Quad Screen and insensitive husband (long)

Hi ladies. The  main reason I'm posting this here is because I have no one else to (haven't told anyone about the pregnancy) talk to and you'll all understand better than anyone else anyway.

I go in today for the Quad Screen blood draw. I'm so scared and nervous for the results, which will take a week or so to get back. My husband said if the baby is not "perfect" we aren't going to have it! I'm just so shocked and disappointed by his thinking. Of course, he already had three grown kids from his first marriage. I've never been pregnant before and this will be the last, no matter what. (we are older)

I'm sure you all don't remember, but when I first learned I was pregnant, my husband was less than thrilled. I know he didn't want more kids, but he didn't do anything to prevent it either. I'm still having a hard time getting him to warm up to the idea. I'm afraid this test is an excuse for him to "get rid" of the pregnancy. I don't know...

On that note...for those of you who've had the test done, do you know the accuracy of the tests? What is the error rate? I've heard of people getting a false positive for Downs Syndrome or Spina Bifida, then having a perfectly healthy baby. What if I get a false positive and terminate for no reason?? I just don't know if I can stomach this!!! I'm seriously considering keeping any "bad news" results from my husband. I know that's a serious breach of trust, but what would you do??!!!??

Thanks for listening ladies.

 Why not just decline the quad test and let whatever will be happen.  I'm sorry your husband is being so insensitive and it does sound like he doesn't have very much interest in this pregnancy.  I wish you the best.

My doctor asked if we wanted the test (both of us there) and my husband said "yes". I said "I guess we do". So, I'd really be going against his wishes if I declined now. I'm kind of between a rock and a hard place. All I can really hope for is good news.

I feel like such a jerk even posting about this. I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING against children that have birth defects. I would love my child no matter what! I don't want anyone thinking I'm heartless. It's just my husband. In his words "it wouldn't be fair to the child. Who would want to live like that?" I know plenty of very happy kids who go on to have good lives! 

Sorry...he's an insensitive b^&)%$!

I think the problem is that both of you don't agree on waht steps to take if you find a defect, it doesn't necessarily make him an insensitve #$%#$% for wanting to not keep the baby. He might be an insensitive $#%@#$% for not listening to you.

Even before we tried to have a child, my husband and I sat down and tlaked about every possible contingency, what if the Down's test came back positive, what if they saw something wrong at the gender ultrasound, and we both agree on the steps we'd take. We both have the same mindset as your husband BUT that's where the problem is. You don't.

Maybe sugegst going to a councelor who can act as the mediator and you guys can have a discussion without getting accusatory or calling each other names? It is important to discuss this before the baby's born. What if the baby is born with a defect and you are willing to raise it with all your love and care and your husband isn't? That would be awful for the family.

I can't help you with information regarding the tests... but I have also heard of false positives.

As far as your husband goes... well, if he were my husband, I'd be really upset.  I hope you discuss this with him at length.  He may already have three kids, but this is YOUR first.  It takes two to make a baby.  If he didn't want more kids, he should have been more proactive about it and told you how he felt before you committed yourself to him.  THAT is a breach of trust, as far as I'm concerned... especially if you have always made it clear to him that you wanted to have a baby.

I don't know what the rest of your marriage is like, and if he is supportive in other ways, so I can't really judge him.  But I hope you guys have a lengthy discussion about this.

Sorry, but he can't MAKE you terminate if you don't want to, and he is also not autorized to say YES to any medical tests that YOU don't want to take.

My husband was not thrilled that I turned down all testing because he does not like to be surprised and wanted time to make emotional adjustments if something was "wrong", but my body, my uterus, my decision. I said NO and that was the end of the story.

I think this is really a tough one. On one hand, if it ended up that the tests came back with bad news and you terminated the pregnancy, you'd probably resent your husband for a very long time and that take a huge toll on your marriage. On the other hand, if you keep secrets from him, that would also take a toll on your marriage. On the third hand (yes, there are 3 hands) even if everything comes back great, it sounds like your hubby just doesn't want a baby which will also take a toll on your marriage. It's so hard with these things because you can't change hs mind. I am so frustrated for you because it seems like no matter what you do, you can't win. I know you want your baby to come into a world where he/she is loved and adored. And I know you already love and adore your little one. I hope your hubby will come to a place where he is so excited to meet his little one and that you can begin to be happy about your pregnancy. I am so sorry you are going through this!

Tina

Hey girl. Ok.  I had my quad done at 15 weeks.  My doctor doesnt give the option as to whether or not you get it.  He likes to do it to be safe.  Anyways, mine came back saying I had a 1 in 33 chance that my child was going to have trisomy 18, which is a serious condition where the child dies shortly after birth.  With trisomy 18, there are so many birth defects, the child just doesnt survive.  SOOO, i had to see a specialist, and they warned me.  THey told me that my chance was really high, and to prepare myself.  So, they asked me if i wanted an amnio done and i declined.  I figured that God was gonna have this baby be the way he intended and doing an amnio was just to much for me.  I did have the level 2 ultrasound done.  I remember going into the room and them trying to prepare me.  So, they start the ultrasound and they did an hour long ultrasound.  They finished and I had to wait a total of 30 minutes for my results which seemed like an eternity.  They doctor comes in, looks at me and smiles.  He said there was NOTHING wrong with my little girl.  She was totally healthy.  So, i guess my point is, dont read much into these test.  If i had the choice, I would opt not to have it.  It causes to much stress on  you and your baby.  So, stay positive.  There are really high false postives with this test.  

Sorry you are dealing with this.  I don't have the stats for the false positives, but I've known MANY women on this very board who had false positives, worried their whole pregnancies, and had perfect babies.  I know it is very common to have false positives.  Because of this, I have opted not to do the quad screen.  I don't want to worry the whole time.  I'll worry when/if it becomes necessary.

I agree with the other ladies that you and hubby need to have a sit down and discuss this issue.  You shouldn't feel pressured into anything - the test, termination, or anything else.   If he can't be supportive, maybe it's an indicator of other problems.  I agree that you should find a counselor asap.

Good luck.  Hopefully the test will come back fine, but I wonder if hubby will find other excuses to be less than enthusiastic about the pregnancy.

It is a really hard place to be- just because you are older doesn't mean anything- I know couples in their twenties who have had babies with serious birth defects and downs. I had the test done with my first- everything was fine. This time around I didn't even bother. The ultrasounds have always been fine. If you could get away with not having it done, I would do it. Otherwise, you could keep any results from him, breech of trust or not, at least long enough to possibly have an amnio or something more to confirm the results. At the end of the day, you have to make the decision to terminate a pregnancy anyway, he can't make you do anything. It may mean the end of your marriage, and that is a tough road to take. You would have to consider your feelings. Good luck! I hope you get perfect results and there are no more concerns.

Carrie