It makes me a bit sick - Day Care Questions (very long)

The idea of leaving Cooper with someone makes me a bit ill....  but it's a reality I have to face.

My mother-in-law comes over two days a week and is WONDERFUL with Cooper.  The other days I work at home and my husband is supposed to be watching Cooper.

With Cooper getting more active - sleeping less and demanding interactive play more my husband is having a hard time with him for 8 hours a day --- even if I come up every couple of hours and relieve him for 15-20 minutes. 

What is happening is I am working less when I am home and watching Cooper more.... and I don't want to lose my job ! 

To complicate matters my husband's health is getting worse and we have to face the fact he will be on dialysis sooner rather than later AND at some point having a transplant done. *keeping fingers crossed for sooner*    

What's worse?  Well my mother-in-law just found out she has breast cancer.... maybe in both breasts!  They are setting up a biopsy on the second breast, but the first has cancer.  So she is facing surgery and radiation  (Hopefully no chemo).    Which means we need a back-up plan for when she is unable to watch Cooper.

My choices:

1.  A "big box" daycare (KinderCare, etc).  I know they have structured programs and lots of kids to interact with.  But I worry about lack of caring / hugging / loving .  I suppose I'd worry LESS about his safety here figuring they have a lot of controls / experience and a "baby proof" area. 

2.  Taking him to a local in-home provider.  I joined SitterCity.com yesterday and found a lady who wants to star****ching kids in her home.  She has a 2 year old boy and lives not far away.  She's a teacher but not currently teaching because she wants to stay home with her son.  I like that she has a son and is local....   but I'd worry more if she's taking him with her (and her son) doing grocery shopping and other errands.  Plus there is less control here - she could sit him in front of the TV all day and there is no one else to tell me what is going on.  (Cooper can't!) 

3.   Hiring a "nanny" or babysitter to come to our house --  gives me more control, but it would undoubtedly be someone younger / college student and I'm not sure how awkward it would be for my husband to have someone sharing our living space  - since I couldn't confine them to Cooper's bedroom!   And Ivy is also an issue as she demands almost as much play time as Cooper when there is someone who might be slightly willing to play around.  :-) 

Thoughts?  Things I should ask?  Things I should watch for? 

I think my two biggest fears are :

A.  Cooper's Safety / emotional & mental development 
B.  That he'll grow to love whichever "nanny" or in home person MORE than me - that they will have more influence and I'll lose him...   Silly I know, but still a very real fear. 

Thank you for letting me "Vent".  Sometimes it helps just to talk out loud with everyone!

Cindy

Daycare sucks! I really struggled with these same issues too with my daughter- I went with the in home option for a couple of reasons. I was able to find someone I trusted- I met with them and dropped in a couple different times and days to get a feel for the house. You can ask directly what their beliefs are about TV watching versus play and more structured activities. share your concerns about too much TV- define what that is for you. I found that I would get a feeling that things were not right with several providers, so I knew something was going on. This was also more economical.

Not that large commercial centers aren't good too- Cooper is young though, and in my opinion the larger centers are better as preschools- when the kids are older and walking and beginning to talk. I would also worry about hugging/cuddling/ect there at this age too.

As for the issue of loving a provider more than you, I realy struggled with this too- but it didn't happen. I know that's not super comforting, but it didn't.

Good luck!

Carrie

Ask people you know who they would recommend and have had good experiences with.
Mal has been in home daycare since she was 4 mos old. I moved her to a different one a few months ago but she is going back to her old place the week after next. The current place is planting her too much in front of the TV. They do not do as much play and 'teaching' as they led me to believe. I suspected this more and more, confirmed by the fact that she can talk and tell me what is going on.
I understand your apprehension. When I was growing up, I had a babysitter that abused me...and had an adult lie on her behalf so they were unable to prosecute her.
This might just be me, but I just would not trust anyone in my home all day while I was gone.
You are Mommy! He will never love anyone more. It might seem that way for a bit but it all balances out in the end.
Good luck to your hubby. My dad was on dialysis for 5 years before he got a transplant.
Hang in there!!!

I think the only place that has real accountability is the big daycare center. 

I was witness to my sister's daycare issues when we were children. 

The in-home was just a place to watch tv.  Daycare centers will teach your children to read (eventually) and usually only play educational television if at all.

My neighbor has an in-home place.  She is a nice lady and the kids love her but she spends half her day talking with other neighbors.  I assume she has some helpers in there with the other kids?  Who knows.

For me, the only option was in-home. Josiah has not had all his shots (he is on a delayed schedule) and most big daycares will require you to be up to date on all shots. (which I totally understand)

I asked around at my church and found an in home daycare. Now it isn't perfect by any means..but she loves Josiah and she home schools her kids so they are there to help her. He has never once cried when I left...most days he doesn't know when I leave... lol. I REALLY want to be a stay at home Mom but I like that he goes to daycare because he get to interact with other kids. I think it is good for him. When I 1st went there they didn't even own a tv (I KNOW RIGHT??!!) If the kids did watch a dvd it was on the computer monitor. They have since got a tv and it is in the playroom but they only watch tv once in a while. I really do believe that because the church they went to before didn't believe in watching tv at all. I have made copies of a few dvd's that we let Josiah watch at home and told her what I don't want him watching. She is fine with that.

You want him to love and enjoy whomever is watching him but Cooper will NEVER love anyone more then you... Josiah loves his daycare provider and that thrills me to no end. When my husband picks him up every day he has a smile from ear to ear and is happy to see him. I get the same reaction when I come home from work... it makes my heart melt.

I think you will be pleasantly surprised once you put him in daycare how well adjusted he will be.
Erika

I am going to give you my own personal experience. I started Nylah/Van at the same home daycare at 11 weeks old.I just love her and I usually do not worry much at all while they are there. We have never had any incidents and there were a few days last year when no other children where there and before Van was born, she took Ny shopping and to her campground. At first I didn't like the idea but I let her and she was always back to give her nap time. I love the home daycare for infants and babies under 1 who do not walk. So I am kind of stuck because I want Ny to go to a more school like setting but Van is only 5 months old. I have tossed around the idea of the NAVY daycare center because of the "learning" aspect and it is much cheaper. That idea is out now that we are moving to a town too far from it. But anyways we found another home daycare that has a preschool program and I really love it, but she has her own two kids. So I keep playing with that because right now my provider has never been closed (at least while we been there other than vacations). I asked the new one I was looking at if she is closed when her children are sick or just when she is, she said just when she is but you know that if her kids are home sick even upstairs with dad she is going to tend to them. So I am even stuck with this. I dont want Ny to miss out on more structured activites but I need reliability too. Also at our current they dont play outside as much as I would like, and she dosent have much yard so they play on the deck which she has too many cozy coupes and they can barely even move anywere. So...I dont even know what I'm doing but I do know my stress level is WAY TOO HIGH!

im sorry for all the illness in your family... i wish for a speedy transplant ... and a quick healing for your mil... your right... i hate that i have to work.. and i hate that i have to leave jayson with someone else... but this is what i did...

i found  sitter and i bring him there... she has 2 kids ... 3 and 5...he has been going to her for 6 weeks... im in contact with her all day.. her kids are healthy and happy... and they interact well with jayson... of course they have their squabbles... toy stealing... normal kid stuff... but.. he doesnt get sick often... something i was worried about due to jayson being born premature... yes she takes him with her places... she carries and insurance card and a note that says she can de****d on treatment for him in an emergency until i am able to do so... i was also worried about him liking her more then me.. until the other day.. he cried when i left... he had never done that before... usually i put him down and he just goes about playing... i guess what im trying to say is.. i chose an in - home provider away from home... more 1 on 1 interaction with him..less cooties... i hve more say in his care... and he gets to interact with kids really of all ages not just his age..

I'm sorry for your your troubles right now.  We opted to have someone come into our home.  My husband leaves for work earlier than I do so I have a couple hours of one-on-one time in the morning with Elijah and DH is home earlier than me so he has one-on-one time in the afternoon.  The all three of us have the evenings together.  The nanny/babysitter is here for 7 hours a day, five days a week.  It doesn't mean it will be someone younger (and if it is, that doesn't mean it's bad).  She's in her 40s and her youngest child was a senior in high school when she started with us.  She used to run an in-home daycare and was a referred by a good friend who knew her as a mom and a licensed daycare provider.  We asked for and checked references.  We sat down with her and discussed what we wanted/needed/required.  It was imperative that we trust her and that she respect our wishes for how we were raising him and that she would do the same.  She was also introduced to our dog and two cats--it was important that she be comfortable with them and be willing to interact with them.  Yes, she would be sharing your living space, but your husband can stay in a room where she doesn't go.  When I work at home, I'm in the office and she has the run of the house.  It's likely to cost more than taking Cooper somewhere.  The most important thing to us is that she loves him as her own and keeps him safe--she teaches and guides him, plays with him, and takes care of his needs--emotional, physical, etc.  And yes, Elijah loves her, but he REALLY loves his Mommy--she can't replace me in his eyes.

I vote on the local in home provider.   If it doesn't work out then you could try one of the big box daycares.    I think it would be too awkward on your hubby to have a nanny there (I know it would be for me).
Good luck!
Amy

 Another option: see if there's anyone near you interested in doing a "nanny-share." You find a nanny willing to look after 2 kids and you split the cost and decide whose home it will be in. I've seen people seeking nanny shares on craigslist.