BF Update

OK, for everyone who has been so supportive I wanted to give you an update.....

We had a calm talk last night about what has been going on.  He has had yet another talk with his mother.  Her biggest concern was that he would marry "an American woman".  My biggest concern is that he is going to leave this baby because he won't have a choice when his VISA expires or school is finished.

He told me last night that he told his mother that he was going to be here for this baby no matter what it would take to make that happen.  If he had to go to another school to work on another degree or find a job in the next couple of months........but he would be here to support his baby and me, financially, mentally and physically.  Now after he said that, he told me at this point, we would definitely not be getting married.  He could at least give that much to his mother.....not marrying me.

He said we could be a family without being married.  "People here do it all the time"...........

I'm going to take it at face value right now and believe what he says...only time will tell, but I am preparing to raise this baby by myself and be a single mother.  What's the old phrase, "Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best".......

He and I did go to a couple of stores yesterday to register for the big items and the nursery themed stuff......my mom, sister and I are going to Babies R Us to finish up today.......

I welcome all opinions.....and I am trying to get it back down to a normal stress level.....

Thanks everyone for the support and help!  Everyone here is always so GREAT!!!

Hugs,

Sandy

Hey Sandy, sounds like the conversation you guys had yesterday was a step in the right direction! Your situation is complicated but you have to trust and believe that G-d works in mysterious ways and things will work themselves out.  Take good care of yourself and your growing babe and keep us updated!

Veronique

Sandy,
I am happy for you that he will be around to support you.  I can't really comment much on the marrying an American woman.  I am in an interracial relatonship, and I don't always understand why family just doesn't support no matter, race, religion, etc...but reality is, it does matter to some famiies and you have to deal with cards you are given.   I wish you he best of luck!  Stacey

If he isn't going to, at some point, marry some other non-American woman, I don't see how his NOT marrying you helps make his mother feel better. It certainly makes it seem like he's hedging his bets and keeping your relationship as non-permanent as possible. I am glad you had a talk though and that he seems to be a bit more on board. Perhaps once that baby comes and he realizes what a good thing he has, he'll man up and stand up to his mother.

I'm really hoping he mans up and truly does what he says here.  However, it doesn't seem like he will man up at all based on the things you have told us previously.  I still say you need to protect you and the child's best interests.

Get it in writing he is the baby daddy.

Contact Social Services regarding child support and what to do to get it.  Don't count on him to just give it to you...make it come straight out of his check into your checking account.  Many a man has run after a baby is born.

Know your options if he leaves you.  You won't be homeless...contact Social Services and see what they can do to help you.

Finally, protect your heart.  This man says he won't marry you.  Not because his mom doesn't want him too.  I'm in an interracial relationship myself.  His parents made him choose:  them or me.  He chose me.  To be in his life, they had to adapt.  Thats a real man.  This one...he doesn't want the committment.  If he loved you, he'd say "to hell with his mother".  Sorry...just being real, and want you to face the facts.

Its good that it looks like he is trying but don't forget what he has said and done in the past...sometimes words spoken in anger are the actual truth.

Take care of yourself and the baby.  The little one.  The one in your tummy.  The big baby?  Start saving now to leave.

Amen!

just to play devils advocate.... hope not to offend....

there is a BIG differeance between being in an interaccial relationship with someone who was born and raised here (and whose family was more than likely born and raised here) and someone who's self and family are new to our country and our beleifs and values. Even though we have come a long way in the US with equality (we still have a long way to go) other contrys are soooo much father back than we are.

I went through something similar with my girlfreind who is chinese from hong kong and her husband who was from india..... wooooo that was very interesting.... though both of these two came as small children and were raised here they had much different veiws than their parents. It was insane just how bad the familys got. Its just NOT OK as a general rule in other countries. Just like we cant understand why it's such a big deal.... they have been so conditioned to think that it is.

Sounds like it would be easy to stand up to your mother and say too bad get over it... but when an interacial marriage is veiwed as badly in some contries (like inda) some parents will literally disown... Staying unmarried is the middle ground where mom might not be happy but not ready to dissown. And you not quite ready to leave so he dosent really have to make a decision.

You have to decide whats best for you. Can you go forever and not be married? is it that important to you? I think that is the decision YOU have to make. Sounds like he has made his and just needs your answer. Once you do you need to back yourself up. Either kick him to the curb or figure out how to make it work.

Either way if you are not going to be married at the present time i agree with the preveious poster. Things should be in writing. He should want that too. Without a marraige there are decisions that need to be made and set in stone for BOTH parties involved.

You WILL make it through this..... No matter what happens you and baby will be OK

No offense here(if that was written for me)....however...my husband's family had a girl picked out for him and when he didnt want to be with her....well....lets just say we might as well have been from different countries.  They are extremely well off, and well, I come from a military family.  I "wasn't good enough" nor was I black enough I think.  They are cool now that they KNOW I'm not a gold digger, but it wasn't always that way.

I understand what you are saying, however from what the previous posts have alluded to, he blames her for her disability and doesn't seem to want to take any responsibility at all.  Yes...he is from a different country, but I still say if he truly loved her, he'd be with her...all the way.  My dad is from another country and was born there and chose my mom over his family.  And he dealt with those consequences.

MY concern for this poster is his back and forward(today I'll be there for you and the baby)...tomorrow...not so much.

She needs to be prepared.  And that means...you need to have it in writing that he is the baby daddy.  I would make him take a paternity test, have the results, take them to Social Services and get that child support.  You are going to need it.

i think hes feeding you a line of **** i hope for your sake and the babies hes not... good on preparing to do it alone.. its not easy... but so doable..

Just my two cents here, because I do immigration stuff for F-1 visa students for a living...so this may be relevant info you may not easily be able to find elsewhere (from what you've said, that's what it sounds like he's here on):

He can be here as long as he wants an an expired visa - an expired visa just means that he does NOT have permission to re-enter the United States once he exits, unless he goes to the embassy and applies for a new visa.  His passport and I-94 document are probably stamped "D/S", meaning that the visa is good for "duration of stay".  That being said, his I-20 document needs to be current with his school.  To be current, he will have to be enrolled in a minimum number of classes (typically full-time, unless he has extenuating cir****tances, and then he must have special permission from the DSO at his school), plus doing whatever else his school requires to maintain status (like in my program, 85% attendance is a big requirement to maintain status).  Similarly, if his I-20 document is going to expire, he changes schools, or he changes educational levels (like from a Bachelor's program to a Master's program), he is probably going to have to show "current" or possibly even new bank documents...like at my school, they have to be less than one year old.  And if they bank documents are from a family member or sponsor, that person is probably going to have to sign some sort of financial guaranty form.

Okay, so what is my big point here: if the person who provided the bank documents withdraws their support or won't provide new bank documents when asked (which it sounds like something his mother may do if she wants him to come home or something), he will HAVE to exit the United States unless someone else (such as yourself or your family) steps up and provides those documents.  But just so you know, then you or that family member will  become responsible for his school and living expenses while he's here.  True, he can work ON-CAMPUS ONLY on an F-1 visa...but that's the key thing: ON-CAMPUS.  Those jobs, in my experience, pay VERY little...and if I'm not mistaken, the students can only work very limited hours (I want to say 20 hours week maximum, but I could be mistaken) during the regular school terms.  And yes, there are a few special cir****tances that a student can work off-campus (such as financial hardship in EXTREME cir****tances or OPT)...but again, this is something that MUST be applied for specially, takes a LONG time to get approved, is of a limited-duration, and is never guaranteed to be approved by SEVIS.

So in short, I really DON'T see how this guy is going to be able to support you and/or the baby financially.  Especially if there is NOT financial support from his family in his home country because as long as he's working "legally" on-campus, he probably isn't going to make squat.  True, some students have been know to work "under the table."  I would NOT condone that, because if he gets caught, he can be shipped home and ruin his chances of ever coming back to the US on ANY kind of visa or residency status.

Ultimately, if he is providing solid support emotionally, great.  That may be enough for you...only you can decide.  On the other hand, I just want you to know exactly where he may stand in terms of his visa status and work oppertunities so that you can make informed choices based on that information.

If you have any other specific questions about someone here on a student F-1 visa, I will see if I can answer them.  I am obviously NOT acting in an official capacity by sharing any of the above information (plus I typically don't handle more complex situations) - so PLEASE consult an immigration attorney if it comes down to it.

Good luck!  And please, I'm not trying to discourage you in any way...I just wanted to share a few facts.  I have a very good friend whose baby's father totally pulled the wool over her eyes in regards to his personal immigration issues, and I would hate to see that happen to someone else.

~Katherine