I need help.. I don't know what to ask...what to do next...

I was supposed to test on Tuesday to see if this 3rd cycle was the lucky one, but I did it today..just to see if that hormone was still showing.. Well, I took the test and it was obviously negative.

I feel very discouraged and almost out of options.  When we went to the RE he put me on this treatment of Femara, Follistim and Ovidrel.. He mentioned at the time he doesn't do it for more than 4 cycles because the possibility after the 4th cycle doesn't increase.

We have an appt with him on Wednesday and I want to ask him lots of questions.  I want to know what other options we have.  The only thing I remember was that he said that he didn't feel optimistic about IVF but I don't remember if he said a reason.. I was too shocked with the news that the treatment was going to be more aggresive than he thought.

I always dreamt of having a child... I love my husband sooooo much...there is nothing that will make me happier than having a child with him.  The only thing that keeps me going everyday is that I love him so dearly, he is my soulmate.  

My family situation as you know from my posts sucks.. and I am keeping distance from them..they are way too negative and pesimistic.  My career... I am unhappy with it... I am working at a financial institution doing what I call grunt work... I have a MBA but I have no desire to become a manager where I am... absolutely NONE.  I really don't like what I do but I have been putting that on hold for the plans of conceiving a child and because I don't think it's a good idea to look for a new job while trying to get preggo.

However, if I can't become pregnant, I do want to do something else with my life...but what??? I am not sure... I will be 42 in December and don't want to incur a super huge debt in student loans to make a career switch.

Some of the options I thought about that I am interested in... are... massage therapist, becoming a hair dresser, some type of therapist..physical..occupational.. (but not sure about those because I think I might need to do a practicum and can't afford just leaving my job).  It has to be something to try to start on the side.  I like creativity, I would like to be away from a sitting/desk job for 8 hours a day every day.... something with helping people.

I don't know... today I am feeling very emotional.... I just feel the hope of becoming pregnant is slipping through my fingers and I can't do anything about it.  I would adopt in a heartbeat but hubby is hesitant about it..although I don't know if he might change his mind once we have tried all our options.

What I need help with is... tell me some of the questions that you have asked your RE? I just want to start a list of questions for the Dr so that I know and understand everything.  Our appt is on Wednesday afternoon.  I know I am going to be very emotional after that visit...I can just sense it.

What type of work do you all do? This question is for me...just to have some brainstorming ideas for future career change.

Take care.. thanks for "listening"

FIrst of all, all hope is not lost, you might still be pregnant and it's just too early to POAS. I know that in your heart, you really haven't given up that hope. I remember not giving it up until my period really started to flow. There are women here, who have been trying to concieve for years... like 14 years. They have walked in your shoes and understand your pain.

As for the career change, yes it would suck to get a new job and then find out you're pregnant, but if you keep waititng to get pregnant than you may be stuck in that unhappy job for some time. On the other hand in my experience if you switch careers... you'll probably get pregnant. (Not that science changes, but my luck tends to run that way! I barely have been in this job long enough to get FMLA).

I work currently as a nursing assistant in a nursing home. Some facilities offer training programs that will cover your schooling and give you a job. The healthcare field is always hiring.

I know that you are upset and emotional.... and you have every right to be, but don't give up hope yet. it's not over yet.

Victoria,

Thank you for your post... is it possible that is still too early? I thought that once is negative is negative.  I understand that other women have been trying to conceive for years but I don't have the luxury of a lot of years...

As for the career change, I didn't know there were places like that.. that they would pay your training program to cover schooling and give you a job... I am attracted to the healthcare industry anyway.

I talked to hubby about my concerns for Wed appt....he told me that if Dr doesn't seem too aggressive going forward...we'll just go to another RE.. so that gives me more hope.
Well... see what happens...

Does the dr feel the problem w/getting pregnant lie with you  because of your age (don't throw a shoe at me...I'm older than you!), or are there other issues?  If they think it's with you...would you and DH consider a donor egg?  Or how about 'adopting' an embryo if it's w/DH's boys?  You'd still have the experience of a pregnancy and birth...and though the baby might not 'biologically' be yours...s/he'd still be yours.  I guess what I'm saying is...w/o knowing WHY the dr's put you on all the drugs (and you've been on more than I was during my IUIs), why he feels IVF might not work...it's hard to give a clue where to go next.  Talk to your dr...take GOOD notes - get DH to take notes too so you both can compare and see if one catches what the other misses - so you know exactly what's going on.  I know the whole procedure sucks...but try to put the breaking down until after the appt so that you're able to get as much information about the situation as possible. 

If the dr is simply saying s/he believes the problem is your age...unless s/he's got proof to back up that you're low on eggs (ie low ovarian reserves...very high FSH), I'd suggest finding another dr and getting a 2nd opinion.  Drs - especially in the U.S., but trust me, it's world wide - tend to think that once you hit 40 you should be in a wheelchair and will never be able to get pregnant on your own - and that it's not likely to happen even with assistance.  I'm here to tell you that that is bull****  I am 42 1/2 (told you I was older than you!)...I've been pregnant five times now in a little over 2 1/2 years - and yes, I'm a miscarrying pro, but they think that's a combination of old eggs, bad luck and several blood clotting mutations I have.  By the going 'statistics,' I shouldn't even be getting pregnant once...let alone 5 times.  Only one of my five pregnancies that ended in miscarrage was by IUI.  The other four were all 'natural' pregnancies.  My guess - while not having been in your dr appt with you - is that they're saying the IVF isn't likely to work because of your age because they'd be 'harvesting' less eggs than a 'spring chicken' would be producing...but all you need is one good egg...so even if they were only able to harvest 2-3 eggs, fertilize and freeze them until the next month and get a few more eggs until they had a few good ones to put back...then you might want to consider that (if the donor egg/adopting an embryo is not an option...which it's not for me...it's a personal situation/choice you and DH would have to make). 

Your plan to make a list of questions is a good one.  It'll help ensure that you don't forget to ask anything.  Don't be afraid to ask the dr if you don't understand what s/he says, either.  That's what they get paid for - to explain what is going on...why they are making the recommendations they are, etc. 

Regarding the job...I don't know where to tell you to look, other than Victoria's suggestion for health care is a good option.  It would be a position of helping someone, and if the nursing homes help out with the education, at least you wouldn't be unemployed while going to school. 

Good luck...prayers for good news.  Don't give up on this month's cycle yet either...it ain't over until the old age is visiting. 

(Just as a note of encouragement....one of my best friends, who's 8 months older than I am, had her second child a year ago...at the age of 42.  So there are women out there our ages having babies.  My friend's baby is healthy and beautiful...so it CAN happen.)

Hi Holly,

Thank you for your post... Honestly I don't remember what is the exact problem with me.. I was still in shock when he said he had to be more aggresive than what he originallly thought when we went to the first appt.  I don't think that I would consider a donor egg...and don't think hubby would like that..  We are going to ask him why he thinks that IVF might not be an option, he was pretty pesimistic and he didn't even mentioned IUI which I will ask him on this appt.

About the career change....hubby thinks I should wait...we don't want to add more stress to the situation.  I am extremely attracted to something in the healthcare field.. I have even considered massage therapy.  I could start on the side after I am done with school.

I have heard so many stories and have personal friends about that they were biologically impossible to conceive and they did.  I understand there are miracles out there...and it's okay to listen to them...but I don't want to get my hopes up.  The higher I get my hopes up, the harder it will be to accept if my biggest dream of having a baby doesn't happen.

I am still praying a lot and I still have some hope but it's just hard to understand why it doesn't happen.

Make sure in the appt on Wednesday that you do find out what the dr's reasons are for being more aggressive.  The more information you have, the more research you can do to find out what your options are.  Just think...if you don't know what you're fighting against, you won't know how to arm yourself. 

I wish I could promise you that all the hope in the world would bring about a miracle...but I've been slapped to the ground so many times myself...I'm finding hope of a successful pregnancy hard to hold onto.  I just keep my fingernails in there holding onto 'hope's' shirt tail...because if I don't, it's pretty apparent it's not going to happen.  What I can tell you is that you need to be your best advocate...ask questions until YOU understand what the dr's saying.  If you don't like his answer - or he can't explain his answer in a way that makes it clear to you what he means - then find someone who can.  Getting a second opinion is not a bad thing and not a sign that you don't trust your dr...you just want to make sure you're getting the best/most appropriate care for youir condition. 

I hope you have a good appt on Wednesday...and get some answers as to where you go next.

My two cents- for what it's worth....

As far as the fertility issue- call your dr and get your diagnosis over the phone. Talk to the nurse if you have to- pick up your records in person if they can't call. Find out what's going on and research on your own what your options are. Get back to see the dr as soon as you can. I am hoping that this will all be for naught as you have just tested too early and you are already pregnant. I can't imagine what you're going through. When I got my IUD removed I waited a few months before trying and it was the longest time of my life.

As far as employment- I used to be a hairdresser and then went back to school to become a speech language pathologist (speech therapist). I wasn't sure which field of rehabilitation I wanted to get into so I called our local children's hospital and shadowed them for a bit and watched each discipline. I felt a sense of peace when I saw what the speech therapists were doing. I called the universities that afternoon and found out which ones offered a communication sciences degree. I asked questions from secretaries and the chairs until I found the college I was most comfortable with. The chair at Texas Woman's University gave me the most comforting answers so I told him that I'd be by in the morning to register. He accepted me into the program over the phone with the contingency that my GPA was exactly as I had stated. I went the very next day and registered.

My point is: research your options. Don't pick a field that sounds good, make sure its what you really think it is. When you find it don't wait on a bunch of "what-ifs". Life is too short and you may not get another chance to pursue your dreams. Life is defintely too short to work at a job you hate. I gave up a $22,000 raise this summer to go back to my previous employer because I couldn't stand what I was doing. Do what you love and love it while you are doing it! There are leveling classes offered at some universities. You would take a few classes on the bachelor's level to get your degree in communication sciences. My master's degree was done at night and my practicum was done during the day while I was working as a speech therapist. Lots of masters degree programs offer night classes and on the job practicum.

Good luck! I am praying for you!