OT: What is he thinking????

I try to keep my personal problems off of here, but I really need to vent.   

My husband is an only child.  Jan 10Th his Mom was hospitalized due to dehydration and a severe UTI.  She is the type that says every Christmas is going to be her last, that she will never see Noah born, etc.  So going in the hospital was all that she needed to just give up.    From where she refused to do anything she ended up with Pneumonia (she smoked for YEARS, so her lungs aren't good to say the least).

While his Mom was in the hospital his Dad was staying by himself.   He has dementia and is a brittle diabetic.  Tom was running himself to death trying to stay with his Mom and also keep an eye on his Dad.  I was helping with his Dad as much as I could.  Which wasn't alot since I was working full time, taking care of the house and Hannah by myself, and 8 months pregnant to boot.    I think that Tom has been in denial about his Dad's dementia.  He always wants to blame it on his blood sugar (which I do realize can make you do crazy things when it's out whack).

During the 7 days while his Mom was in the hospital his Dad was getting worse by the second.  He didn't know who Tom was, started messing on himself, locked himself out of the house, etc.

The morning of the 18Th Tom went to check on his Dad.  His Dad couldn't talk to start with.  Tom had me bring Hannah over to see if that would help get him "going".   When his Dad would try to talk the words would just be jumbled.  I knew that was a sign of a stroke, but he still had his motor skills.  Anyway Tom took him the ER.    Come to find out his Dad had a stroke and a heart attack.   His dementia is still very bad.  He doesn't know where is most of the time.     Even with him being in the hospital the Dr.s want someone with him 24 hours a day.  That will never change he is always going to need that until the day he dies.

Meanwhile on the 21st my BP spikes and I get but on bed rest.   I forgot to mention that his parents are in separate hospitals.  I was almost hospitalized myself, but thankfully the Dr. agreed to let me do bed rest at home. 

So now I will finally get to the point of the story.  Tom calls me earlier just elated that his Dad is going to get to come home. 

That's great news, but who's going to take care of him 24 hours a day.   Tom, that's who.   So I said what happens when I go into labor or they decide to do the c-section?  He said we will cross that bridge when we get there.   HELLO!   That bridge is fastly approaching.    I will never forgive him if he chooses to stay with his Dad over being with me when our son is born. 

Not to mention the time he is missing from work is unpaid.  So that's what we really need with a new baby is for him not be getting a pay check at all.   I understand that he is trying to take care of his parents, but I feel that he is abandoning his wife and children while doing it.  

He has mentioned (as a far fetched idea) that he would resign from his job and move in with his parents.   If he does that I will have no choice but to file for divorce.  He would be leaving his family financially, physically, and emotionally.   

Let's not forget that for 6 weeks after my c-section I can't pick up Hannah.   Thank God I have parents that will help me in anyway I need, so I know I will be O.K.   I feel like it's not their place to have to put their lives's on hold to care for me and my kids because my husband has his head stuck up his butt.  Wow, that was a long sentence lol.  

Gee, wonder why my blood pressure is high!  

Thanks for letting me vent.  I hope what I wrote made sense.   I probably sound selfish, but I can't help the way I feel right now.

Amy

Vent away, that isn't being selfish. When a man takes on a wife and kids, he is really bound to provide for them, although not neglecting his parents totally, he needs to find a balanced solution for his dad...would a long term care facility be an option for his dad? If he moves in with them then he would essentially be leaving you as a single parent, that wouldn't be good at all. I obviously don't have the answers, but I hope you guys are able to reach a compromise. Take care and best wishes, take deep breaths and help Noah stay calm

First of all - hugs, thoughts and prayers headed out your way!! Take care of YOU through this, I know, easier said then done.

My FIL is in a similar situation to yours, while my DH isn't an only child, he has a brother but he is worthless. We were able to get the hospital to agree to send my FIL to a rehab and soon thereafter to a nursing home, which is all covered by the state (my FIL has squandered every last penny and has nothing - no pension, no SS, no disability - NOTHING). DH had a hard time coming to this realization but I had to keep reminding him that me and the baby have to be #1 right now. I hope that Tom can come to realize that you, Hannah and Noah are at jeopardy here. I know he is caught between a rock and a hard place. There has to be another option though. Maybe your FIL's insurance will cover a visiting nurse or Hospice something like that.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Take a deep breath. It will work out in the end. Im sure your husband feels it's his job to take care of his parents, but he will have to make a choice one way or the other. His father should be eligible for an aide through his insurance if he dosent want to go into a nursing home. Maybe this will help. Good luck!!

Oh it is not at all selfish. 

Men go nuts before we have kids.  They make horrible decisions due to stress.  He is in a bad situation but his parents were insensitive in not setting up long term care insurance for themselves.   Even when adults have siblings the onus usually falls one one adult while the other siblings don't pull their share.

This sounds like a definite no, but could your FIL stay with you?

All of our bedrooms are occupied, so unless I want Hannah and Noah in the same room (which I don't) there is no way he could stay with us.  Plus, there's the issue of what to do with him during the day while we are at work.
The one bright side to all of this is that his parents live with in walking distance of us, so that makes it a little easier.

Thanks for the responses ladies.  Tom doesn't want his dad to go to rehab or a nursing home.   His parents just bought their house last year.  If his Dad goes into the nursing home/rehab then what income he does get will go to pay that bill.   His Mom doesn't have enough income on her own to be able to keep the house, so it would force her into a nursing home also.  

I have suggested his Dad go into the rehab center temporarily until his Mom gets to come home.   I'm not for sure that his Mom will be able to give him the care he needs (she has very limited mobility), but at least we can say we tried before they both end up in a nursing home.

 Your husband really needs to get the social worker at BOTH hospitals involved in coming up with a realistic discharge plan for his parents. 
Although they may have bought that house a year ago, with both of them in failing health, it ay not be possible to keep it. The priority needs to be making sure that there is a safe place for his father to stay until his mother comes home,AND making sure that your husband is around and able to help with the coming baby. I'm sure he feels like he really can't let his parents down at such a rough time, but he isn't making good choices.

 I was typing up my response while you did this one.  Sorry about that.

I am in Canada, but the friend who had the abused mom is in NY, and she got alot of help from the state.  She turned alot of it down, but I know she got an aide at least 2 days/wk, meds paid for, diapers paid for, meals on wheels, things like that.  Perhaps Tom can look into state aid if a home just isn't possible?

Maybe finding someone to sit with him during the days might help. Either a home health nurse or an at home care giver or companion. I used to watch a friend's mom when her and her dh had to work. Someone who can help him to the bathroom, fix him lunch. I hope he makes the right choice! I know he wants to help his parents, but you and the kids are priority right now.