O/T: Need some advice
i have never really has such a strong dislike for anyone until this recent visit with my aunt..... she really made me mad....my skin crawls when i hear her voice...she is so out of touch with reality... well i never showed her i cant stand her...i was always nice to her... i didnt see a point in being mean...anyway.... she went home...and sent jayson 50 bucks for some new winter clothing ( mind you its still 85 here and we dont have winter and for some reason all the stores have winter clothing)...he didnt need any clothing or toys... or anything really...i was also tempted to send the money back... but i thought really hard about it... i opened a savings account for jayson with it and wrote her a letter from jayson... the jist of it said thank you for the new savings account and even tho you and mommy dont speak often she said i can call whenever i wanted.... so when he can talk lol .. ill have him call....ill keep him at a safe distance from her and watch their relationship... but who am i to make sure they dont have one?... jayson not having a father really opened my eyes that he NEEDS as many people in his life that love him as he can possibly get...
I will say do what you feel is right. I dont think being outright hateful to them is good for your relationship with your child(not saying you are) but be respectful and leave it be. when your child gets older let him make the decision of being a part of your parents life or not. be honest with him and let him know what your decision for severing ties but you will not hold it against him if he chooses to have a relationship with them. hopefully they will be great grandparents and if not your child will see that 1st hand. be strong. this is just my opinion because i deal with the same thing with my ex and his entire TRIFLING family (heehee...sorry had to put that in there)
Are you sure our parents aren't related? Or at least our mothers?
I also have pretty much no relationship with my mother. The woman she is now is NOT the woman who raised me...and the woman she is now is not someone I have any desire to know or be around, let alone let my son be exposed to.
She's a hypochondriac (I know I'm probably spelling that wrong...but it's after 10 p.m. and I'm heading to bed in a few minutes..I'm TIRED), a kleptomaniac (another spelling problem?), a horder (one of those people who save a bunch of junk for no reason other than because they can - she inherited that from my grandma), and just plain and simply not a nice person any more.
My son is 14 1/2 years old...she has NEVER - not ONE TIME - called him or sent him even just a birthday card in his life. I could care less if she sends any money or gifts...I don't need someone else to purchase anything for my son...but at 14 1/2, he's more than aware that my mother (or for that matter...almost all of my family...and I have a huge one) bother to contact myself or my son/husband, for anything...unless of course there's something they want - (read: money). In fact...my mom borrowed $4,000 from me 4 years ago, with the understanding that I had to have it back w/in two years...and I haven't received anything but excuses since that time. I look at it as a cheap bargain to get rid of her. Rude and nasty? Yes. True? Yes.
I'm relatively sure my mom uses any prescription medication she can get her hands on - whether it's hers or someone elses - but there's nothing I can do to prove it. She very bluntly will tell you that she can't wait for my father to die. He is currently in a nursing home (the same one she works at!) and has been there for months (at least 4-5?)...and even though she works in the same f'ing building (she's the charge nurse/RN at the nursing home)...she doesn't stop to see him and has never set foot in his room. I mailed a huge box of books to him to entertain him...she didn't bother to deliver them, so now I send things directly to him up at the nursing home. He has post-polio syndrome...he had polio as a child and learned to walk again using different muscles due to the damage to the ones affected by polio...and since those muscles weren't meant to do all the walking work, they've worn out now and he has a lot of trouble getting around. The post polio also causes brittle bones. He broke his hip about 1 1/2 years ago in a fall, and his toe a few months before that, both requiring surgery. He fell down several months ago and broke both the tibia & fibia in his leg and since she won't do anything to help him out at home, and he can't be by himself until he can walk around at least w/a walker, he's in the nursing home. She has been getting rid of his stuff at home - his clothes, whatever, told him to have his brother come pick up the old (ie 100+ years old) photographs he inherited from his parents when they died, etc...because she does not want him to ever come home. She has tried to convince myself and my older sister (as well as his dr, and her brothers/sisters (she's the oldest of 9)) that he has dementia and is losing his mind...but he calls me at work via a Vonage line every Thursday morning without fail...and is very lucid and knows exactly what's going on, who he's talking to, can tell you everything that has happened since the week before when I speak to him, etc...NOT the signs I'd expect of someone who's got dementia.
Trust me when I tell you...this is simply the tiniest tip of the iceberg re my mother. Last summer when I was traveling to a conference in the states...I surprised my family by stopping in to see them unannounced (didn't want to see other family members, which is a whole other chapter of my family issues)...and the whole time I was there, she was exceedingly rude/nasty to my father, yelling at him to quit touching 'her' car when he was trying to get in while balancing on the car and the walker (pre-broken leg), wanting to park in the North 40s, knowing he couldn't walk that far, then being snide and nasty when I told her to park near the restaurant, refusing to help him get his plate (it was a buffet restaurant), et****il I sniped back at her. The issues are not only w/my father...they're just an example of the type of wench she has become.
Do I want to expose my son to her and her nastiness? Not to mention her pig-sty of a house (10 cats, 6 dogs, 3 rabbits, a pigeon, 3 ferrets, a turtle, fish, 2 rats, a possum, and parakeets...all INSIDE the house, half of them not potty trained, and cages rarely cleaned...use your imagination and think of the stench....and she does not live alone...my 39 year old sister and 13 year old adopted sister (read spoiled monster of a brat) live there also)? As Sarah Palin so famously put it...THANKS, BUT NO THANKS.
My other biggest complaint/issue with my mother may sound whiny...but if she can act like a 2 year old, I can too. Two years ago, I was medivaced out of Jakart to Singapore. I was hospitalized with a kidney infection that resulted in my left kidney being removed. My older sister called her (w/my OK) to tell her I was in the hospital and gave her the #. After a week in the hospital, my younger sister called me...and my mother couldn't be bothered to talk to me on the phone because she had a cold. Huh? I'm freaking getting ready to have a KIDNEY REMOVED, and she has a cold...and thus can't talk?! She never did talk to me when I was in the hospital, and has never asked how I was when I got out...nada.
As a result of all this...she does not know I'm moving to Bulgaria...and will likely never know. She does not know about several other surgeries I've had...why bother? She wouldn't care. She does not know of my miscarriages or even the fact that I was pregnant...and when/if, God willing, I do get pregnant...and stay pregnant...she will likely not even know that she has another grandchild to ignore. Any children I have (now or in the future) are better off with out her. My father is under strict instructions not to pass any information about me or my family on to her...and since she doesn't talk to him, that's easy enough to accomplish.
When I was leaving her house after my surprise visit, she drove me back to the hotel (remember the stench...hell would freeze over before I'd spend the night at her place), and couldn't even be bothered to get out of the car and give me a hug good bye...knowing she had not seen me in 8 years. If I have my say...it'll be way more than that before I see her again.
Whew...Sorry to go off on a tangent about myself and my own family issues...but I hope you've picked up my point in my ramblings...you're well within your rights to choose what family Emad is exposed to. If it wouldn't be a healthy relationship, I wouldn't bother enforcing it. Knowing how much your DH's family loves him, he won't have a shortage of true family to be involved in his life.
Good luck in whatever you decide. If you're at peace with the decision...then it was the right decision for you and your son.
I also have pretty much no relationship with my mother. The woman she is now is NOT the woman who raised me...and the woman she is now is not someone I have any desire to know or be around, let alone let my son be exposed to.
She's a hypochondriac (I know I'm probably spelling that wrong...but it's after 10 p.m. and I'm heading to bed in a few minutes..I'm TIRED), a kleptomaniac (another spelling problem?), a horder (one of those people who save a bunch of junk for no reason other than because they can - she inherited that from my grandma), and just plain and simply not a nice person any more.
My son is 14 1/2 years old...she has NEVER - not ONE TIME - called him or sent him even just a birthday card in his life. I could care less if she sends any money or gifts...I don't need someone else to purchase anything for my son...but at 14 1/2, he's more than aware that my mother (or for that matter...almost all of my family...and I have a huge one) bother to contact myself or my son/husband, for anything...unless of course there's something they want - (read: money). In fact...my mom borrowed $4,000 from me 4 years ago, with the understanding that I had to have it back w/in two years...and I haven't received anything but excuses since that time. I look at it as a cheap bargain to get rid of her. Rude and nasty? Yes. True? Yes.
I'm relatively sure my mom uses any prescription medication she can get her hands on - whether it's hers or someone elses - but there's nothing I can do to prove it. She very bluntly will tell you that she can't wait for my father to die. He is currently in a nursing home (the same one she works at!) and has been there for months (at least 4-5?)...and even though she works in the same f'ing building (she's the charge nurse/RN at the nursing home)...she doesn't stop to see him and has never set foot in his room. I mailed a huge box of books to him to entertain him...she didn't bother to deliver them, so now I send things directly to him up at the nursing home. He has post-polio syndrome...he had polio as a child and learned to walk again using different muscles due to the damage to the ones affected by polio...and since those muscles weren't meant to do all the walking work, they've worn out now and he has a lot of trouble getting around. The post polio also causes brittle bones. He broke his hip about 1 1/2 years ago in a fall, and his toe a few months before that, both requiring surgery. He fell down several months ago and broke both the tibia & fibia in his leg and since she won't do anything to help him out at home, and he can't be by himself until he can walk around at least w/a walker, he's in the nursing home. She has been getting rid of his stuff at home - his clothes, whatever, told him to have his brother come pick up the old (ie 100+ years old) photographs he inherited from his parents when they died, etc...because she does not want him to ever come home. She has tried to convince myself and my older sister (as well as his dr, and her brothers/sisters (she's the oldest of 9)) that he has dementia and is losing his mind...but he calls me at work via a Vonage line every Thursday morning without fail...and is very lucid and knows exactly what's going on, who he's talking to, can tell you everything that has happened since the week before when I speak to him, etc...NOT the signs I'd expect of someone who's got dementia.
Trust me when I tell you...this is simply the tiniest tip of the iceberg re my mother. Last summer when I was traveling to a conference in the states...I surprised my family by stopping in to see them unannounced (didn't want to see other family members, which is a whole other chapter of my family issues)...and the whole time I was there, she was exceedingly rude/nasty to my father, yelling at him to quit touching 'her' car when he was trying to get in while balancing on the car and the walker (pre-broken leg), wanting to park in the North 40s, knowing he couldn't walk that far, then being snide and nasty when I told her to park near the restaurant, refusing to help him get his plate (it was a buffet restaurant), et****il I sniped back at her. The issues are not only w/my father...they're just an example of the type of wench she has become.
Do I want to expose my son to her and her nastiness? Not to mention her pig-sty of a house (10 cats, 6 dogs, 3 rabbits, a pigeon, 3 ferrets, a turtle, fish, 2 rats, a possum, and parakeets...all INSIDE the house, half of them not potty trained, and cages rarely cleaned...use your imagination and think of the stench....and she does not live alone...my 39 year old sister and 13 year old adopted sister (read spoiled monster of a brat) live there also)? As Sarah Palin so famously put it...THANKS, BUT NO THANKS.
My other biggest complaint/issue with my mother may sound whiny...but if she can act like a 2 year old, I can too. Two years ago, I was medivaced out of Jakart to Singapore. I was hospitalized with a kidney infection that resulted in my left kidney being removed. My older sister called her (w/my OK) to tell her I was in the hospital and gave her the #. After a week in the hospital, my younger sister called me...and my mother couldn't be bothered to talk to me on the phone because she had a cold. Huh? I'm freaking getting ready to have a KIDNEY REMOVED, and she has a cold...and thus can't talk?! She never did talk to me when I was in the hospital, and has never asked how I was when I got out...nada.
As a result of all this...she does not know I'm moving to Bulgaria...and will likely never know. She does not know about several other surgeries I've had...why bother? She wouldn't care. She does not know of my miscarriages or even the fact that I was pregnant...and when/if, God willing, I do get pregnant...and stay pregnant...she will likely not even know that she has another grandchild to ignore. Any children I have (now or in the future) are better off with out her. My father is under strict instructions not to pass any information about me or my family on to her...and since she doesn't talk to him, that's easy enough to accomplish.
When I was leaving her house after my surprise visit, she drove me back to the hotel (remember the stench...hell would freeze over before I'd spend the night at her place), and couldn't even be bothered to get out of the car and give me a hug good bye...knowing she had not seen me in 8 years. If I have my say...it'll be way more than that before I see her again.
Whew...Sorry to go off on a tangent about myself and my own family issues...but I hope you've picked up my point in my ramblings...you're well within your rights to choose what family Emad is exposed to. If it wouldn't be a healthy relationship, I wouldn't bother enforcing it. Knowing how much your DH's family loves him, he won't have a shortage of true family to be involved in his life.
Good luck in whatever you decide. If you're at peace with the decision...then it was the right decision for you and your son.
Holly
January 2008,
July 2008
December 2008
July 2009
September 2010
July 2011
Mom to Khaled
It's sad to think there could be more than one person in the world like them, huh? I just tell myself that she's the one who's missing out on getting to know her grandson...and though I'm a tad bit biased...I think he's pretty wonderful, and I make sure he knows that.
Holly
January 2008,
July 2008
December 2008
July 2009
September 2010
July 2011
Mom to Khaled
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