O/T: Need some advice
So...without getting too into it and making a long story short I do not have a relationship with my parents. I severed ALL ties about 6 months ago. They live within 10 miles of me. A lot of it involves my mother but my Dad has some blame as well. This last spat involved my elderly Grandmother who lived with them and who I considered to be like my Mom. My Mom, my grandma's daughter, kicked her out and then it kinda snowballed from there....lots of other issues but those don't matter. I decided I did not want Emad to deal with all the things me and my siblings did as kids as it was not a healthy environment. Of the 4 kiddos, 2 (me and bro) did okay for ourselves....college, marriage, homes, kids, etc
So my parents have probably seen and spent less time with Emad in his almost two years of life than his family in Morocco has. My Mom just got more bitter because I did not call her until after I had delivered...I wanted to spare myself her hypochondriac drama...that day was for me.
So today I get a call that my parents want my bro's address so they can send my nephew Liam a bday card for his bday...10-20. No mention of Emad's. I check with my brother and his wife, they say no way. Well I get home and on my door are two birthday card envelopes, one for Liam, and one for Emad. Each with cards and a check for $100. So, I have decided not to accept it and send it back and my brother has done the same. Am I wrong? I know this is between me and my parents but they have never wanted to be there and have always tried to buy the grandkids love and I do not need or want that or their $$ Only thing I wished for was to have them be his grandparents and they can't even do that. Pathetic. The only other call I have gotten between this one and the last time we spoke was a request to take back a platter of my Mom's I had which I quickly delivered to their doorstep. I know accepting this will make them think there is an open door and it is not. But, I am open to hear advice from others who have been there or can give an unbiased perspective....thoughts????
So my parents have probably seen and spent less time with Emad in his almost two years of life than his family in Morocco has. My Mom just got more bitter because I did not call her until after I had delivered...I wanted to spare myself her hypochondriac drama...that day was for me.
So today I get a call that my parents want my bro's address so they can send my nephew Liam a bday card for his bday...10-20. No mention of Emad's. I check with my brother and his wife, they say no way. Well I get home and on my door are two birthday card envelopes, one for Liam, and one for Emad. Each with cards and a check for $100. So, I have decided not to accept it and send it back and my brother has done the same. Am I wrong? I know this is between me and my parents but they have never wanted to be there and have always tried to buy the grandkids love and I do not need or want that or their $$ Only thing I wished for was to have them be his grandparents and they can't even do that. Pathetic. The only other call I have gotten between this one and the last time we spoke was a request to take back a platter of my Mom's I had which I quickly delivered to their doorstep. I know accepting this will make them think there is an open door and it is not. But, I am open to hear advice from others who have been there or can give an unbiased perspective....thoughts????
Samara,
Family conflict stinks!! It is so hard to know what to do. My insticts would be same as yours. But, I also don't believe I have the right to dictate my child's relationship with their grandparents. My mother and my dad's mother had a big fall out before any of the kids were born, and she spent a lot of time and energy avoiding my grandmother. For some reason, even though my grandmother was in the wrong, I always felt that it was unfair for my mother to bias our thinking and keep us from a relationship with her. Maybe you could take the money and invest in a college fund? Naturally you have your rights, and you are very hurt and have a right to be. However, this is about Emad's relationship with his grandparents. Even though it is hard to believe, some people do change, at least I would like to think that they can. It is a difficult situation, and I hope my advice is not too repulsive. I just wish my mother had thought about us and our relationship with our grandmother before it was too late. I don't think you should start going over for sunday dinner or anything, but maybe allowing the birthday cards wouldn't be such a bad thing. Just a thought. Good luck!
Carrie
Family conflict stinks!! It is so hard to know what to do. My insticts would be same as yours. But, I also don't believe I have the right to dictate my child's relationship with their grandparents. My mother and my dad's mother had a big fall out before any of the kids were born, and she spent a lot of time and energy avoiding my grandmother. For some reason, even though my grandmother was in the wrong, I always felt that it was unfair for my mother to bias our thinking and keep us from a relationship with her. Maybe you could take the money and invest in a college fund? Naturally you have your rights, and you are very hurt and have a right to be. However, this is about Emad's relationship with his grandparents. Even though it is hard to believe, some people do change, at least I would like to think that they can. It is a difficult situation, and I hope my advice is not too repulsive. I just wish my mother had thought about us and our relationship with our grandmother before it was too late. I don't think you should start going over for sunday dinner or anything, but maybe allowing the birthday cards wouldn't be such a bad thing. Just a thought. Good luck!
Carrie
I don't know what to say hon... Without knowing all the details, it's obvious your parents have done some pretty awful things for you & your sibling to break all ties with them... I agree with you not taking their money for Emad especially since you feel so strongly about whatever may have broken the ties to begin with...
Family spats are horrible to deal with (I know this 1st hand from my ex's family when his mother was passing on).... I'm glad to be free of that from my life now I must say...
I wish I had something better to say or some good sound advice but I really don't... I hope things work out within your family for the best in the long run... (((HUGS)))
Family spats are horrible to deal with (I know this 1st hand from my ex's family when his mother was passing on).... I'm glad to be free of that from my life now I must say...
I wish I had something better to say or some good sound advice but I really don't... I hope things work out within your family for the best in the long run... (((HUGS)))
Chelle RNY - 12/17/2004
150# kept off over 5 years now - Thank you Dr Kim!!!
Family relationships are so difficult at times. I know how you must feel, but I have to agree with the first response. You really need to leave the door open for your parents to have a relationship with their grandkids.
You sure don't have to compromise your ideas or principals, but where family is concerned, you should never close ALL the doors. You are a grown person now and reallly don't have to put up with the dramatics of your family, but I would never keep them from having access to the kids.
Children are young for just such a short time and after they get to about 12 or 13, they won't want to have much contacts with "old folks" so it would be really late for them to develop a relationship at all with your parents then.
I think I would accept the card and the money and put it aside for education or something else. A "thank you" may be just the opening for the parents to have the relationship with your child that you wish they had. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person when your child's future is involved.
I hope you find peace and happiness in whatever you decide.
Bonnie
You sure don't have to compromise your ideas or principals, but where family is concerned, you should never close ALL the doors. You are a grown person now and reallly don't have to put up with the dramatics of your family, but I would never keep them from having access to the kids.
Children are young for just such a short time and after they get to about 12 or 13, they won't want to have much contacts with "old folks" so it would be really late for them to develop a relationship at all with your parents then.
I think I would accept the card and the money and put it aside for education or something else. A "thank you" may be just the opening for the parents to have the relationship with your child that you wish they had. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person when your child's future is involved.
I hope you find peace and happiness in whatever you decide.
Bonnie
Love My Danes 
7-09
All I can say is that it is horrible to feel guilt after they pass away and you think about keeping a grand kid from them. My MIL passed away about 6 weeks ago. We had a horrible relationship from the beginning and I place alot of the blame for my DH's horrible relationship with her on myself. She loved my son so much and I kept him from her alot because I couldn't stand her and she was horrible to myself and my husband. Looking back I wish I would have let them have more of a relationship because I now know how much she loved him and loved seeing him. If I could turn back time I would have done things alot differently. My husband has alot of guilt too because they hadn't talked in many months and she never even saw a picture of our new son.
So I don't really have much advice other than my own experience.
Good luck, it is so hard to have family issues.
Chrissy
So I don't really have much advice other than my own experience.
Good luck, it is so hard to have family issues.
Chrissy
mini goal, pre pregnancy weight!
Hi Samara,
I am sorry about your situation. It is a tough one. My brother and I did not have a very great childhood with my parents. I had a very hard time getting along with my mom for many years when I became an adult; it always seemed like it didn't bother my brother, though, but I guess he just kept it hidden. I gave them a second chance; my brother has not. My parents tried to get him to come around to no avail, and as a result, they have virtually no relationship with my niece, who just turned 15. It seems she is just a stranger to us. They have tried to have a relationship with her, but it hasn't been encouraged or reciprocated. Of course it doesn't help matters any that my SIL is a raging lunatic! Anyway, when I had Charlotte, I decided that I was not going to take away her chance at a wonderful relationship with her grandparents because I know what a special bond I had with mine. I decided I was going to give them the chance to prove that they had changed, and despite being bad parents, could still fill the grandparent role. It's one of the best decisions I have ever made, and I would never want to take away that relationship as long as it remains nurturing, uncondtionally loving, and healthy.
I understand that you never know what is going to happen. If you decide to give them a chance for Emad's sake, let them know your expectations, and if they don't live up to them, then maybe pull the plug, so to speak. I don't know, I guess; I just know first hand that it is possible for people to change. The situation is different in that I now have a good relationship with my parents and you don't, but think how you will answer Emad's questions down the road about why he can't visit or talk to his grandparents.... As far as the card and money go, I would acept them, but make sure they know you are only accepting it on Emad's behalf so that it doesn't open any doors that you don't want it to. I personally wouldn't want to decline a gift for my child - especially one that could be set aside for his future, but ultimately, it's all up to you, and I suport whatever you decide.
I am sorry about your situation. It is a tough one. My brother and I did not have a very great childhood with my parents. I had a very hard time getting along with my mom for many years when I became an adult; it always seemed like it didn't bother my brother, though, but I guess he just kept it hidden. I gave them a second chance; my brother has not. My parents tried to get him to come around to no avail, and as a result, they have virtually no relationship with my niece, who just turned 15. It seems she is just a stranger to us. They have tried to have a relationship with her, but it hasn't been encouraged or reciprocated. Of course it doesn't help matters any that my SIL is a raging lunatic! Anyway, when I had Charlotte, I decided that I was not going to take away her chance at a wonderful relationship with her grandparents because I know what a special bond I had with mine. I decided I was going to give them the chance to prove that they had changed, and despite being bad parents, could still fill the grandparent role. It's one of the best decisions I have ever made, and I would never want to take away that relationship as long as it remains nurturing, uncondtionally loving, and healthy.
I understand that you never know what is going to happen. If you decide to give them a chance for Emad's sake, let them know your expectations, and if they don't live up to them, then maybe pull the plug, so to speak. I don't know, I guess; I just know first hand that it is possible for people to change. The situation is different in that I now have a good relationship with my parents and you don't, but think how you will answer Emad's questions down the road about why he can't visit or talk to his grandparents.... As far as the card and money go, I would acept them, but make sure they know you are only accepting it on Emad's behalf so that it doesn't open any doors that you don't want it to. I personally wouldn't want to decline a gift for my child - especially one that could be set aside for his future, but ultimately, it's all up to you, and I suport whatever you decide.
Charlotte Grace - 01/09/08
WOW - that is tough. My situation is with my FIL. He has already been told that he won't have a relationship with his grandchild. He is a toxic person and NEVER has anything nice or good to say. The man can't take care of himself. I will allow him to see his Grandchild but he isn't allowed to touch or hold (hygenic reasons - he doesn't take care of himself) DH agrees. I haven't seen the man in probably 2 years after he told me he hoped that we lost everything because we had him admitted to a nursing home after a stroke. So I completely see the want for the disconnect you want Emad to have from your parents.
I think that I would probably send the $$ back too. Maybe send a Thank You note with it with a photo of Emad from his birthday basically saying - thanks but no thanks.
Good luck and hang in there!
Liz
I think that I would probably send the $$ back too. Maybe send a Thank You note with it with a photo of Emad from his birthday basically saying - thanks but no thanks.
Good luck and hang in there!
Liz
I have a lot of the same things with my inlaws. I cant stand them really but I put on a front. I agree though that holding relationships will eventually only hurt you in the end. Now I also believe that kids are smart and they will see who people are for themselves and everything will be obvious to them eventually but you have to kind of let them come to those conclusions on their own. I have a 15 year old and an 11 year old. My 15 year old now sees how they are and tries to avoid them when he can but he is civil and polite to them. The 11 year old is starting to see it. I let them have what she tries. I dont encourage anything nor discourage them from being around them. I am just civil and try to be nice. Its a good example for my kids anyway so they know that sometimes people may not get along they can be civil to each other. I watched my niece and nephews dad try and poison their mind against us all and that is not a good thing and now that the kids are grown they want nothing to do with their dad. Thats sad. Most counselors for my kids have told me to continue this with them since it is the best way to let them see and not tell them or influence them in any way. Now I dont let her do everything or I do have limits of my own but letting her give them gifts or taking them to church sometimes and text them and all I dont say anything to. So its kind of like I monitor everything but I dont tell them anything I feel about them or when I just want to roll my eyes at their stupidity I just have to go to the bathroom quickly. :) No right answers in this other than what you feel is right though. You have to do what you think is best for your situation. These are always hard times. I only have such peace with it since like I said both my kids are bipolar and adhd and so they have counselors they see every other week 2 different ones who basically say the same things. I hope you can find peace with whatever you decide!!
Damayin 12-3-93
Jarrid 10-12-98
Hayvann 11-22-09
Kerstyn 4-2-11
Kinzy 4-2-11
Jarrid 10-12-98
Hayvann 11-22-09
Kerstyn 4-2-11
Kinzy 4-2-11
Sorry you have to go through this !!
I am at work and can't write too much.... BUT... if my child were ever in danger from any family members physically or mentally I wouldn't hesitate to cut ties.
If it's not a case of abuse..... well.... let me tell you a quick story.
I have three brothers. My older brother for some reason has a real grudge against my mom. We don't know why. He will say some vague stuff about her not supporting him or how he was upset she divorced my father (we were adults when the divorce happened). She also told his ex-girlfriend something that offended him... it's all pretty petty stuff. My brother doesn't answer her calls, return her emails or often let her visit her grandchildren.
My mom cries every holiday. She buys them birthday gifts (my brother too), buys them Christmas gifts and makes Easters baskets for the kids.... the stuff piles up. Sometimes I deliver two or three holidays worth of stuff to my brother from my mom. She calls my older brother "her baby" and always asks about him.
The rest of us kids have a great relationship with her - as much as we can being busy adults. My older brother stays in touch regularly with my dad and grandparents and the kids get to visit them often.
The pain of his rejection really tears at my mom.... she knows she wasn't (isn't) perfect, but she never intended to do anything to hurt my brother or our family. She would love nothing better than to be accepted back into his life.
Why am I telling you this? Well maybe your parents are wanting to change ? Maybe they realize life is short and things in the past were done incorrectly and want to make amends? Maybe they cry during holidays they miss with their grandson ?
Just thought there might be another side....
I know these decisions are never easy and you have to do what is right for you and especially for Emad !
*hugs* Hope it gets better.
Cindy
I am at work and can't write too much.... BUT... if my child were ever in danger from any family members physically or mentally I wouldn't hesitate to cut ties.
If it's not a case of abuse..... well.... let me tell you a quick story.
I have three brothers. My older brother for some reason has a real grudge against my mom. We don't know why. He will say some vague stuff about her not supporting him or how he was upset she divorced my father (we were adults when the divorce happened). She also told his ex-girlfriend something that offended him... it's all pretty petty stuff. My brother doesn't answer her calls, return her emails or often let her visit her grandchildren.
My mom cries every holiday. She buys them birthday gifts (my brother too), buys them Christmas gifts and makes Easters baskets for the kids.... the stuff piles up. Sometimes I deliver two or three holidays worth of stuff to my brother from my mom. She calls my older brother "her baby" and always asks about him.
The rest of us kids have a great relationship with her - as much as we can being busy adults. My older brother stays in touch regularly with my dad and grandparents and the kids get to visit them often.
The pain of his rejection really tears at my mom.... she knows she wasn't (isn't) perfect, but she never intended to do anything to hurt my brother or our family. She would love nothing better than to be accepted back into his life.
Why am I telling you this? Well maybe your parents are wanting to change ? Maybe they realize life is short and things in the past were done incorrectly and want to make amends? Maybe they cry during holidays they miss with their grandson ?
Just thought there might be another side....
I know these decisions are never easy and you have to do what is right for you and especially for Emad !
*hugs* Hope it gets better.
Cindy
Surgery on 4/25/05 , Dr. Alverdy in Chicago. God Bless the DS !!!
Highest Weight = 412lbs, Surgery Weight = 359lbs, Current Weight = 155lbs (5'7" tall)http://www.picturetrail.com/gid8138761
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