Just a thought. Semi OT

My sister-in-law just had a miscarriage. She would have been due a month after me and while it was nice to be the only one due in 2010 I really am sad about Punkin not having a cousin close in age.  And I have cried for her since I know what it's like. I am also the only one on both sides of the family that has had one. I really can't help too much since I don't want to flaunt the baby belly in her face. I already told her if she didn't show up for my shower and to see the baby I really did understand. The good news is that we are on opposite holiday schedules now so she doesn't ahve to worry about seeing Punkin at Thanksgiving or Christams.

Here is my thought, I am thinking about trying to start a support group for women who have miscarriages. I wouldn't be able to do anything until after the baby is born since that would be a slap in the face to the women who just had a loss. But I figured between now and then I could find out what needs to be done and get things all ready to go as soon as I feel up to starting it. I know there are NO support groups for miscarriages in the Hartford Ct area. I know, I checked. The closest thing we have are ones for bereavement. I think we have different needs with a miscarriage than regular death.

I just want you to know that the way you are dealing with it is one of the most considerate things I've seen in a long time.  I have had 3 miscarriages in the last year and I know that people have a hard time dealing with it when they haven't been through it.  I've had some of the worst comments made to me by people that are supposed to love me.  Also, telling her that you understand if she doesn't show for your shower and knowing it would be hard on the holidays is so amazing.  My husbands SIL got preg right after I did the 2nd time and she was due 3 days after me and I've had nothing but stuff rubbed in my face for the last 9 months.  The holidays were the worst knowing I should have had a baby there with me or be pregnant again at the least.  All they did was talk about her baby (which I understand she has the right to be happy, but we had the right to grieve too) and his MIL gave her the little heart monitor so she could hear the babies heart beat.  I know that stuff like this should be fun, but the thing is, they could have done it on a day other than Thanksgiving.  We drove 2 hours to be there and they live 10 minutes apart.  They just don't get it and both her and my MIL have been through miscarriages.  When they talk about her baby all the time you'd think they could stop sometimes to ask us how we're doing...but they don't.  And we've tried mentioning it to them berfore.  It's useless. 

I think starting a support group is a great idea and there are many woman out there that will appreciate it so much.  I wish we had something like that here because most people that surround us just don't know what to say.  Thanks for your post because it's people like you that remind me that people do care. 

Holidays are the worst! I was miserable this past Thanksgiving since there is a cousin that was born a year before I was due with the first pregnancy. I got crap from our in-laws (we married brothers) and it just made me even worse. And the person that said it had a stillborn. You would have thought she understood but nope.

I feel for you having to deal with the SIL and MIL. And I am amazed that you are still sane after 3 in one year. I nearly lost it after mine. The worse was 6 months later. I was almost hospitalized over it. You are one strong woman!

Kathy, I think it's a great idea! Since I live so close to you and have been through 2 m/c's as well, I would be more than willing to help you in any way.

I also think you are handling your SIL's m/c wonderfully. You are so sensitive to it and I think she must appreciate that very much.

Tina

Thanks Tina! I will keep you in mind when things get rolling.

I think its a GREAT idea, BUT I have to warn you that it is extremely emotionally draining and difficult to do something like this. I am the daughter of an addict and I run a support group for children of addicts and there are times where I don't even want to show up b/c I am just not sure I can handle another sad story or holding the hand of yet ANOTHER person who has been wounded. I also have training and it is STILL hard for me to deal with or sometimes find the right words to say so that I don't hurt anyone's feelings.

You have to be prepared that everyone is not always going to see eye to eye and that can end up hurting feelings too (like I have one person in my group who does not feel that children of food addicts belong in our group b/c she does not feel that food addiction is "real", and you might come across women who feel an early m/c does not hurt as much as say a second trimester loss, and things can get ugly fast).

I think you have an amazing heart, as seen in your reaction to not only your own loss but to the loss of your cousin also, and I think you would be an amazing support group leader, but I just caution you to read up on some techniques on how to deal with differnt personality types and which leadership styles you feel comfortable with.

Good luck, and don't hesitate to email me if you are looking for resources or ways to get things started.

I am going to try to get in touch with the hospital my OB's are affliated with and see if I can get assistance there.