Quad Screen and insensitive husband (long)

A couple of things:

You are pregnant and it is your body--you ultimately make the decisions on what tests to take and what not to take--no one else.

This is a screening--the results are NOT a diagnosis and therefore cannot be accurate

The only way to have an actual diagnosis is to have an amniocentesis if the screening shows there is a potential for a problem.

Good luck.  I really feel for you.

Unless you're just a surrogate...you're the one with the say so right now on what goes on with your body - whi*****ludes your baby.  Your husband cannot force you to terminate the pregnancy if God forbid something comes up that MIGHT be wrong.  He can give his two cents, you can consider it and talk about it, but ultimately...it's YOUR decision.  Same thing with even doing the tests...YOUR decision. 

Whatever you do - take the tests or not; if you did, depending on the results, if you terminated or not, or not...make sure you're doing what YOU want to do, because ultimately, your the one going to be living with all those decisions. 

Honestly...I agree that you both need to get some counseling or sit down for a long heart -to-heart...because you both seem to be operating not even on different pages, but in different books about what you want in life and what you want for this baby.  

If your husband's still not happy with the pregnancy...fine, he can work his way around it, but if he's pushing for any excuse to terminate...and you did it because you felt pressured, you would  never forgive him and that would destroy your marriage.

If you are not comfortable with these tests...don't do them.  If you would not terminated - at your own decision - based on those results - don't do them.  Would it be easy to raise a handicapped child?  No.  Would having a handicapped child end your marriage?  I don't know, but it would have to be something you'd have to consider. 

I know I may sound harsh...and I really don't mean to, but to me, your husband sounds like he's being very selfish in this whole matter.  Not because he wants the tests to see if the baby's handicapped and/or wants you to terminate if there is something that comes up as 'wrong,' but because he's overriding and/or just totally disregarding what you may want...and just assuming that because he wants it, that makes it so.  If you feel firmly enough about it...you need to stamp your foot down and let him know that at least in this matter...it ain't so. 

Stick to your guns, do what YOU want, what YOU feel is right, and what YOU can life with.  This is one instance where his opinion is just that...an opinion...not a decision maker.

Thanks so much for the words of encouragement and some kicks in the butt.

If it comes down to it, I have seriously considered taking our baby and leaving my husband as opposed to terminating the pregnancy. I very much love my husband, and have for 15 years, but he really is pretty insensitive. Not just with this. A lot of you guys are right, there are other issues.

I have a lot to think about. TRYING not to stress, I know it's not good for the baby...

Thanks again.

Hi there,

I agree with a lot of the other ladies when they say it's your body therefore it's your choice. But in all honesty, it does sound as if he's looking for excuses about the baby. That's not fair to you or this baby!

I had an insensitive & completely childish husband too (notice I said HAD). Although not the easiest decision to make, I asked him to leave because I was not going to raise a baby in a messed up relationship. We seperated at the 3 month mark of my pregnancy and my son is now 17 months old. The divorce is hopefully going 2 be final soon and he has YET to even make an effort to see this little boy. He is paying child support though only because he was MADE to do so. But whatever, it's HIS loss!

With that being said, I think you know in your heart that things are probably not going to change. I know that I did and I will tell you that it was the best decision I've ever made. I would NEVER consider terminating a pregnancy just because the man didn't want the baby. If you have to, be strong and walk away with your chin held high. It can be done. I am living proof!

My comment may be harsh but it is a way to put it perspective....

If your child at two years old gets Leukemia, are you going to kill the child because it will be difficult? No, you will fight and be there for your child. Would it be emotional, difficult to go through treatments, and financially hard - well yes. But you will do it because that is what is required.

On the same token, if you were hit by a bus tomorrow and you were paralyzed, would he be there? Or vice versa, if you he were paralyzed would you be there. When you love someone, you are there for them in thick and thin.

I say all this to make you understand that nothing is 100% set to be ok in life. Life can change in an instant. It took me 10 years to conceive a child. My husband and I decided that whatever God intended for us we would be blessed with. Now, I am pregnant and there is nothing that would make me terminate it. Having a child doesn't mean it will be perfect and not have any abnormality, disease, or need something.

The two of you  need to talk and see what he is feeling. Is he scared due to his age? Is he worried about being a parent again? 

I don't mean to be mean, I just wanted you to see it in a different light that maybe you could explain to your hubby.

Traci

Traci,
Thanks! I don't take anything you say as "mean". Just honest.

I have felt guilty many times just for getting pregnant, when it wasn't planned. I know there are so  many people like you who have tried and tried and would give anything to have a baby, no matter what.

Honestly with the talking we have done, I think my husband thinks it would make him look bad if he had an "imperfect" child. He thinks the three children he already has are God's gift to the Earth! (believe me, far from it) They may look fine and have no learning disabilities, but they are not that good of people. But I guess that's okay...(sigh)

This too shall pass, one way or the other...

Well how would your husband feel if people found out you had an "imperfect" marriage and left him for being such an insensitive man!  I am so sorry you have to put up with this and mean no disrespect but really, an "imperfect" baby? How many of us are really "perfect?" 15 years is a long time and i am sure you love him but on the other hand it sounds like you need to put yourself and the baby first- not some insensitive man who obviously cares about what everyone else feels except for the woman he loves and the baby he made. I am so sorry i have no advice for you other then going to counseling with him which doesn't seem like an option because you said he wouldn't go already.

Even if those tests come back as "all good" there is still a chance of birth defects.
 
What if the baby has a big nose or big ears? How is he going to feel then?

You should be enjoying your first pregnancy not worrying about anything else but you and your baby. Hang in there and i wish you the best.

hugs,

Hi,

I generally just lurk around here since I had my son about 8 months ago. But since no one gave you any actual numbers I thought I would help you out a little bit. The screenings are only 70% accurate. This means that in every 100 people that they say the results aree positive, 30 of them are false positives. This also goes the same way that in ever 100 people given a no, 30 are actually yes. These tests are pretty non accurate as far as something this important goes. IF your screenings come back with an annomally, you should ask for a aminocentisis. When they pull fluid out the accuracy is more like 99% accurate.

That being said, I agree with the person who said that perhaps you and your husband should seek some counceling. The environment you are living in isn't exactly healthy and bringing any baby into it isn't going to help the two of you see eye-to-eye. Again, that being said, I have worked with the mentally and physically handicapped for the past 6 years. They are amazing people and are capable of living great lives. This is a link to a short film that the national down's syndrome association produced a couple years ago and it played at sundance. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_-P4t2jR1g

you should watch it. (personally i think everyone should watch it!) It might help a little bit if you do have to think about making a hard decision. I hope this helps, and you really sound like you could use a hug!
~Victoria

Victoria,

Thanks for the numbers. I was going to ask the lab the same question when I go later. I don't know if they'll know the answer, but we'll see.

I'm scared to death of an amnio. Needles are one of my biggest fears, and then there's the risk to the baby. I just don't know...

I don't think my husband would get counseling if his life depended on it. That would be admitting that we had some kind of problem!! He has himself on a bit of a pedestal...

OH--I watched the video!! LOVED IT!! Everyone should see that!

Thanks so much!

I can totally empathize on the fear of the amino, but if you are considering ending the pregnancy I would suggest getting the amino that way you are 100% sure that the results are accurate.

Please, no one flame me, I am not in anyway for ending a pregnancy, I am extremely anti-abortion. However, I wish people who make those kinds of decisions would make them with all of the information.

I can understand that your husband won't go to counseling, I know many people like that... but perhaps you should seek individual help on how to deal with the situation. I don't really know. It's hard.

Thank you for watching the video, as you can see, "those people" live full lives that they are so proud of! I cry everytime I watch it. I can normally only hold out to the point where the young man says "i am proud of who I am today." Everyone who is faced with rasing a disabled child needs to know how much of a wonderful life they can have. I understand that not everyone can handle raising these special kids, but that's what adoption is for. :)

I hope you are worrying for nothing, it would make it all so much easier for your relationship with your husband.

If I can be of any more help, feel free to let me know.
~Victoria