marriage issues & rants....

i know this will be long so thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to read. Long story shorter....DH & I have been married 16 years, have 2 DS together, 10 years & 5 mo...now his 18 yo bio daughter has come back in the pix and moved in with us...all within a span of within 3 mos of me having the baby. Needless to say, it has been A LOT to deal with to say the least. We have had some major fights concerning the DD, not being on same page, discipline, etc. I feel I am the parent in the house & he the "friend/buddy"...add to that the guilt of giving this girl up for adoption 16 years ago (which he never dealt with nor got over) & you have some serious feelings & a very manipulative girl with a serious daddy complex. She bats those pretty little eyes & daddy gives in. He fusses at her as well to do her "chores" but there is no follow through, if she is asked to do something, doesnt' do it, he does nothing. There is no consequence to the behavior. Whatsoever. I told him multiple times I am tired of being the Holiday Inn....I need his support & we have to be on the same page. He says, well what do you want me to do?

She had issues with her adoptive parents and basically left there & came here. Not that our marriage was perfect by any means, but this has unfortunately become the icing on the proverbial cake. After a huge breakdown in Sept, DH admitted a lot of his issues/problems & sought help, he is depressed, and is on meds, seeing a therapist & working on things. In the mean time, he will not listen to reason with regard to this girl moving in here, becoming a vital part of this family & I feel that i have had no choice but to take her in. The adoptive parents will not speak to her nor return her calls for months, very sad situation. So...trying not to put the girl on the street, I take her in & TRY very hard to make all this work. I am heartrbroken to say I think it has cost me what was left of my marriage in the process. He basically begged me after the episode in Sept to please not take his boys away, he needs his kids to get better, & I really saw that he was trying. He takes his meds every day, goes to his appts & seems to be geniunely trying to work on that. However....things with the DD continue to get worse not better.

I ask her to bring out all her trash in her room, bring down the laundry basket so I can load in back up since it is laundry day. Today was supposed to be cleaning house day since we had friends coming over tonight.  She instead sleeps until her friend shows up to help her paint her room (wth! didn't know anything about that!) So she stays painting until time to go to work. Leaves. No help at all. Ugghhhh! Tonight she heads out with her friends to go out, here is one of our major issues....I know she drinks, we are not stupid & we have had serious discussions that you do not get in the car period with someone, call us, etc.  DH has the philosophy that he would rather her drink in our home where he can watch her, know what she is doing, she isn't going anywhere, etc. I don't totally disagree, but I feel it has to depend on the situation. If it is just us & we allow one...ok, she does not need to drink to get drunk and not when any friends are here; as I am not there parent & would never EVER allow any one else's child to drink. That is not my call to make. SO...her & her friend come in, I am upstairs asleep basically & they come bouncing in to get bathings suits to get in hot tub & my friend who also stayed the night tells me that daddy is giving her Jager,..excuse me at 230 AM and in the hot tub? And what about this other girl? I went ballistic...so we get into a humonguous screaming match that escalated from there, I am tired of not being allowed an opinion in the relationship, I feel that if I say anything about how I feel I am insignificant or being the evil stepmother. Obviously she knew she caused these problems & she comes in "daddy...whats wrong" & instead of saying...hey I don't want to be the cause of any problems, I will not have that, she says to him "well I will either drink here or somewhere else...." WTH! So like I told him, she is manipulative & will play us against each other & he is not on the same page with me. 
Now I know a lot of this may stem from his issues as well that he is dealing with...but it got bad, with him finally screaming at me that I got what I want, He wants a divorce, get the papers & he punched several holes in the wall before he left. This is all my fault that his daugther left...l am sorry because I refuse to give an 18 yo brat alcohol, then whatever! Yep, I am the worst person on the planet! My friend & I are trying to calm him down which by this point I am yelling at him that he is screaming like a freaking crazy person and he is scaring the kids upstairs (hers and ours) & he screams at us at the top of his lungs he doesnt care anymore, he is done...which I take as he doesn't give a darn about "my boys" that is what you said....you don't care that we never ever fight in front of our kid & now tonight he hears you yelling these things  & he flips out. The kids are all upstairs but they hear, they are certainly not deaf or stupid so they heard you. I kept telling him to just go, just leave, you are not welcome here tonight....you are scaring your boys & you need to go. Now in my opinion, you can do a lot to me but you cross the line when you mess with my kids, there is just no turning back. I feel like he broke his son's heart tonight & I don't know that I will ever, ever get over that. I promised myself I would never allow my kids to be witness to that, I was all to many times & it is  not right. He has gone, called to say he was at a hotel. I wouldn't allow him the car, he had been drinking so I told him if he wanted to go off & kill someone, he could do it on foot so he threw his keys at me & left. He did call & tell me where he was....but he's right, I don't know that there is anywhere to go from here. YOu will apologize to my son for what you did...period. But I don't know where you stand with me. I don't see us allowing his daugther to stay h ere  & fix this, I don'tsee things changing & I dont think if I put her out, that would be the solution because he would just make everyone else's life miserable so why bother. What a terrible note to start the New YEar on....

I'm sorry you are going through this.  I hope things get better. {{{HUGS}}}

 I'm really sorry you are going through all this.  What a horrible situation all around.  *hugs*

i am so sad for you.... though maybe it is not the end all... it sounds like you are a very understanding person and realize that this stuff with his daughter came at the wrong moment in his life when he was already trying to work on his issues.... not that it excusess him for anything, just that i think you might have a little understanding of why he is having such a hard time being the adult  to the daughter he feels so guilty about, and durring a rough time in his life. As sad as it may be. time apart is probably what you both need right now. He needs to work on himself, and repair the relationship he has with his daughter and making sure he is a good dad to those boys before anything else. You need to have a frank conversation with him.... without all the screaming and yelling and emotion... as adults. Speak your peice, write it out if you have to, but try to be open minded and listen to what he has to say too... He needs to be told that some of the things he is doing to get on his daughters "good side" might seem like a good idea today, and seem like a great plan to bring them closer together, but in the long run it will effect his daughter negatively when she is not taught responsibility and she reaches adulthood. I am sure he does not want that for his daughter, nor your sons for that matter. She wont like it and will probably kick and scream and it will not be easy for him to see... but if he begind to understand what is at the end of the road it becomes less painful. They probably need to go to some sort of counseling the two of them. I say dont give up...give time. Give him some time to work his own stuff out, and try some counseling for the two of you so that there can be a mediator to help you guys get through your disagreements and on the same page. Even if things dont work out, counseling will still help the two of you work together to be the best parents you can be to those two boys. My husband and i went to a really bad bad place for a while. although it wasnt quite the same situation my heart hurts for you becasue i remember how hurt and scared and alone i felt. We were able to save our marriage from the depths of hell, and i havent been happier in my marriage untill now. So this is why i am a beleiver in dont give up. PM me any time you need to. please remember that no matter what happens you and your boys will be OK.

I have first hand experience of what you are going through. I have three step kids who are 14,16 and 18. They have not seen their biological mother in 8 years. The trauma that puts on a child is so deep that everyday it affects them.

When I read this a couple things popped in my head. First what that young girl must be feeling. Her adoptive parents are not talking to her. And she was given up by her biological parents as well. She must be hurting so deep. I can't imagine a child who is under these cir****tances not acting out. I'm sure she has zero trust for you or your husband. Would you? My husband and I have been married for about a year and half. We have been together for 3 years. I'm just now starting to see my step kids trust me. I don't think you can expect her to just all of sudden listen and comply to the rules. I'm not saying that there shouldn't be boundaries. But I for sure know that you can not be the one to enforce the rules. Your husband needs to. Has he ever sat down and had a heart to heart with her?
To explain why he had to give her up. To tell her his whole life he thought about her and loved her? Is she seeing a therapist? I imagine your husband is feeling all sorts of guilt. I don't know why he had to give her up but I can't imagine it was a easy choice.
I also read a bit of jealousy in you. As much as it sucks right now, that girl needs her Dad. Our kids come first. And you need to find a way to back up your husband. Really sit down and see what he wants as far as rules and discipline. And really support him and help him keep those rules in place. She needs to see exactly what the house rules and expectations are. And what the consequences are if she breaks those rules. Now she is 18 so she is not a child anymore. So you need to make rules that fit her age. For example, with my 18 year old. He has a 10:00 curfew on school nights and a 12:00 on weekends. If he is late and doesn't call to let us know then we adjust his curfew to being earlier. He has a cell phone...if he lets say gets bad grades we take away his cell. (MAJOR torture for a 18 year old) He is also still in High School. We have also taken away driving privileges. Smart talk back(depending on the severity) gets him a week of dish duty. Grounding a kid his age to his room doesn't work. But taking away the simple luxuries in life does.
This is a HUGE life adjustment for all. But having resentment and anger towards the daughter is never going to make things right. Communication is key. You have to decide in your head if you want this to work. And you need to put your resentment away. This girl needs her Dad...and in time she will need you too. Hope this helps some.

Jackie

So well said. :-)

I agree that this is tough- I'm so sorry! IS this isue really enough to give up on your marriage? That's a question only you can answer. As for the girl, she must be in pain,and at her age being manipulative is normal. However, she is not a child anymore, like the PP said. Maybe your discussions should include her when you sit down with hubby to decide on rules. Get her input. Is she still in school? That means you can have a little more control. Maybe try telling her that if she isn't willing to do XYZ as asked to help out, then she needs to get a job and contribute rent or something, because she is a legal adult and that's life. You can decide on an amount- it doesn't have to be large, but this way she can realize that she has a choice to make, and she needs to be an adult about it. She also probably doesn't know her Dad or you very well, just like you don't know her. Maybe some down time to get to know one another would be a good place to start too. There is still a lot of work to be done I know, but you can decide if it's worth it or not- Only you know that! Good luck.

Carrie

i happen to agree with jackie.. i see some serious jelousy on your part... this is his daugher and she deserves/needs a relationship with him as much as your children do...sounds like you are both having some strong feelings and the communication isnt there... quite frankly if i was passed around as she is/was.. i would be acting out... and most kids would.. thats just what happens...

Wish there were easy answers but there never is with this kind of thing. I hope you guys can take time to listen to each other and set some common rules and consequences so that she is not causing such a big problem with you guys. It has to be mutual though and you both will have a lot of work to do to communicate and for it to get better. I hope though it can happen soon for you. I know it is always awful when things are going bad.

Thank you to everyone for replying...I really appreciated it...sometimes it helps to take a step back & hear others' points of view & thoughts, even if they aren't always on your side (*which is ok too!) It gave me a lot to mull over & see my place in all this as well. I can certainly understand & respect that DH is tryiing...he recognizes he has a problem & is seeking help for that problem. DD is 18 so yes, she is of legal age...however, due to issues with her adoptive parents (her bio mom abandonded her when she was a baby) so...she is more like a 15 yo then truly 18...meaning, she has never held a job, bank account, drivers' license, nothing UNTIL she moved in with us. It was really bizarre. But there were a lot of problems that contributed in her home so I know that had a lot to do with it.

I also have to take a long look at myself and the posts that my jealousy & resentment aren't  helping and I have to take my part in that. And as hard as that is to admit, in some ways, I do resent her. I resent how she has been manipulative & her treatment. I am angry that her adoptive parents refuse to speak to us so I can't get their side of the story...I am making a clear pix, she mentioned she didn't like us "fighting over her, she could have just stayed there" that told me a lot...that in her other household, the behavior was the same & it was possibly ruining those parents' marriage too. Now here she is in my house, doing the same darn thing.

But we have had some rational (and some not) discussions since all this happened) & we are moving on from here.  I definitely have my eyes wide open & my boys (our 2 together) interest first...He is following up with his dr this week at his appt, the meds are not working as they should & will discuss much more his anger issues. I have laid out what I need from both of them for this to work, I typed up a "contract" of sorts...and this time, it will be read & signed by all parties...and if that doesn't work...then perhaps yes, they will need to go. I just can't live like this anymore. I can't put my kids through this any more.