard.

I think depression/envy/despair are normal feelings when someone close becomes pregnant when you are struggling.  I may be happy for the person, but sad for me that it hasn't happened yet.  I am pretty sure it is normal.

As for the "what if never happens?"  That is a tough one to reconcile in the emotional part of the brain.  Primary infertility (never having had a bio child) has many steps like that of death:

Denial
Anger/Guilt
Bargaining
Despair/Depression
Acceptance

Everyone moves through them at a different place.  Some women can stay stuck in depression in a few years, where others can be stuck in anger/guilt, etc.  I am not sure I will ever go through bargaining, personally....and right now I waiver between anger/despair.  I am not one to be prone to depression and still am not.  Through all of it though, I have never lost all hope.

I think your feelings are totally normal. Jealousy is a very real and valid feeling, especially in your shoes (TTC). I only tried for 3 months. I was anticipating fertility issues though, since we have been together 3 years and never careful. But in those short 3 months, it was an emotional roller coaster and I would even be jealous of the pregnant teenagers in the mall. Did you ever read "Mixed Blessing's from Danielle Steele? It is about 3 couples who are struggling with fertility and pregnancy. It may be helpful or give you some insight. But, I think your feelings are totally normal, and I hope things work out the best for you (soon!)

Your feelings are normal and valid. 

The first time I got pregnant, my two unmarried teenage nieces with minimum wage part time jobs got pregnant around the same time "accidentally". 

Meanwhile, my husband and I who are responsible, financially stable grown ups with good jobs had been trying for 6 years to have a child.  I miscarried and they both went on to have perfect, healthy babies.  I could not look at them for a long time.  When the first one had her baby I couldn't bring myself to go to the hospital where the rest of the family was...it was just too hard.  By the time the second one had her baby, I was pregnant again and just the time that had passed made it easier so I was there for the birth.

I still struggle with how unfair it is that it's so easy for the people it shouldn't be easy for and so hard for the truly deserving.

I don't really have any advice for dealing with the jealousy, I just want to validate your feelings and tell you you're not alone.

I feel for you and think you are handling things very well despite how difficult it is.
It sounds like a lot of people feel the same way.
I know I do! I have a husband, house, we both have careers... I am SOOOO ready to get pregnant! But I can't because I am so overweight and am totally infertile. :(
So, I'm doing what I can do to try and change things in the future. I am having a revision from band to sleeve in 3 days! It sucks that I will have to wait a whole year to start TTC again, but I'm going to try very hard to be patient. My younger sister already has 2 kids and is considering a third. She is not in the position to have anymore children at all. My husband's brother and his fiance are getting married in July and plan to start TTC right after. They both have minimum wage part time jobs and can't afford their rent in a 2 bedroom apartment. Family is paying for this huge, beautiful, fancy wedding. They even paid for the custom made engagement ring. I sometimes feel literally sick with envy. I'm sure they will get preggo right away because she is thin and totally charmed in all other aspects of life.

You and I can be in this together! We are both working on losing weight to help us concieve in the future. I know it works for many people, why not us, right?

I had a friend who had tried to get pregnant for years.  When her sister, whom she was very close to, got preganant my friend was so frustrated and upset that she couldn't go to her sister's baby shower.  It sounds like you're in a similar situation... the person who is pregnant is someone you love and care about very much.  I think it is TOTALLY normal to have conflicting feelings about her pregnancy (happy for her and sad that it's not you).  If you can afford it, hypnotherapy, therapy or accupuncture may help relieve some of your stress and assist in getting pregnant.  I have a friend who struggled to get pregnant and lost her first pregnancy 10 or 12 weeks in.  Then she couldn't get pregnant.  When she lowered her stress, *poof* she was pregnant immediately!  She has since had two healthy pregnancies... both in her late 30's.

*hugs*