OT - Opinion Needed For Appropriate Response
Someone came to me to ask for advice on what to do below. I thought maybe you all would have some ideas!
One of my bosses was pregnant with twins... and was scheduled to deliver in 2 weeks, she became ill yesterday and delivered early, one of the twins is reported to be healthy for being 4 weeks early; however the other baby didn't make it and lost it's heartbeat shortly after delivery. What is the appropriate way to respond. My department turns to me to get guidance for all things celebratory and bereavement based, but in this case where one baby lived but the other didn't I'm at a loss as to what to do and how to advise them. Do you celebrate the healthy baby or send condolences for the baby who was lost? I've told them that I'd let them know as soon as I had it figured out.
One of my bosses was pregnant with twins... and was scheduled to deliver in 2 weeks, she became ill yesterday and delivered early, one of the twins is reported to be healthy for being 4 weeks early; however the other baby didn't make it and lost it's heartbeat shortly after delivery. What is the appropriate way to respond. My department turns to me to get guidance for all things celebratory and bereavement based, but in this case where one baby lived but the other didn't I'm at a loss as to what to do and how to advise them. Do you celebrate the healthy baby or send condolences for the baby who was lost? I've told them that I'd let them know as soon as I had it figured out.
You definitely need to address both the living child, and the loss. Many people's first instinct is to focus on the happiness of the living baby, but the baby who died was still very real, and her grief will be very real. She will probably feel guilty for having joy about her surviving baby, and feel anger at the fact that one of them didn't make it. How horrible, to have to care for one twin while planning a funeral for the other. I can't begin to imagine. Offer to bring meals to the house, and ask her how you guys can best help her. She may just need a shoulder to cry on. Most importantly, let her grieve however she needs to. Don't gloss over the death of one twin because she still has the other. The joy of one doesn't negate the pain of the other.
Tiffany
Wow tough one for sure. I have a best friend who 9 yrs ago had twin girls...when they were 3 months old she lost one of them.....i ran this across her to see what she said. First thing she said was it hurt soooooo much when someone would say well at least you still have one...at least they were twins so you weren't left with none. She said the family will be feeling bittersweet for quite some time. She said the best thing anyone did for her was to just hug her say both congratulations and i'm sorry....that way both babies were acknowledged...offer help if you can and just tell them you're there to talk if needed. She suggested maybe having one spokesperson for the group who is closest to her to relay the best wishes from the group and to let her know they are all there to talk or to help if she needs it...that way she doesn't feel so overwhelmed right away. Her biggest response though was do NOT say at least you still have the one....she said she heard that so many times and it hurt sooooo bad.
Hope that can help a little.
Hope that can help a little.
I would say that you write a heart felt note in a card. Perhaps a Thinking of You... and write something to the effect of We are here for you in happiness and sorrow. The joy you have gained is great, but with it your heart is suffering. We share your tears of joy and sadness and hope you can find peace and happiness within your family.
Thinking of you all during this emotional time. Thoughts and prayers abound.
This is just something that you can maybe build on. I myself lost my son at 35wks and I am sure that when my co-workers were responding to the matter they had a difficult time coming up with the right words. This is a more complicated situation than mine, because it involves life and death of a child.... but I am pretty sure they will be happy to know that you all are thinking about them. They are going to be running the gamut of the emotional spectrum... so they may be super sensitive to any comment for a while. I myself got to the point of understanding that people are just trying to let you know that they are there for you... and sometimes they want to say the right things, but just can't find the right words.... then they end up saying something that can be construed as insensitive. More than likely they will understand that these comments aren't due to the persons insensitivity to their plight, but for a lack of ways to respond appropriately.
While flowers are a nice option, they do die... which can be a reminder of the little one that has died. My work sent me a very nice snack basket... and it was very helpful... I didn't have much of an appetite or much energy to cook, so those little snacks came in handy while I was healing, physically and emotionally. Flowers can also be symbolic of certain events, like weddings, birth, funerals, birthdays...etc.... but since you have two happening... it may be wise to avoid sending mixed signals. Also, if anyone wanted to volunteer their time to the family, like to run errands, grocery shop, etc... it can be helpful. Doing these daily tasks may be difficult for a father or family member. You run into the grocery clerk, dry cleaner, bank teller and they know you are expecting twins and of course people ask out of curiosity or courtesy how much long until they are here... are they born yet... and those questions are heart wrenching when everything is so fresh.
For instance, I wanted to go to my job and thank all of my friends for their kindness and generosity, and I did. I went there and was calm and collected, but people automatically want to hug you and tell you how sorry they are.. and it just rips open your fresh wound.
People could also offer to make meals for them.... which is both acceptable for births and deaths.
I hope this information is helpful. Whatever you write, as long as your heart is in the right place, then the words will be, too.
Hugs
B
Thinking of you all during this emotional time. Thoughts and prayers abound.
This is just something that you can maybe build on. I myself lost my son at 35wks and I am sure that when my co-workers were responding to the matter they had a difficult time coming up with the right words. This is a more complicated situation than mine, because it involves life and death of a child.... but I am pretty sure they will be happy to know that you all are thinking about them. They are going to be running the gamut of the emotional spectrum... so they may be super sensitive to any comment for a while. I myself got to the point of understanding that people are just trying to let you know that they are there for you... and sometimes they want to say the right things, but just can't find the right words.... then they end up saying something that can be construed as insensitive. More than likely they will understand that these comments aren't due to the persons insensitivity to their plight, but for a lack of ways to respond appropriately.
While flowers are a nice option, they do die... which can be a reminder of the little one that has died. My work sent me a very nice snack basket... and it was very helpful... I didn't have much of an appetite or much energy to cook, so those little snacks came in handy while I was healing, physically and emotionally. Flowers can also be symbolic of certain events, like weddings, birth, funerals, birthdays...etc.... but since you have two happening... it may be wise to avoid sending mixed signals. Also, if anyone wanted to volunteer their time to the family, like to run errands, grocery shop, etc... it can be helpful. Doing these daily tasks may be difficult for a father or family member. You run into the grocery clerk, dry cleaner, bank teller and they know you are expecting twins and of course people ask out of curiosity or courtesy how much long until they are here... are they born yet... and those questions are heart wrenching when everything is so fresh.
For instance, I wanted to go to my job and thank all of my friends for their kindness and generosity, and I did. I went there and was calm and collected, but people automatically want to hug you and tell you how sorry they are.. and it just rips open your fresh wound.
People could also offer to make meals for them.... which is both acceptable for births and deaths.
I hope this information is helpful. Whatever you write, as long as your heart is in the right place, then the words will be, too.
Hugs
B
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