OT- Need advice. Long

Before I got pregnant DH and I were planning on moving to PA.  DH works there because he co-owns a business there so getting a job closer to home is not an option.  We were living in Brick NJ for a year and a half in an apartment, paying 1,000 dollars a month for a 600 sq foot one bedroom.  We were living there while I finished college. 

When I got pregnant in August, we were looking at houses and apartments in PA.  My mom said we could move to her house, my old house, rent free (we give her 200 a month to help with utilities).  It's a 3,000 sq ft house with plenty of room for us and the baby.  DH and I have our room down stairs, and Sage has her bedroom upstairs.  We spent money on repainting both rooms and making adjustments to the house.  Most of our stuff from the apartment is still packed in the basement because there is no room for it (living room stuff, kitchen stuff, couch, kitchen table ect...)  The problem with this is it's an extra 100 miles a week than where we were, that's 80 miles to work each way (It was 70 miles from where we lived before).  We spend over 500 dollars a month on gas, just to and from work.  Not to mention now he has only a few hours at night to spend with Sage.

I wanted to stay at my house at least a year, but I've lived on my own at college since I was 18, then with Russ at the apartment for a year and a half.  Being at home with my mom, step dad, sister, brother and my sister boyfriend who was just kicked out of his house and is now sleeping off our couch is starting (well it started longgg ago) to get on my nerves.  Also, I am a very, VERY clean person, everyone else who lives here, not so much.  I used to clean the apartment every single day, that's just how I am.  It is too much to clean this house every day, esp with a baby now, but when I clean it, it's messy again in 2.4 seconds, between my step dad who I dislike not cleaning up after himself and wearing his shoes around the house 24.7 and my 12 year old brother.

Anyway, we would have to move to PA when we do.  We are planning on buying a modular home and putting it on a foundation on Russell's parents property, but if we left now we would be renting for a little bit.  Every time I mention moving my mom gets really upset.  I try telling her we will come down like once a week with the baby, but she keeps making me feel guilty.  It's not my mom I want to move away from, but I NEED my own space.  DH has a huge family in PA so I would not be alone, plus my best friend from college lives right up there.  But I feel guilty taking Sage away from my mom, sister and only cousin who are completely in love with this baby.

Am I wrong to take the baby away from them?  Should I feel guilty wanting to move to PA.  It would be better for our family if we did.  We would save the gas money, miles on the car, and Russ would be able to spend way more time with Sage.  I am so torn, but I can'****ch Russ drive 2 hours each way to work for much longer, plus I need him to be around more now.  Please give some outsiders guidance!

Thanks Karen

I don't think its wrong at all for you to want your space as a family. Also that drive is horrible. I feel bad for your hubby. I would die if I had to drive 4 hours a day.
I would have a very hard time around all the people. I did not even want people to visit at first with my DD. When you have a newborn you just wanna find the groove. Your family will always love you. I say do what is best for you and your hubby.
(((Hugs)))

It sounds to me like you need to move closer to work. I know I drive 40 minutes each way and the gas money is killing me. Seeing family once a week is a good amount. I am really close to my family and I think that once a week is still pretty good. You need to do what's right for you, your hubby, and baby. It sounds like your hubby will be able to see the baby more too if you lived closer to his work. That's just my opinion though.
On a different note, I don't know if you'll be going to work anytime soon or not, but think about child care expenses also. If family is close by and willing to watch the baby you might have to consider that expense too. It's all about balancing time with family or hubby and balancing finances too.
Sorry, that probably wasn't much help. Just wanted to throw that in there too though as something else to consider.

Hiya,
Your main concern now should be your family, as in your daughter and husband. If you can afford to have your own space, then by all means move. It is hard on a marriage to co-op with other family members, no matter how nice and well meaning they are! Just try and assure your mom you will try and see her as much as possible. Good luck!

The guilt trip really isn't fair from your mom because your husband suffers as a result not seeing Sage because of the terrible commute.  Not to mention I am sure you must miss him a lot too.  To be honest if you break down the money I think you may not be saving that much living with your mom.  You have to take into account not just the gas, but wear and tear on a vehicle, and how much your husbands time is worth.  Good luck with your decision.

Move... move now! There are so many pros to this situation that says just to go and move on with your life has a family. Of course your family will miss Sage because they are used to you all being around all the time. But, you're not that far away from them to visit or for you to visit. Your family is important but your husband's time with Sage is much more important! It's time for you all to move on with your life, get your own home and start living as one happy family just the 3 of you. If you move now, the renting is just a temporary thing... the money you spend in gas could be your rent until the house is ready. I say do it... you need it and your husband deserves that quality time with Sage.


Karine

Karen,

Bless your heart for caring so much about your mom's emotional well-being!  I truly mean that.

But, you are a wife & mother yourself now, and your #1 primary responsibility is to your family.  Your hubby & baby.  You have to do what is best for them.  You do not mean it to hurt your mother (but you cannot stop her from taking it in a hurtful way, there is nothing you can do to control the way she feels)

Sage needs her daddy more than she needs her Grammy.  Trust me on this.  (And she will still be seeing her grandma, so it's not like she will not be loved by her)  But she truly does need to have a dad there for her, and not working/driving mad hours...  he'd be too tired to engage with his family, and that's not what any of you need.

Ugh I totally know your situation. When I had my son Cameron I was 20 years old and a single Mom and had to live with my parents for about 2 years. I loved having my son so close to my Mom. But then it started to feel like there were two Mom's. I ended up moving 3 hours from home so my son could be closer to his Father. It was SO hard on my Mom. But in the end it worked out for the best!  And they are still super close. Just now she is the Nana. Good luck!! But the move sounds to be the best idea!!

Jackie

Good luck with this...sounds like a tough one.

All I can think about is what Dr. Laura Schlessinger would say: "Are you your mother's daughter, or your daughter's mother and husband's wife?" You have your own family to think about.

I know, easier said than done!!

Best wishes, whatever you decide.

TOTALLY not wrong!! You are a wife and a Mommy and you have to do what's best for your family. Your Mom will still get to see Sage - the highway goes both ways, she can come visit you at any time too. I know if I were to move home my parents would be over the moon but it might not be what was best for my family now. If it is close enough for Russ to drive every day for work it's close enough for your family to come to visit - you to go see them regularly.

Family issues are always though *hugs* hang in there!!

Liz