OT: What is he thinking????

 Wow.  I hope you two can talk it out and he can come to understand by helping them, he's abandoning you.  Men are very one-track-minded about things like this, I'm hoping he's not that selfish, just being a typical man :S  If not, you seem like a strong, smart woman with an otherwise great support system and you can survive a divorce.  But I really hope it doesn't come to that.

This kind of thing is exactly why I've semi-jokingly told both my parents (I'm 33, they are 63 and 66) that should they ever descend to a place mentally or physically where they would be my full time job, they WILL be going into a home.  It started as a joke, but we've actually discussed it a little and my mom at least (dad hasn't weighed in) completely agrees with me.  We watched some friends at camp (not super close friends, but we see them often) deal with a mother with severe brain damage caused by an abusive spouse and another deal with dementia.  I am not equipped physically or emotionally, nor do I have the skills to do that.

I personally think that this is a conversation we should all have with our parents.  I don't think I have to worry too much, my mom's dad is 95 and in a home (at his insistance) but has full mental capacity (as much as you can have at 95!) and I sadly think my father (heavy smoker, moderate daily drinker, doesn't have great eating habits, but thin!) will probably not live to see dementia.

Good luck Amy - fingers crossed that talking to him will wake him up! *hugs*

T :)

Wow Amy, this really sucks! I totally understand why you are so upset. I would be too. I really hope that your husband can start to understand that he'll lose his whole family if he doesn't start to make you his first priority. I am so sorry you have to go through this at all, but especially at this time in your life when you need him most.

Tina

My father went through the same thing with his dad and step mom and now dealing with his mother also.

Can you call and talk with someone in your county? A social worker may be your best bet. They can give you tons of answers and can set up a nurse to be with your FIL 24/7... and the State may also be able to help with income issues.

Good Luck.

Wow Amy! I think I would've stroked out by now. Does he not even consider the possibility or the NEED of a long term care facility at this point? At least until well after your baby is born? I can understand his desire to help his parents but you're right, he is neglecting his FIRST responsibility and that is you and Hannah. This is awful. I feel so badly for you and the situation that your family is in. Stress to him the importance of putting his father into a facility that can offer the type of care that he needs. If you find one with an alzheimers/dementia unit, it would be really beneficial to your FIL. More so than just his son that will eventually get burned out after caring for him 24/7. Not to mention the fact that he would be getting specialized care in one of those places and have access to physical therapy and speech therapy that he will no doubt need if there is any damage from the stroke. He may feel guilty about doing that to his dad, but it would be a lot better situation for everyone involved at this stage of the game, IMO.

I wish I could give you a hug cuz it sounds like you need it! I hope it gets worked out in the best interest of everyone.

Gosh Amy I am so sorry you are going through this and you definitely don't need to be, I whole heatedly agree that your husband needs to get the social worker involved and your FIL needs to be placed in a home of some kind, it is very hard to do... I know my father and step father both had to be placed for dementia and the other Alzheimer's, it is way too much for family to handle especially with a toddler and baby on the way. I know you mentioned the house but that is one more thing you can't stress yourself over.

I do hope your husbands idea is all talk and that you can convince him to talk with the social worker and that he makes the right choices for you and your children.

hugs
Beth

I just talked to Tom a little while ago.   His plan is to bring his Dad home.  He also mentioned something about spending the night at our home, while his Dad stays at his house alone.   Needless to say I lost my cool about that.   If he isn't going to give his Dad 24/7 care then he needs to put him in a home until until his Mom gets out of the hospital. 

I just don't understand Men.   My Mom saw how upset I was after talking to him and made me check my blood pressure.   It was not good.  It was high enough that if it didn't come back down that Noah would be here by now (165/109).   I knew it was caused by me being upset and not pre-eclampsia.   

I convinced Mom to give me 5 minutes and if it didn't come down we would head to the hospital.  Thankfully, it drastically came down.    

So now I'm grounded from talking to my husband lol.   I never thought at 30 years old my Mom would be taking away my cell phone.     I know it's for the best that I not talk to him right now though. 

So I'm removing myself from the situation.  Whatever choices he makes I'll deal with as they come. 

My number one priority is to keep Noah and myself healthy (and of course take care of Hannah).

They are holding a spot in the nursing home for 30 day for his Dad.  That way they can see if they will be able to care for him at home.   

Thanks for all the support.  I knew you all would understand where I'm coming from.

Amy

Amy- I really understand where you are coming from. My husband comes from a culture where his parents and even brothers/sisters and nephews/nieces come before a wife and kids- It's really irritating. I can't tell you how many similar experiences I have had since our marriage, and the emotions and frustrations. You have a right to be upset! And he needs to listen too. One thing I have found is that I am often too emotional to communicate really effectively around the issue. I have had to practice and really think/jot down what I would ask that would be less emotionally charged to start the comversation and to be sure that I give him enough space to tell me how he is feeling and then really communicate what I am feeling and think about the situation. That often helps a lot when we can really have an honest/not defensive conversation. It's tough, and it takes both of us. But I think that it is helpful because you are both coming from two different places- not that one is essentially more right than the other- it depends on a lot of individual factors, and we are always going to see our world view as the more correct in any situation. Maybe spend some time thinking about how you and DH communicate and then think about how you can really get your feelings and thoughts across while giving him the same luxury. You could even tell him that is what you want to do- have a very clear cconversation for your family's benefit. Good luck!

Carrie

HI Amy,
I'm sorry you have to go through this right now.  MEN!!!!! UGH. Can't live with them... can't live without them.
You just need to relax and focus on your baby.  Everything else will work out in the end.

I don't have any other advice that wasn't already given, I just wanted to say I'm sorry and I hope that things work out. It's sounds like a bad situation and that there isn't any great easy answer. You try to just focus on you, Hannah, and the baby and hopefully your husband will figure out what the right thing to do is.

I know Medicare will pay for a 21-day rehab in a nursing home until they are ready to come home. 

Another option is that Medicare will also pay for someone to come to the home to give assistance such as a home health aide.  It is a lot cheaper to keep them in the home and provide assistance in the way of home health than a nursing facility.

Hope you are doing o.k....trust me, you want Noah to bake.  Boys need the baking time for their lungs! 

Also, I was going to tell you- I saw in another post- I had my c-section / tubal in a catholic hospital back in July.  My dr. said he could "get by with it" because of the uterine scarring was considered a medical condition, since I had had a previous c-section.

Debbie